Merry Christmas

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and hopeing Santa can make your Christmas wish come true. ( I was approx 3 weeks pregnant last Christmas) Sending everyone a bit of Christmas magic. Take care.

A little reminder that we are a defence family

I have written before about how much I am enjoying having Hubby on home soil whist we are at our current posting location, and how it is so nice to feel like a normal civilian family.
recently i was dealt a small reality check and the biggest shock was that it was not from Hubby or his work but from Munchkins 3 yr old preschool.
This last year Munchkin has been attending a 3yr old preschool program called 'playschool' and her Playschool is specifically for defence kids and is located on a large military base here. It is a fantastic program and all the kids seem to understand each other. at any one time about 25% of the kids have a parent away on deployment. the teachers do a great job of incorporating defence things into the school. eg all of the kids have a 'school posting passport' to fill in as they get posted around the country of all the schools they attend whilst their Dad (or mum) is in the services.
But this one thing they had to do brought home to all us 'military mums' the more negative aspects of defence life. The school had a LOCK DOWN exercise. A practise run should there ever be a bomb threat or terrorist threat etc is what we were told. All the kids had to go to the centre of the school room, all doors and windows were locked and the curtains were drawn. The kids had to sit quietly for 30mins ( I'm still not sure how they managed it) before the 'all clear' was given and school could resume as normal. Munchkins version of events was that there was 'an emergency at school and they got read lots of stories today' she was totally unfazed by it but it showed me that being a 'RAF BRAT' ( a term for kids of parents in the Royal Air Force) Is going to impact more areas of her life than just having   her Daddy away on deployment sometimes.

mindfullness

One of the people i saw to help manage my anxiety when i was pregnant with cookie said i should try to practice mindfullness, live in the now and be thankfull. I never managed it while i was pregnant. The thoughts of ' my body is not a safe place for a baby' and 'this is not a fetus its my baby, doesn't anyone get what i could loose here' were very consuming. But maybe the time to start practising mindfullness is now when the waters are calm so that it can become a habit by the time the waters get rought again for whatever reason.
So what am I thankfull for right now:-
   Sleepless nights
Munchkin being jealous of Cookie ( she will probably never get how lucky she is to have a sister)
Munchkins obsession with sticking dinosour and dragon stickers all over her face and mine too for that matter. and then going to get pizza with daddy for dinner ( stickers still all over her face) She will get self consious soon enough but for now i love that she doesn't give too hoots how she looks when she leaves the house.
picking strawberries ( they always taste better picked from your own strawberry patch especially good if they are offered as a present from ur 3 yr old)
Thats probably enought for one day i need to leave something to be thankfull for tomorrow.

Armistice Day

Today is remembrance Day, today in 1918  world war 1 ended "at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month" with the German signing of the Armistice. Today we observe a minute silence to remember the Fallen. And today as every year I pray that my husband will never be one of them. We should never forget that our freedom comes at  a price.

update

Life here is running relatively smoothly. Cookie is a delightful baby. who loves a good nights sleep (must take after her mummy). Munchkin has recently become jealous of Cookie and is having many more tantrums the moment my attention is diverted. be it a telephone call, or feeding and settling Cookie. she used to have time out in her room for bad behaviour but we have a 2 story house and i nearly fell down the stairs the other day whilst lugging her kicking, screaming, biting body up the stairs.  So we now have a naughty spot which is actually an old fold up car window shade it folds up small enough to fit in my nappy bag and when i pop it out its big enough for her to sit on. This way her time out can happen in the same spot as her tantrum. it is also good as i can give her a time out if she is misbehaving at the shops or someone Else's house.
We celebrated Hubby's 30th birthday last week munchkin and i made a London cheesecake ( it was really yummy) although not to munchkins taste which Hubby didn't mind at all. he gobbled up her piece in a flash. The weather is starting to warm up here which is great i can't wait to get to the beach this summer. I just need to shift the last 5 kgs of pregnancy weight they are being stubborn.

