A proper name

Jellybean has a proper name. And his name is David. This is not one of the original names we had picked. we chose it for its meaning, Beloved. I feel so terrible that i lost little David. Hubby has always wanted a son. And while he says it couldn’t be helped and is ok. I don’t feel like it’s ok. I want to give my husband a son!
I WANT DAVID!!!

Jellybean

The results from jellybeans genetic test are in. Jellybean was a little boy and genetically normal.
This news makes me so sad. mainly because i couldn't give my normal little boy what he needed most, a chance at life.

KAREN TAYLOR-GOOD 'PRECIOUS CHILD'

For every Mummy and Daddy missing an Angel.

not much

Hi all, not much is happening here. I am still missing all my little angels like mad but the feelings themselves haven't changed from my first and second miscarriage so i haven't been blogging as much this time. I'm feeling like I'm on a horrid merry go round and am struggling to find the way off. I am getting through the weekly routine, days pass, and the world turns  but i feel like my world doesn't. I'll update again when i have something new, or need to vent.

a lullaby for my angels

Every night ,since Munchkin was born i have sung her the same 2 lullaby's. But last night i sung them just for my angels (especially Peanut). here are the lyrics.

Brahm's Lullaby

lullaby and goodnight
may sleep softly surround you
while your dreams, fill your eyes
with the melody of love
may the moonlight embrace you
the starlight caress you
may the sunlight still sing you
this lullaby of love.

Baby Mine

baby mine, don't you cry
baby mine, dry your eyes
rest your head close to my heart
never to part, baby of mine

little one when you play
don't you mind what they say
let those eyes sparkle and shine
never a tear, baby of mine

From your head to your toes
your so sweet, goodness knows
you are so precious to me
 cute as can be, baby of mine

Peanut's birthday

My darling Peanut,
                     Today is the day that was supposed to be your birthday. The day i would work really hard to bring you into the world. And then whisper in your ear as you lay sleeping in my arms " you were worth every second sweetheart". But today my arms are empty. I watched the dawn break today. I was hoping to see the sunrise but it was cloudy and windy with a forecast of snow for the brindabella mountains. I lit a candle for your life today. it was lit before dawn in the dark and it is still burning as i write this to you.
I love you my darling.....wishing you were here
Mummy

How i feel today

I feel that as a mother I failed my babies. They lived in my womb I was their lifeline, and yet when my babies were in trouble, when they were dying I couldn’t help them. I didn’t even know. Nobody wants to die alone it is most people’s worst fear. And yet my little babies died all alone, inside my body. I wanted to see them and hold them and tell them it would be ok. I couldn’t even offer my babies the comfort of a mother’s love when they needed me most. I wanted to tell them that i was Sorry, sorry that I couldn’t give them what they needed.

Homework for my Counsellor my Angel's names.

Last weeks homework was to write down my anger. it helped after not knowing where to start i filled 3 A4 pages of type. this week is negative thoughts but She keeps asking me if it would help to name my Angels and while they don't have proper names all  of my 'baby bumps' had a name I just handn't felt able to share them with you before. So before i share them with her next week i thought I'd share them with all of you. here is an exert from this weeks Homework:-

"You have asked me at both our chats whether I have named my Angel babies. And the answer is no I haven’t given them a proper name not one that they should have been christened with.  But all of my baby ‘bumps’ had a name even before they grew big enough to be a bump. Munchkin when she was in my belly was ‘Junior’. It was actually a surprise when she came out as she wasn’t what I expected my ‘Juniour’ to be. My first Angel was ‘Sparticus’ Hubby named this bump as he said junior kicked like a Spartan warrior. And we both thought this one would be the same. Sadly I never got to feel a good kick in the diaphragm from my little Sparticus. Hubby didn’t want to name the next bumps so early he wanted to wait till after the 12 week scan. But i secretly still named them. My second little Angel was “Peanut” and the 16th of August is Peanut’s due date. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant with Peanut when it was Sparticus’s due date. And it helped to ease the pain of this day as there was life in my body again. I thought I had already taken the statistical bullet and that lightning wouldn’t strike twice. But strike it did.
My latest little Angel is ‘Jellybean’ and while my time with Jellybean was full of anxiety( about the food I ate, and environmental Chemicals and hazards I didn’t garden at all because i was scared of bacteria in the soil harming jellybean. My poor cat George thought he had been disowned i didn’t pat him once). I still had hope that Jellybean would be mine to hold. I was having hormone monitoring and regular ultrasounds I was sure that Nikki ( fert Doc) would find any problem and that we could treat it. But Jellybean became an angel and now i don't know where to find hope."

another week

Another week has passed since i said goodbye to my latest little angel. I am trying so hard to return to normality. i went back to work, I took Munchkin to paint and play. The whole thing of faking it till you make it is leaving a hollowness inside again. I wonder if Munchkin knows I'm still sad even though i haven't cried in front of her in a week. I know she likes having her play dates again so for her sake i soldier on. but i can't help but wonder what happens when the tank runs dry?

Back at work ( mabey a tad too soon)

I have been back at work the last 3 days ( we need the money). I thought i was ready. ( apart from my immediate boss no one knows) and if i was just doing my work i was OK. but then things would happen and i would fall to pieces. like today when i went to send a blood gas to pathology. i was standing at the pneumatic tube ( which is right next to the main operating room doors) and i suddenly heard the cries of a bran newborn baby. obviously just delivered by C- section. I was a mess in a microsecond luckily the tube is in an alcove of the corridor and i could turn around and no one saw me in tears. it was a struggle to calm my self and get back to work i had 2 high dependency Pt's to look after so i couldn't be away for more than 5 mins. This is such a hard journey at the moment.