Munchkin's 4th birthday celebrations

Munchkin is obsessed about puppy dogs at the moment so to celebrate her 4th birthday we had a puppy party. I made a puppy dog birthday cake, 'dog bones' out of puff pastry and Parmesan cheese and a bone shaped cookie cutter. the party guests played pin the tail on the puppy and made themselves some puppy ears instead of party hats. we had a treasure hunt with milk bottle lids with paw prints drawn on them. A great time was had by all.

The puppy dog birthday cake

The party Guests with their puppy ears on
in front of pin the tail on the puppy

4 years :)

Four years ago on Monday I became a mummy. A little baby girl was delivered safely into my arms. And I was so excited at this next chapter in my life, I had so much i wanted to teach her. What i didn't realise was that it was she that was teaching me how to be a mummy.
 she has taught me that i in fact have a very short fuse,
that i enjoy quietness much more than i thought i did.
 She has taught me how to love unconditionally ( even when i resisting every urge to throttle her i still love her).
She has taught me that a clean house comes second to a happy one.
Happy fourth Birthday Munchkin!!! I wonder what you will teach me this year.

ANZAC DAY 25/04/2012

An officer and his Daughters all ready for the ANZAC Day dawn service.

 Munchkin was so proud that Daddy let her wear Great Grandma's medals this year.

how much to tell?

Tomorrow is ANZAC day. and whilst telling Munchkin what we will be doing tomorrow ( getting up whilst its dark and going to a dawn remembrance service ( Hubby is letting her wear her great Grandma's medals this year) followed by a hot shotgun breakfast(no whisky for her though) her favourite word kept popping up  'Why?'

me: " To remember all the soldiers that didn't come home from war"
Munchkin: " Daddy's job is air force is daddy a soldier?"
me: 'yes'
Munchkin: "daddy comes home every day"
me: "yes he does"
Munchkin: " does daddy do war?"
me: "Sometimes yes, but not right now"
Munchkin: " oh," ( pause) "Can i help you do the mummy jobs"

Where do I go from here? how much should i tell her about Anzac Day and its meaning to our Military family? Do i really want her to understand its significance? because if so how will she feel before her Daddy goes on future Deployments?

6 mths and update

Sorry for my lack of blogging lately it is partly because i have been thinking about what to do with the blog and whether i still need this space. When i first started this blog i was desperate for a place to air feeling associated with my angel babies as very few of my IRL friends understood and the ones that did were probably sick of hearing about how depressed i was. and i needed the support i found in the adoption loss infertility ( ALI) community.
now that cookie is here and while my angel babies hold a special place in my heart and i am defiantly not "over it" it no longer consumes me to the point where i think i can't breathe.
But i still need this space i have met some wonderful bloggers in the ALI community and while for some of them reading of my successful pregnancy with cookie will be too much to bear in their own journeys with loss/infertility. For others it might give them hope of the light in the end of the tunnel.
So i have decided to keep this blog and blog for the same reason i always have... for me. And for this blog to be about what it has always been about .. Life the highs and lows.

So here is an update of life in my little corner of the globe:-

 Hubby was home on uni holidays for most of February, so we took  the opportunity for me to go back to work for a month and boost our savings account. but i can tell you doing 3 shifts a week with a 5 month old baby who because I was away kept waking up at night for cuddles ( not complaining about Cookie wanting cuddles just the lack of sleep) was not fun i am still tired and i haven't done a shift for a week and a half.
I am really glad that Hubby's final year of his electrical engineering will be pretty busy and i will be doing very little ( if any) work from now on. I don't want to miss too much of Cookies first year they just grow too fast and i spent too much time of Munchkin's first year wishing it away and wanting her to grow up. This time i just want to enjoy cookie's baby year.

Munchkin has started preschool  this year and is more grown up every day. she is still a fiery ( stubborn) personality but i am reading 'how to calm a challenging child' and it is helping a lot.
She will be four soon and we are having a puppy party for her. I am making a puppy dog cake, the party guests will make themselves some puppy ears to wear and we will eat hot dogs and puppy bone shaped cheesy pastries.  Any other suggestions for puppy themed food would be greatly appreciated especially if they are a little bit healthy and not packed with sugar.