6wk post birth check results

I received a call from my dr to discuss my 6 wk post birth check results. and it turns out my Vit D  levels are quite low which surprised me as i am in Australia and spend a lot of time outside with munchkin who is addicted to climbing trees and playing in her paddling pool. I was looking on Dr google for implications for low vit D and it is not just for our bones it apparently helps our immune system function correctly and has a role in male and female fertility especially in females with poly cystic ovaries. and  here is the cruncher it has a link to first trimester miscarriages as well. my fertility dr as far as i know didn't test for low vit D.
my blood is boiling to think that a simple vitamin supplement that you can get over the counter could have potentially prevented my miscarriages.

Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

Yeasterday October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day.
So yesterday I thought a lot about little Sparticus( our first angel), Peanut ( our second angel), and David (our third little angel) These three little souls have a very special place in my heart. I am a mummy to 5 and it will always feel that way. sending hugs and prayers to all those mums out there who have more children than the ammount of feet on the floor.

Christening

We have had a lovely weekend here, Cookie was Christened and our house has been full of family and friends, which i just love, one of the more negative aspects of the military lifestyle is living away from family. So having almost everyone here has been great. Cookie was christened in the same gown that i was christened in and Munchkin as well. i just changed the ribbon in the dress Munchkin had pink and i found some dusky purple for Cookie.

 The Christening Cake had to be altered from what i originally wanted to do (I ran out of time and the girls face was exceptionally hard and i wasn't happy with the result) but i am happy with the result. I made the cake topper from sugar paste.

 Cookie is still a good baby most of the time although like most mums of tiny babies I'm still very tired.

So glad someone said it.

While watching the morning show today whilst waiting for Cookie to fall asleep the story was on new mums who wished they had a baby of the opposite sex and were having trouble bonding with their 'unwanted' baby. And just as i was starting to feel my blood boil with thoughts of how can they be so ungrateful to  feel that about a healthy baby. ( yes during the early days of my pregnancy with cookie i briefly wished she was a boy, as my last miscarriage was a boy. But i wouldn't swap her for the world now, she is HERE and HEALTHY) Sami Lukas who was a guest on the show piped up eyes full of tears and said exactly what i was thinking. i had forgotten about her journey with IF. I am so glad she had the courage to speak up and remind everyone watching that every birth is a miracle and that the ability to have a child easily is not something shared by all.

Welcome September IcomLeaveWe

Welcome to all those here from IcomLeaveWE, I am currently a stay at home mum to two little girls, Munchkin and Cookie. I suffered 3 miscarriages between them, and i still miss my angel babies terribly.
Here is a link to my treatment summary for Recurrent Pregnanct Loss that brought Cookie here.
If you are still looking for answers I truly hope you find them and soon. Right now I am enjoying the newborn days and having my Husband on Home soil ( he is in the airforce). it is nice to feel like a normal family for a bit no TTC stress and no defence stress. I look forward to reading your blogs as well. baby dust to all xxoo

We are fine

This post is primarily for those who know me IRL. There is a wear house chemical fire in a nearby suburb to where we live. The smoke is potentially hazardous and we have been told to stay inside. So apart from being stuck in the house with a 3 yr old who wants to play in the sand pit we are fine. I just hope they can put the fire out soon.
love to all.

Life with Cookie

(Note: To all those still struggling with TTC/ Loss, this blog will be now focused on parenting after loss and life in general. If you need to stop reading for a while I completely understand and i look forward to seeing you again soon. Sending baby dust to all xxoo)

The first two weeks with Cookie have been great She is a real snuggle bug and her favourite place to sleep is in someones arms. She is a champion feeder and didn't loose any weight in her birth week. The cardigan i knitted isn't going to fit for long.
 My guilty mummy secret is that I am co sleeping her as she hates her little bassinet. I also think i wouldn't be able to sleep without her close to me I love that i can just kiss her head to see if she is too hot or too cold, and i love that instead of crying she just makes funny noises and starts to look around for my nipple when she is hungry. I co slept with Munchkin  for 3 months as well. Cookie only wakes twice at night for a feed when she is in our bed. In the day she naps in the pram surrounded by noise. she likes to know where we are.
Recovery from birth for me this time has been a lot easier. I haven't been ravaged by hormonal crying like i did after munchkin was born. and we are getting more sleep this time round. Although i have never been so happy to be tired in my life.
I don't think i will ever understand why my Angels had to go or why Cookie is here today. all i know is that all of my babies have a special place in my heart.
Munchkin loves her little sister and i am not allowed to change a nappy or give her a bath without Munchkins help I hope this trend continues.
People have already been asking when number 3 will be coming and right now i can't answer that question. In an ideal world the answer would be soon. But we all know that the world is not ideal.
 and right now i have the lovely warm weight of a sleeping newborn in my arms and i feel blessed. and i am going to enjoy this feeling for a while before i even think about wanting to go through TTC again.

