6 mths and update

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately it is partly because i have been thinking about what to do with the blog and whether i still need this space. When i first started this blog i was desperate for a place to air feeling associated with my angel babies as very few of my IRL friends understood and the ones that did were probably sick of hearing about how depressed i was. and i needed the support i found in the adoption loss infertility ( ALI) community.
now that cookie is here and while my angel babies hold a special place in my heart and i am defiantly not "over it" it no longer consumes me to the point where i think i can't breathe.
But i still need this space i have met some wonderful bloggers in the ALI community and while for some of them reading of my successful pregnancy with cookie will be too much to bear in their own journeys with loss/infertility. For others it might give them hope of the light in the end of the tunnel.
So i have decided to keep this blog and blog for the same reason i always have... for me. And for this blog to be about what it has always been about .. Life the highs and lows.

So here is an update of life in my little corner of the globe:-

 Hubby was home on uni holidays for most of February, so we took  the opportunity for me to go back to work for a month and boost our savings account. but i can tell you doing 3 shifts a week with a 5 month old baby who because I was away kept waking up at night for cuddles ( not complaining about Cookie wanting cuddles just the lack of sleep) was not fun i am still tired and i haven't done a shift for a week and a half.
I am really glad that Hubby's final year of his electrical engineering will be pretty busy and i will be doing very little ( if any) work from now on. I don't want to miss too much of Cookies first year they just grow too fast and i spent too much time of Munchkin's first year wishing it away and wanting her to grow up. This time i just want to enjoy cookie's baby year.

Munchkin has started preschool  this year and is more grown up every day. she is still a fiery ( stubborn) personality but i am reading 'how to calm a challenging child' and it is helping a lot.
She will be four soon and we are having a puppy party for her. I am making a puppy dog cake, the party guests will make themselves some puppy ears to wear and we will eat hot dogs and puppy bone shaped cheesy pastries.  Any other suggestions for puppy themed food would be greatly appreciated especially if they are a little bit healthy and not packed with sugar.

Cookie is 6 months now and can drag her belly across the floor commando style as my friend put it " as fast as a little cockroach" and like a little cockroach she is into everything. We have just this week started her on some pureed potato as the baby rice cereal gave her blood in her poo after a week. and we are 4 days in to her trial of solids and so far so good i am hopeing that this weekend i will be making her pureed apple as well.
here is a recent photo of my girls who clearly love each other very much

A pause in our Holiday

We have been away on chrissy holidays since the 20th of december and it has been lovely.
New years day brought us an unexpected experience. Cookie got Sick and Fast. she woke up with runny poo on new years day and by that night was running a really high fever and pooing little bits of blood and refusing to feed. She had to spend 3 nights in hospital and receive some fluids and IV antibiotics. She is on the mend now and we are spending a few mpre days at my father in laws to let her recooperate before cutting our holiday short and going home. I hope she never scares her mummy like that again. Seeing my normally smiley and energetic baby so listless and hot is not something i want to repeat ever.  So now i am paranoid about her getting sick again and not letting anyone but hubby and i hold her. The drs suspect she might have picked up salmonella which is the bug responsible for most cases of food poisoning. WE had been to the beach with the family on new years eve and had prawns for dinner. Cookie could have sucked on someone's prawny finger before they washed their hands. I am looking forward to going home.

Christening

We have had a lovely weekend here, Cookie was Christened and our house has been full of family and friends, which i just love, one of the more negative aspects of the military lifestyle is living away from family. So having almost everyone here has been great. Cookie was christened in the same gown that i was christened in and Munchkin as well. i just changed the ribbon in the dress Munchkin had pink and i found some dusky purple for Cookie.

 The Christening Cake had to be altered from what i originally wanted to do (I ran out of time and the girls face was exceptionally hard and i wasn't happy with the result) but i am happy with the result. I made the cake topper from sugar paste.

 Cookie is still a good baby most of the time although like most mums of tiny babies I'm still very tired.

Welcome September IcomLeaveWe

Welcome to all those here from IcomLeaveWE, I am currently a stay at home mum to two little girls, Munchkin and Cookie. I suffered 3 miscarriages between them, and i still miss my angel babies terribly.
Here is a link to my treatment summary for Recurrent Pregnanct Loss that brought Cookie here.
If you are still looking for answers I truly hope you find them and soon. Right now I am enjoying the newborn days and having my Husband on Home soil ( he is in the airforce). it is nice to feel like a normal family for a bit no TTC stress and no defence stress. I look forward to reading your blogs as well. baby dust to all xxoo

Life with Cookie

(Note: To all those still struggling with TTC/ Loss, this blog will be now focused on parenting after loss and life in general. If you need to stop reading for a while I completely understand and i look forward to seeing you again soon. Sending baby dust to all xxoo)