Cookie is 6 months now and can drag her belly across the floor commando style as my friend put it " as fast as a little cockroach" and like a little cockroach she is into everything. We have just this week started her on some pureed potato as the baby rice cereal gave her blood in her poo after a week. and we are 4 days in to her trial of solids and so far so good i am hopeing that this weekend i will be making her pureed apple as well.
here is a recent photo of my girls who clearly love each other very much

A little reminder that we are a defence family

I have written before about how much I am enjoying having Hubby on home soil whist we are at our current posting location, and how it is so nice to feel like a normal civilian family.
recently i was dealt a small reality check and the biggest shock was that it was not from Hubby or his work but from Munchkins 3 yr old preschool.
This last year Munchkin has been attending a 3yr old preschool program called 'playschool' and her Playschool is specifically for defence kids and is located on a large military base here. It is a fantastic program and all the kids seem to understand each other. at any one time about 25% of the kids have a parent away on deployment. the teachers do a great job of incorporating defence things into the school. eg all of the kids have a 'school posting passport' to fill in as they get posted around the country of all the schools they attend whilst their Dad (or mum) is in the services.
But this one thing they had to do brought home to all us 'military mums' the more negative aspects of defence life. The school had a LOCK DOWN exercise. A practise run should there ever be a bomb threat or terrorist threat etc is what we were told. All the kids had to go to the centre of the school room, all doors and windows were locked and the curtains were drawn. The kids had to sit quietly for 30mins ( I'm still not sure how they managed it) before the 'all clear' was given and school could resume as normal. Munchkins version of events was that there was 'an emergency at school and they got read lots of stories today' she was totally unfazed by it but it showed me that being a 'RAF BRAT' ( a term for kids of parents in the Royal Air Force) Is going to impact more areas of her life than just having   her Daddy away on deployment sometimes.

Welcome September IcomLeaveWe

Welcome to all those here from IcomLeaveWE, I am currently a stay at home mum to two little girls, Munchkin and Cookie. I suffered 3 miscarriages between them, and i still miss my angel babies terribly.
Here is a link to my treatment summary for Recurrent Pregnanct Loss that brought Cookie here.
If you are still looking for answers I truly hope you find them and soon. Right now I am enjoying the newborn days and having my Husband on Home soil ( he is in the airforce). it is nice to feel like a normal family for a bit no TTC stress and no defence stress. I look forward to reading your blogs as well. baby dust to all xxoo

Life with Cookie

(Note: To all those still struggling with TTC/ Loss, this blog will be now focused on parenting after loss and life in general. If you need to stop reading for a while I completely understand and i look forward to seeing you again soon. Sending baby dust to all xxoo)

The first two weeks with Cookie have been great She is a real snuggle bug and her favourite place to sleep is in someones arms. She is a champion feeder and didn't loose any weight in her birth week. The cardigan i knitted isn't going to fit for long.
 My guilty mummy secret is that I am co sleeping her as she hates her little bassinet. I also think i wouldn't be able to sleep without her close to me I love that i can just kiss her head to see if she is too hot or too cold, and i love that instead of crying she just makes funny noises and starts to look around for my nipple when she is hungry. I co slept with Munchkin  for 3 months as well. Cookie only wakes twice at night for a feed when she is in our bed. In the day she naps in the pram surrounded by noise. she likes to know where we are.
Recovery from birth for me this time has been a lot easier. I haven't been ravaged by hormonal crying like i did after munchkin was born. and we are getting more sleep this time round. Although i have never been so happy to be tired in my life.
I don't think i will ever understand why my Angels had to go or why Cookie is here today. all i know is that all of my babies have a special place in my heart.
Munchkin loves her little sister and i am not allowed to change a nappy or give her a bath without Munchkins help I hope this trend continues.
People have already been asking when number 3 will be coming and right now i can't answer that question. In an ideal world the answer would be soon. But we all know that the world is not ideal.
 and right now i have the lovely warm weight of a sleeping newborn in my arms and i feel blessed. and i am going to enjoy this feeling for a while before i even think about wanting to go through TTC again.