Cookie's Birth Story

On Sunday 21st August i woke up at 05:00 with what i thought was pre labour contractions they were really irregular only 20 secs long and i could walk through them easily. So i paced the corridor in my house to see if they would strengthen. at 09:00hrs they did and by 11:15 a friend was picking up Munchkin and Hubby and i had a light lunch before heading to the Hospital we arrived at about 12:30 and i was 4 cms dilated. I was using Gas and a hot shower for pain relief and doing well. by 2pm i was having the urge to push so I had to get out of the shower and after a check i was told i was fully dilated and to follow my body. I pushed for 10 mins and the midwife said She would be here in another 15mins. But the i started vomiting and by contractions slowed so they put up some syntocin which increased my pain (A LOT) and i started getting pain in my pelvic  and pubic bone it felt as though with each contraction someone was sawing my pubic bone with a hacksaw. the midwives were telling me to push through it but i couldn't. I tried squatting, birthing stool, birthing ball, on all fours. by 5pm i was going out of my mind with pain. i had hubby and a midwife putting counter pressure on my hips which helped a tad but i still couldn't get her out. So at 5:40 they did a nerve block and pulled her out with the suction cap on her head. I only sustained a 1st degree tare that didn't require suturing.
 She is worth all of it but had i known how intense this labour would be i would have asked for an epidural when i was 4 cms.
Hubby brought Munchkin in and we had Pizza  dinner whilst i was still on the labour and delivery suite.
I only stayed in for 24hrs post delivery and up until tonight Cookie has been the model baby but tonight she is unsettled and hasn't slept a wink i am currently wearing her in a harness so hubby can get some sleep upstairs, we will swap soon.

Cookie is Cooked!!!!!

Cookie is here born 21/08/2011 at 5:40 pm weighing 3.67kg our beautiful little girl named K*A*T*E*L*Y*N. I am so pleased she is here Munchkin says "My baby" all the time. its very cute.
We are both well and home already.

Due date and nothing happening

OK, so today is "The Day" but nothing is happening yet. I went in for a check yesterday as anxiety got the better of me (my hands and feet went all puffy and i wanted to make sure everything was OK). Everything is great and i got to listen to Cookies heartbeat for 20 mins solid.
 It turns out Cookie is Posterior and this is probably preventing her from engaging properly and labour starting.  Does anyone have suggestions for how to turn a posterior baby ( without me standing on my head) Hopefully she turns soon and labour can start naturally.

Scary Firsts

Last night we had to take Munchkin to the emergency room for the first time, i was hoping not to have this experience for a couple more years yet and for something like a broken bone, not because she was struggling to breathe. Munchkin has always been prone to Croup she has had it 4 times before but last night when i went to see why she was coughing she was sitting in bed looking terrified and struggling to suck any air in at all in between coughs. and her trachea and intercostal muscles were all sucked in with each breath as well. I may be a nurse but seeing your kid struggling for air is still terrifying. So off we went to the hospital and she settled a bit on the way. the Hospital gave her a dose of anti inflammatory steroids and we stuck around for it to kick in. it worked well and we were home by midnight. But everyone is tired in this house today as munchkin slept in our bed last night but didn't sleep much as the steroid dose was keeping her awake. She is still a little bit Croupy this morning I am hoping tonight is better.
On the pregnancy front, Cookie seems to be quite happy where she is. I really hope she decides to make her entrance into the world soon.

Knitting for Cookie

this is Cookie's coming home outfit, knitted by me. just don't look too close at the embroidery, I had never attempted to embroider before, but i am happy with the result. I knitted a simpler one for Munchkin when i was pregnant with her. Its a 0000 pattern I like having one tiny outfit to remind me of just how small they once were.

