Love

My newest little Angel,
I loved you the moment you formed in my belly, I love you now, and I'll love you always. Missing you so much, and thinking of you constantly. May the angels look after you now. Sweet dreams my darling.
Mummy xxoo

Today is a bad day. My hair is starting to fall out, my breasts are leaking milk, i have pain in my belly and i don't have my baby. I know all these are from the sudden change in hormones from being pregnant to not pregnant. Its worth it when you have a baby in your arms. It is just so devastating when you don't.

My body is once again empty and my heart is breaking yet again.
I was on the emergency operations list but right down the bottom so i had to wait 6 hrs by myself in the hospital before they did the surgery. I was a complete mess. they called a social worker for me to talk to. She was nice and understanding, helped me pass 30 mins of time. but ultimately didn't help me feel any better. to make it worse they were doing Cesarean sections that day and every hour or so i could hear the cries of a brand new baby. and i was wishing i was those women and not me. This time i saw the heartbeat and my perfect baby. I prayed so hard for it's life and still it was taken from me.

Lightening Has struck twice :(

Today i am devastated. I had some spotting this morning and went to the doctors, They ordered an ultrasound and my baby no longer has a heartbeat :(. It had not grown since my last ultrasound at 8 weeks. everything looked the same just no heartbeat. I feel Devastated, Cheated and oh so angry.

Feeling a tad lost

Today is one of those days. this morning in that blissful state between sleep and awake i rubbed my tummy, expecting to feel a 21 week bump. of course my tummy was flat and it shocked me.
I try so hard not to count how many weeks pregnant i should be. but my subconscious seems to automatically know. and now i just feel strange, sort of lost. I keep asking myself what this is. its not really a missing feeling, all I have to miss is early pregnancy nausea and going to the toilet every 20 Min's. My belly never got big. I never even felt those butterflies of a little baby swimming while it still has room to move.
And yet the grief is still so intense that when Munchkin is asleep and the house goes quiet, a knot slowly develops in my stomach, till sometimes i cant breathe.
I still feel that my body failed my baby. To not be able to protect your baby when its inside you is an awful feeling. I wonder if my Angel felt any pain as things went wrong for it before it died. I wish i could have given it a cuddle and whisper " shh Mummy's here, everything will be ok. mummy's here, and I love you".

Some days I hate myself so much that i don't know how hubby puts up with me.
I want to move with the rest of the world. 11 weeks have almost passed the ladies at playgroup have forgotten my emotional breakdown when my pain spectacularly erupted, and all was revealed. They are starting to talk babies, pregnancy etc around me. and yet my world still stands still. Enveloped by grief. I am beginning to think that some of these feelings won't go away till I get passed Angel's due date the 5th of Jan and there are no more weeks to count.
like i said feeling a tad lost.

Then tragedgy struck

Munchkin and i arrived at Mum's and were enjoying the attention. Mum was spoiling Munchkin and fussing and clucking over me.
that night, once munchkin was in toddler dream land. Ahappy place from all the little dreamy sighs coming from the baby monitor. Mum and i were enjoying a cup of tea. I decided to turn in early. And whilst getting ready for bed to my shock and horror discovered blood like i was having my period.
Mum took me to the hospital, who said they couldn't do anything at this hour and sent me home to rest with an ultrasound appointment for the morning. I didn't sleep at all. and the next morning at the ultrasound was given Shocking news. The baby had died.
Not only that but it would have happened at around 8 weeks as all that was left was the placenta and 2 yolk sacks. It was potentially twins, but they don't know for sure as my body had started to reabsorb the babies or I had accidentally flushed them down the toilet. A thought that still causes me much grief. the doctors said that because i was only 11 weeks along it could all happen naturally and it would be like having my period for 2 or 3 weeks. so back to mums i went with an empty body and a broken heart.
Thursday evening, the previous events happened on the Tuesday. I went to have a bath to try and relax. I pressed play on the CD player and closed my eyes still unable to process that i was no longer pregnant.
Maybe 10 mins later i started to feel giddy and nauseated. i opened my eyes and the bathwater was a dark red, I was bleeding and a lot. My toes were almost invisible in the bloody water. I called for mum and off to the Hospital we rushed. I had surgery to stop the bleeding that night, and spent the next day in a surgical post op high dependency ward with 6 other beds and sick people all around me. All i wanted was the privacy to have a good cry and my husbands arms around me.
My baby is an angel and i will always miss it.