The first two weeks with Cookie have been great She is a real snuggle bug and her favourite place to sleep is in someones arms. She is a champion feeder and didn't loose any weight in her birth week. The cardigan i knitted isn't going to fit for long.
 My guilty mummy secret is that I am co sleeping her as she hates her little bassinet. I also think i wouldn't be able to sleep without her close to me I love that i can just kiss her head to see if she is too hot or too cold, and i love that instead of crying she just makes funny noises and starts to look around for my nipple when she is hungry. I co slept with Munchkin  for 3 months as well. Cookie only wakes twice at night for a feed when she is in our bed. In the day she naps in the pram surrounded by noise. she likes to know where we are.
Recovery from birth for me this time has been a lot easier. I haven't been ravaged by hormonal crying like i did after munchkin was born. and we are getting more sleep this time round. Although i have never been so happy to be tired in my life.
I don't think i will ever understand why my Angels had to go or why Cookie is here today. all i know is that all of my babies have a special place in my heart.
Munchkin loves her little sister and i am not allowed to change a nappy or give her a bath without Munchkins help I hope this trend continues.
People have already been asking when number 3 will be coming and right now i can't answer that question. In an ideal world the answer would be soon. But we all know that the world is not ideal.
 and right now i have the lovely warm weight of a sleeping newborn in my arms and i feel blessed. and i am going to enjoy this feeling for a while before i even think about wanting to go through TTC again.

Cookie's Birth Story

On Sunday 21st August i woke up at 05:00 with what i thought was pre labour contractions they were really irregular only 20 secs long and i could walk through them easily. So i paced the corridor in my house to see if they would strengthen. at 09:00hrs they did and by 11:15 a friend was picking up Munchkin and Hubby and i had a light lunch before heading to the Hospital we arrived at about 12:30 and i was 4 cms dilated. I was using Gas and a hot shower for pain relief and doing well. by 2pm i was having the urge to push so I had to get out of the shower and after a check i was told i was fully dilated and to follow my body. I pushed for 10 mins and the midwife said She would be here in another 15mins. But the i started vomiting and by contractions slowed so they put up some syntocin which increased my pain (A LOT) and i started getting pain in my pelvic  and pubic bone it felt as though with each contraction someone was sawing my pubic bone with a hacksaw. the midwives were telling me to push through it but i couldn't. I tried squatting, birthing stool, birthing ball, on all fours. by 5pm i was going out of my mind with pain. i had hubby and a midwife putting counter pressure on my hips which helped a tad but i still couldn't get her out. So at 5:40 they did a nerve block and pulled her out with the suction cap on her head. I only sustained a 1st degree tare that didn't require suturing.
 She is worth all of it but had i known how intense this labour would be i would have asked for an epidural when i was 4 cms.
Hubby brought Munchkin in and we had Pizza  dinner whilst i was still on the labour and delivery suite.
I only stayed in for 24hrs post delivery and up until tonight Cookie has been the model baby but tonight she is unsettled and hasn't slept a wink i am currently wearing her in a harness so hubby can get some sleep upstairs, we will swap soon.

Due date and nothing happening

OK, so today is "The Day" but nothing is happening yet. I went in for a check yesterday as anxiety got the better of me (my hands and feet went all puffy and i wanted to make sure everything was OK). Everything is great and i got to listen to Cookies heartbeat for 20 mins solid.
 It turns out Cookie is Posterior and this is probably preventing her from engaging properly and labour starting.  Does anyone have suggestions for how to turn a posterior baby ( without me standing on my head) Hopefully she turns soon and labour can start naturally.

Knitting for Cookie

this is Cookie's coming home outfit, knitted by me. just don't look too close at the embroidery, I had never attempted to embroider before, but i am happy with the result. I knitted a simpler one for Munchkin when i was pregnant with her. Its a 0000 pattern I like having one tiny outfit to remind me of just how small they once were.

37 weeks

Its 37 weeks and i really want Cookie in my arms and pink and healthy. My belly is causing me trouble sleeping ( along with my bladder). and my pelvis is sore. I would really like Cookie to make her appearance in the next 2 weeks. Munchkin was 2 weeks late ( 3weeks from my dates)  and those weeks after the due date were some of the longest and most uncomfortable weeks I have experienced.
does anyone have any ways to safely give Cookie the Hurry up message? One thing i do need to do is take a photo of my belly I have some video of cookie moving inside my belly but no photos.

a little muddled

Sorry for the lack of meaningful posts lately, my head is all muddled up. Last Thursday marked one year since we found out our little jellybean was an angel. and some days I'd still give anything to be able to turn back the clock and have my angels with me. Which makes me feel terrible cause i do really love and want Cookie. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to what pregnancy should be. The baby car seats are still in the Garage. i don't want them in the cars until Cookie is safely here. Everything is washed but Cookies room still looks like the guest room and not a nursery. and the excited " my baby will be here soon" feeling that i had with munchkin is simply not there. I am really worried about something going wrong during the birth. which i know isn't good for natural labour as stress hormones can stop things progressing smoothly, a mum needs to feel safe and supported for a smooth labour.  All I feel is stress and worry. I just want Cookie safely in my arms pink and healthy, so maybe then i can relax.

34 week scan

Scan went well. Cookie is head down and it looks like the Placenta is out of the way. I see the obstetrician next wed for the final green light but it looks good :)

still here

Hi just a quick post to let you know that Cookie and I are still here. I have a scan tomorrow to check that Cookie has turned and that my placenta has stretched far enough away to allow a natural delivery fingers crossed everyone.