37 weeks

Its 37 weeks and i really want Cookie in my arms and pink and healthy. My belly is causing me trouble sleeping ( along with my bladder). and my pelvis is sore. I would really like Cookie to make her appearance in the next 2 weeks. Munchkin was 2 weeks late ( 3weeks from my dates)  and those weeks after the due date were some of the longest and most uncomfortable weeks I have experienced.
does anyone have any ways to safely give Cookie the Hurry up message? One thing i do need to do is take a photo of my belly I have some video of cookie moving inside my belly but no photos.

a little muddled

Sorry for the lack of meaningful posts lately, my head is all muddled up. Last Thursday marked one year since we found out our little jellybean was an angel. and some days I'd still give anything to be able to turn back the clock and have my angels with me. Which makes me feel terrible cause i do really love and want Cookie. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to what pregnancy should be. The baby car seats are still in the Garage. i don't want them in the cars until Cookie is safely here. Everything is washed but Cookies room still looks like the guest room and not a nursery. and the excited " my baby will be here soon" feeling that i had with munchkin is simply not there. I am really worried about something going wrong during the birth. which i know isn't good for natural labour as stress hormones can stop things progressing smoothly, a mum needs to feel safe and supported for a smooth labour.  All I feel is stress and worry. I just want Cookie safely in my arms pink and healthy, so maybe then i can relax.

34 week scan

Scan went well. Cookie is head down and it looks like the Placenta is out of the way. I see the obstetrician next wed for the final green light but it looks good :)

still here

Hi just a quick post to let you know that Cookie and I are still here. I have a scan tomorrow to check that Cookie has turned and that my placenta has stretched far enough away to allow a natural delivery fingers crossed everyone.

Two years ago today

For my first little angel Sparticus,
 I miss you a lot today and always, it was two years ago that i found out you were not going to be mine to hold. Even though i have your sister wriggling in me now,  there will always be a little bit of my heart that belongs just to you. A mothers love never forgets.
I will see and hold you one day my darling
mummy xxoo

untilted

I am now 30 weeks, and I am so grateful; to have made it this far. I hope the next 10 weeks are smooth sailing. My last midwife visit was good I passed the glucose test so no diabetes and my blood pressure is good. the only slightly negative thing is that Cookie hasn't turned yet. I know there is still time I just wonder whether the low placenta is preventing Cookie from turning. I have a scan at 34 weeks to check the placental position  to see if i can deliver naturally. so i haven't been standing on my head yet as there is probably not too much point trying to turn the baby before i am told that i can deliver naturally. I really don't want a C section though. so lots of prayers that the placenta has stretched out of the way and that Cookie is head down at the 34 week scan.

Tomorrow is 2 years since i lost our first angel, Sparticus and was plunged into a world of recurrent pregnancy loss. I truly hope that I am now leaving that dark place but i still get very anxious about anything going wrong from here in. I really hope that my arms are filled in august with the sleepy weight of a healthy newborn.  Some days i still find it hard to believe that Cookie is healthy and wriggling in my belly.

To live in dream land

In my dreams my family is complete, I have my loving husband by my side and five beautiful children under my feet. I can touch, hug and laugh with them, I can comfort and rock them all to sleep. In my dreams I can watch all of them grow. 
But then the sun comes up and my eyes open and my family is different my loving Husband is still there by my side, but both of us wear the scars of loss, Munchkin is under our feet and Cookie is wriggling in my tummy.  letting myself truly love and enjoy this pregnancy leaves me feeling guilty. It is not possible to have the family i have in my dreams.If any of my angels were here then Cookie wouldn't be. and while i love and long for my angel babies,  i love Cookie too. and sometimes this seems to cause feeling i don't know how to put words to,  Some days it still causes me much pain that my family will never be complete anywhere but in my dreams.
It seems that loss and infertility leave a lot of us feeling incomplete.

antenatal appointments and anxiety

My antenatal appointments are going well, my blood pressure is good, my belly is growing but the thing that makes me dread them is that whenever the midwife tries to find Cookie's heartbeat with the doppler, all she or I can hear is static. after about 2 minutes my anxiety skyrockets. I normally have to endure this anxiety for another five minutes before they go and get the tiny ultrasound machine to check the heartbeat that way. its a low quality U/S machine and doesn't tell us any more info than seeing cookie wriggle and seeing the heartbeat. The midwife last time said that it could be my moisturizing cream (i only use a basic sorbelene cream) that is making the static. but this doesn't make sense as i used a moisturizing creme when pregnant with munchkin and never had this problem. Has anyone else heard of this? I am starting to worry that cookie has something wrong with her heart and that is why they can never find it on the doppler. I have a level 2 ultrasound at 34 weeks to see if my placenta has stretched away from my cervix. i will definatly be asking them to check cookies heart.

