A Quick Update

I had an appointment with a Psychologist yesterday. My GP's phone call must have made all the difference. It wasn't as scary as i had thought. Faye is nice and has her own story of infertility too. She has had one child. and then developed secondary infertility and couldn't have any more. Since i think she is in her early 60's Her options were probably more limited than mine.
I spent most of our hour in tears. she has given me some strategies to help me sleep but i think i need more practice at them. and she thinks I'm angry and my homework this week is to " Get my anger out" on paper and hand it in next Thurs. I don't quite know where to start at the moment.

isolation

When i had my first miscarriage all of my family knew. i had shared the news that i was pregnant and i didn't expect the hurtful comments and lack of support that followed from my own family. So i didn't tell anyone when i fell pregnant again.When i miscarried again it was only those who read my blog that knew. i am truly grateful for the blogging world. With the loss of another of my babies becoming an angel. i decided to share it with a few close friends that i thought would understand. When i first told them. they all said how sorry they were and said if there was anything they could do to let them know. I was talking to one friend on facebook on Monday ( she lives 5 mins from my house) and once again she asked if there was anything she could do. I asked if it would be alright if i popped in for a cuppa and a chat instead of impersonally chatting on facebook. she hesitated but said yes so Munchkin and i went around. when i got there it was clear she was uncomfortable. she changed the topic of conversation quickly at any pauses so as not to discuss my miscarriage. and today i had arranged to meet up with another friend, (Munchkin and her little girl are best friends). but she has cancelled on me without an excuse. No one wants to be around me at the moment. i admit I'm not good company. I could just do with a bit of support right now.
A few months ago my hubby lost a good friend to cancer. the outpouring of support at the funeral and wake was overwhelming. He was the topic of conversation as everyone shared memories. nobody expected his family to be 'ok'  tears flowed freely and were understood by everyone.
How different it is when a baby is miscarried. I am expected to be OK  and functional ( I am not) even hubby i think is getting frustrated at the state of our house at the moment.
Miscarriage is truly an isolating experience.

update

I saw my GP yesterday and got a referral to a bulk billing psychologist but the waiting list at this clinic is 8 weeks long! I'm going to be flipping mental in 8 weeks.  My GP has called them to try to hurry things along. but she couldn't do much. I am on some sort of cancellation list but even then its still about a month.
once again feeling as if the medical profession is failing me.

In Detest of Shopping Centres

On Saturday we needing to grab a few things my husband needing a specific DVD for a military ethics assignment plus we needed a few incidentals. I told hubby to take Munchkin and leave me at home. He thought it would be better for me to get out of the house. So along i went.....
NOT GOOD, within 3 minutes i had seen 3 mums to be with  bellies swollen big with life. There were tiny babies in prams crying, mums breastfeeding whilst enjoying a cuppa in the cafe and large families out shopping with misbehaving kids( Everything I want) Its weird how even the negative aspects of parenthood can reduce you to tears.
 I hate feeling this way, I hate not wanting to go out because i can't control when i am going to burst into tears. Hate denying Munchkin her playgroup and paint and play outings just cause i don't want people asking "How are you?" even thinking about how to answer that question has the power to make me cry. and the most scary question of all asked by acquaintances at these children's activities is "So, when are you planning number 2" This question either sends me into panic mode. or makes my blood boil.  Which leaves the acquaintance feeling dumbfounded as i make up a quick excuse to exit conversation eg " Sorry i think munchkin has done a poo" just so i can go and hide and regain control of myself.
I can pinpoint one of the last times i was truly happy and that was Munchkin's first birthday party when i was 6 weeks pregnant with my first Angel baby. I wish i could go back and change things.

Miscarriage through Munchkins eyes

12 months ago, my little girl was extremely outgoing. Today She is shy, introverted,clingy and defiantly a Mummy's girl. What Happened? between the ages of 14months and 2and 2months she has watched her Mummy go through 3 miscarriages. Even though i never told her about the pregnancies or miscarriages she has suffered and like her mummy and daddy is now changed. This one has been rough on her already.
I cannot put on the same clothes as what i was wearing on the day i had the ultrasound that confirmed my miscarriage. if i do Munchkin starts saying over and over " No Mummy Cry, No Mummy Cry" and "Take Jacket Off". When i told her we were going to see Nicki ( my fert Doc) last wed, and that she could play with the train there.  She instantly got very upset and started saying " No Niki, No Mummy Cry". and she plays with her toys differently too. she puts her little people in the car drives them to the " big house" ( which is what munchkin calls the hospital) drops off the mummy doll saying " Mummy sick mummy cry" and then takes the other dolls shopping which is what my hubby does with her while i am having the D&C.
She is waking at night again for no reason other than she wants a cuddle. and she is my constant shadow.
It is so hard to watch your child suffer through something they don't understand.

Where to form here?