Scary Firsts

Last night we had to take Munchkin to the emergency room for the first time, i was hoping not to have this experience for a couple more years yet and for something like a broken bone, not because she was struggling to breathe. Munchkin has always been prone to Croup she has had it 4 times before but last night when i went to see why she was coughing she was sitting in bed looking terrified and struggling to suck any air in at all in between coughs. and her trachea and intercostal muscles were all sucked in with each breath as well. I may be a nurse but seeing your kid struggling for air is still terrifying. So off we went to the hospital and she settled a bit on the way. the Hospital gave her a dose of anti inflammatory steroids and we stuck around for it to kick in. it worked well and we were home by midnight. But everyone is tired in this house today as munchkin slept in our bed last night but didn't sleep much as the steroid dose was keeping her awake. She is still a little bit Croupy this morning I am hoping tonight is better.
On the pregnancy front, Cookie seems to be quite happy where she is. I really hope she decides to make her entrance into the world soon.

Munchkin is Three !

My beautiful munchkin is now 3 . This is a picture of her Miffy birthday cake, she loves the books by Dick Bruna that this little rabbit is from. We had a small party with her closest friends.  We had a bubble machine and lots of bubble blowing, which was a big hit with all the little party guests, We had a treasure hunt around the backyard which was a lot of fun. She got a bike for her birthday which she is already fairly good at riding. A great day was had by all.

A proud Mummy Moment

I don't normally post photos but we got these back today and i was having a proud mummy moment Munchkin is growing so fast. her last professional photos were taken at 6 weeks. She has come a long way and i'm very proud of her.

Defence life

Hubby is away this week on a military leadership challenge exercise. and whilst he has been away for far longer whilst Munchkin was a baby this one is the toughest for her by far. We were up early to drop him off Munchkin was fine with this, and remained fine all the way up until dinner time when i was confronted with a complete refusal to eat dinner, which flawed me as she is having a growth spurt at the moment and eating everything in site. I thought she was sick until she blurted out "  No eating Mummy,wait for Daddy." She only ate dinner when i told her that as a special treat she could sit in Daddy's chair at the table. It seems while she has adjusted to me being at work 3 nights a week her stability at night comes from Daddy.  and i have been up to her room countless times tonight. she went to bed at 7 and has only just fallen asleep at 9. using every excuse under the sun, wanting water, to do a wee wee or a poo. Wanting me to tuck in all her stuffed toys ( in the correct order) needing another kiss or another lullaby.  realising she missed out on a sticker ( toilet training reward) and the list goes on. the real issue is that Daddy normally makes shadow puppets for her with his hands at bedtime( a duck, a dog and a butterfly are the favourites) and she is having trouble settling with a missing link in her bedtime routine.  Hopefully she will be more settled tomorrow.
 Defence life is hard on little ones.

another week

Another week has passed since i said goodbye to my latest little angel. I am trying so hard to return to normality. i went back to work, I took Munchkin to paint and play. The whole thing of faking it till you make it is leaving a hollowness inside again. I wonder if Munchkin knows I'm still sad even though i haven't cried in front of her in a week. I know she likes having her play dates again so for her sake i soldier on. but i can't help but wonder what happens when the tank runs dry?

Miscarriage through Munchkins eyes

12 months ago, my little girl was extremely outgoing. Today She is shy, introverted,clingy and defiantly a Mummy's girl. What Happened? between the ages of 14months and 2and 2months she has watched her Mummy go through 3 miscarriages. Even though i never told her about the pregnancies or miscarriages she has suffered and like her mummy and daddy is now changed. This one has been rough on her already.
I cannot put on the same clothes as what i was wearing on the day i had the ultrasound that confirmed my miscarriage. if i do Munchkin starts saying over and over " No Mummy Cry, No Mummy Cry" and "Take Jacket Off". When i told her we were going to see Nicki ( my fert Doc) last wed, and that she could play with the train there.  She instantly got very upset and started saying " No Niki, No Mummy Cry". and she plays with her toys differently too. she puts her little people in the car drives them to the " big house" ( which is what munchkin calls the hospital) drops off the mummy doll saying " Mummy sick mummy cry" and then takes the other dolls shopping which is what my hubby does with her while i am having the D&C.
She is waking at night again for no reason other than she wants a cuddle. and she is my constant shadow.
It is so hard to watch your child suffer through something they don't understand.

Munchkin is 2

My beautiful little girl is 2 we have been surrounded by family and friends and she had a great party with a treasure hunt. I have been reflecting on how i had just found out i was pregnant with my first angel on her first birthday party day. and i'm not pregnant now. for me it was a day of mixed emotion. But munchkin loved every second of the festivities so all the effort of putting on her party whilst feeling a tad blue was worth it. I made her a Jemima puddle duck birthday cake.