Munchkin is Three !

My beautiful munchkin is now 3 . This is a picture of her Miffy birthday cake, she loves the books by Dick Bruna that this little rabbit is from. We had a small party with her closest friends.  We had a bubble machine and lots of bubble blowing, which was a big hit with all the little party guests, We had a treasure hunt around the backyard which was a lot of fun. She got a bike for her birthday which she is already fairly good at riding. A great day was had by all.

Easter Break

Our little Family had a lovely Easter break with my Mum in the Country, We went to the Zoo, went to my old church for Easter Sunday Service They had a big gold Easter Egg on the Altar. Munchkin was absolutely obsessed with it, she did get a little bit of it during the Children's sermon.
The weather was beautiful and we went down to the river. Munchkin had a lovely time trying to copy Daddy skimming stones across the river, She didn't stay dry for very long at all.
The Easter bunny brought some little Easter eggs and a peter rabbit plush toy. and she got more Chocolate from Nanna, all were demolished by Anzac Day.
Hubby and I got to leave Munchkin with Nanna and attend the Anzac Day Dawn service by ourselves which was lovely. We then went back to the returned Services Club and Joined the Shotgun breakfast, Hubby was in full active dress uniform and we were invited to share a table with a lot of old Diggers, Hubby and the Diggers were talking about where they had earned their medals and other places they had seen during War. It was  a great morning.  We took Munchkin to watch the March through town
at midday Hubby didn't march this year He and Munchkin had a great time Cheering on the Diggers.
Now that we are Home again everything is a bit busy Munchkin is 3 on Saturday and I'm busy baking and getting the house in order for her little party She wants a Miffy Cake. So today I'm baking two large white chocolate mud cakes to make Miffy from.
Take care all

Happy Easter!! & ICLW

Hello to all who are here from ICLW, My days are currently filled with taking care of our almost 3yr old girl , Munchkin, doing a little casual nursing work where i can. and progressing through this pregnancy after RPL, and while I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety, my lovely little Cookie seems to be on track to arrive in August.
We are going to the Country to visit my Mum for Easter so I will be having a shor blogging break but i will catch up on my commenting when we return.
I hope you all have a lovely Easter.
take care

recurrent pregnancy loss / recurrent miscarriage

I have been delaying this post for some time mainly because i don't know how to start it. And because i was worried that by sharing this i would be jinxing Cookie. But i want to share what has enabled this pregnancy after enduring three successive losses. So here is a treatment summary of this pregnancy.
step one : a course of Doxycycline ( antibiotic)
Step two: Prednisone 5mg (immunosuppressive steroid) from day 1 of cycle
step three: Clexane (lovonox) injections from ovulation + 1
step four: Pregnyl (beta HCG) injections on ovulation+4 and ovulation+7 for a luteal phase deficit.
step 5 : Progesterone pessaries 200mg morning and night from ovulation plus 7 through to 14 weeks pregnancy.
It goes without saying that i was taking a pregnancy multivitamin and on the advice of a gynae registrar i added High dose folic acid 5mg tablets. as he said a woman with my history should be taking it as a precaution and it won't do any harm. It was on Cycle #2 of this regime that we got Cookie.
the fert doc swapped the Clexane to baby aspirin at 10 weeks pregnant due to me bleeding.
Everything here is empiric treatment with the exception of the Pregnyl for the LPD. as i didn't test positive to an immune disorder or a clotting disorder. but she decided to treat me as if i did test positive to both and for some reason it has worked.
It is my hope that anyone who stumbles across this post after recurrent pregnancy loss may find an unexplored option.

20 week scan :)

Here is cookies photo from the 20 week scan. everything looked really good, with one exception my placenta is still really low so they may scan again at 30 weeks to see if i can deliver naturally or if Cookie will have to come out the sun roof.  I really don't want a C section but if it end up being the safest way then i guess I'll just have to do it.