I thought a post was in order on whats going on now.
I saw my Fertility doc again last wed. at first i thought she didn't want to do any further testing. but I've talked her into doing genetic karyotyping on hubby and i as well as what was sent off from bub. she has given me a referral for a hysterscoppy and uterine natural killer cell test. which will have to wait till about 6 weeks after my D&C to do to let everything settle down. When we are ready ti start TTC we have more progesterone treatment they are putting me on a low dose steroid. and when i fall pregnant again I have to take anti clotting needles. Hubby and i aren't trying again until we have the results from the testing. even though i know that your fertility increases that first cycle after a miscarriage. and my fertility doc says there is no reason to wait if you don't want to.  OK so that's the game plan.
Here is what i didn't like from our meeting. My fertility doc has openly said that the treatment for recurrent miscarriage is "all voodoo" and yes she used those words. it only works on a very small percentage of people undergoing treatment. and for the rest it does nothing. And on those that it does work on they don't know why. Why miscarriages and recurrent miscarriages occur is a hugely under researched area. the other thing i didn't like about our meeting is that i think she has put me in the too hard basket. when she came out to call in another pt. she picked up a file looked at it and said to the girl at the desk " this one is too hard I'll see this one first" and put the file down picked up another one and called a couple into her office. when this couple came out she picked up that original file and called my husband and i into the office. I don't want to be in the "Too hard" basket. i want to know why my Angels died and i want more Children. I used to feel a glimmer of hope and my Fertility Docs office. When i walked in on Wednesday the air felt heavy and all i could feel was death.

Love

My newest little Angel,
I loved you the moment you formed in my belly, I love you now, and I'll love you always. Missing you so much, and thinking of you constantly. May the angels look after you now. Sweet dreams my darling.
Mummy xxoo

No I am not "OK". if you don't like the answer stop asking "how are you?"

(Excuse this post i need to vent)
"How are you?" everyone asks this question. and i mean EVERYONE. Most of my closest friends are still shocked and don't know what to do with my answers to this question, My work friends and colleagues ask it and then are shocked by the answer and don't know what to do. the 14yr old at the checkout at the supermarket asks this question even though he doesn't want an honest answer. people i pass walking their dogs ask this question and they don't want the answer either. NO I'M NOT OK. my hormones are crashing, my belly is crampy, AF is here and its not even a week since i found out my baby died in my body. none of this is OK. there would be something wrong with me if i was OK.
Why do we as a society ask such a personal question when first meeting someone? . Why are we always expected to be 'ok' or "fine thanks"? Why are we expected to lie instead of telling the truth?
 Because I  for one am sick of lying.

Trying so very hard to pull it together

Today i wanted answers. I rang my doc to ask some questions. She wouldn't talk to me. i had to make an appointment for wed.  I also wanted to go and see my GP for a general surgical follow up and a referral to a counsellor. She is on holidays.
 my fertility doc  was on hols for this whole disaster and now my GP too. Feeling a tad abandoned by the medical profession st the moment. I don't want to have to go see a new GP and spill my whole sad medical history at them. But i need to function this time. its not fair to Munchkin to have a mummy that doesn't want to leave the house and cries all the time. Its not fair to my husband who has pulled me through 2 miscarriages whilst grieving himself. and its not fair to me to have to feel this way again. The days got dark enough last time. if i cant get help i hate to think what this journey has for me this time...
I really need some sleep.

I WANT OUT!! I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR ANY OF THIS #$%^  AND I WANT OUT NOW!!!!

Why is it they my head won't let me sleep at night but as soon as the sun is up all i want to do is hide under the covers and forget that the world exists.

Mother of 4

I always wanted 4 kids. Never in my wildest dreams did i expect that after 4 pregnancies there would be only one pair of little feet on my floor and three pairs of tiny angel wings fluttering in heaven.
it is breaking my already shattered heart all over again.

insomnia returns

its 0230am. I went to bed at 930pm but when i was still awake after 1am i decided to get up and have a warm milk. my head keeps going over and over every tiny detail of  the last three months with one question at the front WHY???.

My body feels empty.... Oh so empty.

A Traumatic Day

I always find the day i have the D&C really traumatic. I am in tears constantly. My first experience with a general anaesthetic was terrible so i am always scared stiff of another horror tale and get really worked up.So far later experiences have been OK but it doesn't stop the fear. And i don't wake up well from generals either. Especially if its a D&C. Today i woke up in pain, dry retching, hyperventilating and screaming for my baby. To top it off the recovery room nurse was horrid.  she kept telling me to lie on my back. but i thought i was going to spew and kept trying to sit up. then after giving me some pain medication ( not enough) She said i couldn't have any more. even though i still had a horrid cramping pain in my belly. And she kept telling me to calm down as i was crying hysterically. I was still really groggy and dopey and i didn't understand half of what she wanted me to do at the time. all i knew was that i was in pain, about to be sick and desperately missing the little baby that had just been scraped out of my womb.
 Believe me if i could have calmed down i would have i had completely lost the plot. then after my hour in recovery was up she tersely said "I'm taking you to the other room" which was the day surgery post op ward. the staff here were lovely they got me a hot pack for my belly, more pain relief, a cup of tea and told me to cry if i needed to. Some nurses really need to quit their jobs. I hope i never treat any patient of mine how i was treated in that first hour of consciousness.

Complete and utter devastation

Today i had my follow up ultrasound there is no heartbeat and not blood flow to the baby. The baby measured 8wks 6days it all stopped a day after my last ultrasound when it had a heartbeat of 176.
 I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow. they are taking a sample for genetic testing this time. I am gutted. i have been here twice before and thought it might get easier. IT DOESN'T.

My progesterone levels dropped this week. So i have started the progesterone pessaries. Out of curiosity i looked them up in the computer database at work last night ( I am a nurse) and it turns out that when started after week 8 of pregnancy they can cause birth defects. So now i am insanely scared. and my Dr isn't back from her overseas trip till Monday. I tried my GP for more info but she couldn't help me. And even the Staff at my Dr's haven't been answering the phone this week.  It feels like a long way till Wednesday when i have my next ultrasound.

Progesterone level today is 81 which is good, down again from last time but still above 60 so i don't have to start the pessaries yet. I hate feeling this worried all the time i really want to keep this liitle one.