Cookie is having a nice big yawn in the photo too cute :)
And for those who are wondering it looks as though cookie is a pinkie :)
Take care

update

Hi all, Thanks for all your comments on my last post, they were greatly appreciated, I went to a different GP who ordered bloods. turns out I'm anaemic a HB of 100 it needs to be 110 and above. previous level in early preg was 146, so that could be an easy fix for the hair loss, Thyroid function came back normal which is great. the only other one that has come back abnormal was cholesterol level which was 7, high i know but could be linked to the prednisone and progesterone and she suggests a re check after Cookie is born. and i can always endevour to reduce fats in my diet untill then. So it looks like i'm off to get iron tablets this arvo any suggestions on ones that won't make me insanly constipated.

Hair Loss During Pregnancy

Has anyone else experienced this? My hair has been falling out since about wk14, in clumps, i am cleaning out my hairbrush twice a week. I asked the midwife about it and she shrugged it off, it is a major cause of my anxiety at the moment. I thought hair was meant to grow thick and lush when you are pregnant and fall out after you had the baby, at least that is what it did with Munchkin. My GP is away for 2 weeks so i might have to see someone else. I just hope its not a symptom of something that might hurt cookie.

18weeks

I had my first midwife appointment today, and i am totally relieved to have gotten this far, they Found Cookie's heartbeat easily and then to reassure me found my abdominal pulse as well, Cookie is defiantly going strong, Because of my history my next visit is with the public obstetrician and then depending on that i either keep seeing the obstetrician or go back to the midwives. I am feeling less in limbo now it was a long wait from fert doc discharging me at 13 weeks till now being picked up by the hospital. I feel like i am being looked after properly again and that is a HUGE relief. only 2 weeks till my 20 week scan :)

funny ways to releive anxiety ( alternate title how to make Cookie kick)

I decided against renting a doppler to reasure myself cookie was ok. but i have found a few ways that always seem to produce a kick or wriggle when i am feeling anxious,
if sitting quietly for a while fails to produce a kick i try moving my tummy muscles in and out to gently shake Cookie awake, I often get a sharp kick from this method as if Cookie is saying "oi mum, what was that for I'm sleeping here."
If this doesn''t work a large glass of cold orange juice will often do the trick (as well as boosting vitC and folate levels)
Cookies favourite however is a row of white chocolate and a warm drink (caffene free). This is also my favourite and a frequent after dinner treat Cookie will normally kick for 30 minutes after this.
If i haven't felt Cookie for what I think is ages ( in reality probably not that long) I find a teaspoon of brown sugar, two if necessary will produce a few kicks in about 5 to 10 minutes.
Typing this it all sounds rather silly and i will probably end up with a child with a massive sweet tooth as a result,
but i haven't found anything as good for releiving pregnancy anxiety as feeling bub move.
What do or did you do to releive pregnancy anxiety and or make your baby move?

16 week US photos

 

Here are cookies 16 week ultrasound photos. See if you can guess pink or blue?

Cookie can Kick!

I have been feeling that butterfly in the stomach feeling for a couple of days. but last night while watching TV i felt a strong kick. it startled me so much i jumped and nearly fell off my chair. Cookie hasn't repeated the performance but sometimes i feel a soft little tap. It is lovely to feel this little one move, makes me sad at times that i didn't get to feel it with my angels.
I also find i feel rather anxious if i don't feel Cookie for about 4 hrs. I need for find a way to relax and not to worry unless i know i have something to worry about, but that is easier said than done sometimes.

16 week ultrasound 99% good!

Cookie is Good! Heart rate 135, measuring at between 16 and 16 1/2 weeks for the different measurements. and my cervix is still long. The one thing that is worrying me is that the placenta is low and posterior " not touching but very close" were the words of the sonographer, I have to see my GP on wed for the official ultrasound report.  Why don't i feel more relaxed about this pregnancy, I've just seen Cookies Heartbeat and watched little fingers and toes moving, So why aren't I excited. I'm definitely relieved, but not excited.

Feeling worried

Last night and today I feel worried for Cookie, and i have absolutely no reason to be worried, I have had no more bleeding, my belly looks as if I'm not going to be able to keep Cookie hidden for much longer and i am starting to get heartburn when i lie down at night. All of these things should be telling me Cookie is OK.  But I am so scared that on Monday i will be hearing the sonographer say the words that no pregnant woman ever wants to hear.  I try to tell myself that everything is fine. but part of me doesn't believe it. it feels like when you are trying to soften the blow of a bad thing for a child by telling them its all going to be OK when you know its not or might not be, and what you should be saying is you'll learn to live with it but some things are never OK. I wish i had a window into my belly and could watch Cookie growing in there.

random thought of the day

Hurry up and cook Cookie, Mummy wants COFFEE!!!!!

Feeling a ted Robbed

I was thinking about when i was pregnant with Munchkin or our first little angel Sparticus, and how different pregnancy felt compared to now. Pregnancy used to be filled with a fantastic amount of nervous excitement. and the fear and anxiety that has replaced it isn't nice, Miscarriage has robbed me of those feelings. they briefly flicker back after an ultrasound where all is well, but it only takes a couple of days for the fear and doubt to creep back in. I thought that after the 12 week scan i would be feeling better about this pregnancy. But the couple of scares i have had, have made it hard to relax and enjoy things. My next scan is the 7th of march at 16 weeks and it can't come soon enough.

Cookie is still going ok

I had a lot of pain last night so today i went to the ed for a scan ( i told them i had some spotting as well so they would do a scan) and they did a quick check of cookie he/she was wriggling and we could see the heartbeat. I am relieved i had been worrying that my belly wasn't big enough for 14 weeks. but Cookie is tucked in there.  The anxiety that goes with pregnancy after loss isn't pleasant and trying to get scans to reassure yourself is really hard i feel a bit bad for fibbing to the ed staff. But at least i know that Cookie is OK.

Way too cute!

Munchkin has just started drawing people. I love the big heads and tiny arms and legs coming from the head( she hasn't added the body yet). this morning i noticed she had added a scribble to just under the head thinking it could have been a beard i asked her what it was. he response was" A bottom mummy, everyones gots a bottom." I couldn't help myself but laugh. Two year olds can drive you mental, but they are very funny.

my dream

This is my dream ( i thought is was time i posted something positive) this picture is the christening cake that i have been wanting to make ( or attempt to make) for soooo long. its a Maisie Parrish design. I would just be putting in the little girl to represent Munchkin, and the baby for Cookie. The toys down the bottom will represent my angels. for my other cake decorating attempts/creations see here and here . Fingers crossed everyone that i get to make this cake for Cookie.

Anxiety

I thought getting to the nuchal scan was going to be the hard bit emotionally, I was wrong. i find the waiting now that the fert doc doesn't want to do scans and  my next U/S is the 19 week one really hard. They say that the pregnancy should be self sustaining now but I'm so scared. I don't want to tell anyone I'm pregnant in case Cookies heart has stopped and i don't know like with my previous miscarriages. I went to my GP and begged her for another scan she has booked one in for me for week 16 ( this feels like AGES away). How do people get through this waiting game. I was looking at the home Doppler's. but then i stumbled across 4 articles strongly advising against them as they can pick up placental blood flow even when the baby's heart has stopped. So i don't think i will be buying one. plus i don't know how good the cheap ones are when hospital grade ones cost over $600 and EBay sells them for $60. I also need to return to work soon but i really don't want to til after the next scan. I really want Cookie to be mine.

Cookie is OK !!!

I spent most of yesterday at the hospital waiting to get a scan. I originally went to a different GP who had a fetal heart Doppler only for her not to be able to find the heartbeat. so she sent me to the early pregnancy clinic at the hospital. The midwife there found the heartbeat with a Doppler but they wanted me to stay for a scan to see if they could find where the blood is comming from. Which they didn't.  But because it took so long i had to miss my appointment with the Counsellor and can't get in to see her till next week now. But at least Cookie is OK.

Bleeding

I have more bleeding again today. This is doing my head in I had the Nuchal yesterday and Cookie was fine so why do I Have bleeding Today. I don't know what to do and paying for all these ultrasounds at $170 a go is sending me broke. I am meant to be seeing my counsellor at 11 and it took me ages to get the appointment. so i really don't want to sit in emergency for the next 4 hrs. I am waiting on a medical centre to get back to me on whether they have a doppler and can check Cookies heart rate.

Cookie's Nuchal

Cookie is still going well heart rate 167. no photo yet i have to collect the official result in a couple of days. Do I dare allow myself to breathe now?

Today

Today i have the Nuchal scan I can't believe its today and I'm so close to the end of the first trimester. I am still a bit scared that today will deliver bad news, but hopefully not. I can't wait till i can feel cookie move.
Mum is on the mend she is out of the neuro ICU and on a ward now with any luck she will be home in a week or two. thank you to all for you prayers.

Cookie!

cookie is good, they have no idea where the blood is comming from. doc is taking me off clexane and starting me on baby aspirin as clexane can start bleeds but aspirin acts on platlets and is less likely to start a bleed while still providing anti coagulation.

What a week

OK this post is probably going to end up all over the place. my mum had an accident this week and is in neuro ICU with a bleed in her brain. she is awake and hopefully it wont continue to bleed. so we did  a drive to go See her when we got there i was busting to pee  only to discover than when i did i was bleeding. so now we are back home and i have a scan at 1020.  none of the family knows about cookie so i think they are a bit perplexed i used munchkin and feeding the cat as an excuse to come home. So prayers for my mum please and prayers for cookie.

David's Birthday

Today is the Day that my bubba boy should have been entering the world. Cookie should still be a distant dream. Today i should be counting tiny fingers and toes. and enjoying the smell of a freshly bathed newborn baby. but once again today my arms are empty. Instead of dressing my little boy in the colour of the heavens he is there already. I miss you, David and love you more than you will ever know.  xxoo

Cookie!!!

Cookie is good. heart rate 160. and growing ok i'm just worried about my BhCG's as they are down to 88000 now from 146000 a couple of weeks ago the doc says this can happen and isn't worried I'm just worried as i didn't think they plateaued till after 12 weeks not 9 weeks. but so long as Cookie is good i guess it doesn't matter.

Scared stupid

Last night i noticed a brown discarge form me. it is like old blood brown. and now i'm petrified that cookie is gone already. It is a long wait to 12:20 when you are counting microseconds. prayers please everyone.

The pain returns

Last friday afternoon the low abdominal pain returned and has done every afternoon since. I am just praying that everything is ok. next scan is on Thursday. I really want Cookie to be mine to hold.

Cookie!!!

Cookie is Good! measuring 9wks 5days I'm 9wks 3days. and heart rate 167. please pray that i get to keep Cookie all my other miscarriages were between 9 and 10 weeks.

Cookie might be in trouble

today's bloods weren't glowing progesterone thanks to the pessaries was 107 but BhCg was 147388 which is a high number but it almost hasn't budged from last wed. and i have to wait till wed for another scan it is a very anxious wait. please pray with me that Cookie is OK.

Cookie!!!!

Cookie is good! i am 8 wks 3 days and little Cookie is measuring 8 wks 5 days with a heart rate of 180bpm. Fingers crossed things stay good everyone i'm dreading wk 10 already.

The pain stopped 2 days ago but now I'm worried that everything else has stopped too. U/S is tomorrow it can't come fast enough. fingers crossed everyone.

a little concerned

I have been having bad lower abdominal pain lately i'm worried Cookie might be ectopic. except the pain goes away with rest. It is also only in the evening starts around 4-5 in the evening and continues till bedtime. which is terrible as that is when we need dinner cooked munchkin bathed and in bed it is impossible for me to put my feet up for 4 hrs at this time of day. Hubby has been cooking dinner and bathing munchkin but i still have to climb the stairs and read the stories for her to sleep. I have had some cramping and pain with all my miscarriages but not munchkin so it is doing nothing to make me think that cookie will be mine to keep. and my counsellor is on holiday till feburary.(right on time to pick up the peices if we find out in wk 10 that Cookie is gone) hopefully my first scan next wed will be some good news.

home again

Hi all,
          We are home from visiting the family for Christmas. We had a lovely time although because off all the rain we only got to the beach twice. Munchkin really enjoyed playing with her cousins. And she was really excited about Christmas. It was funny when on Christmas morning she was getting stuck into opening her Santa presents when Grandad pointed out that Santa had left the fireplace door open. She straight away scooted to the other side of the room not too sure if Scary Santa was about to make a reappearance.
I am 7 weeks now and bloods so far look good I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon.
I must admit that whilst trying not too i have already fallen in love with 'Cookie' named because a really want to cook this one. Fingers and toes crossed that i get to keep this one.