Not such good news today. I Had the Viability scan done and there was no heartbeat. I am praying that I ovulated late and it is just too little.
I now have to wait till the 11th of Jan for another scan. This is one of the worst forms of torture ever :(. Please pray with me that my little baby is OK.

I found this on a support site and wanted to share it as is it very much how i feel.

Dear God,

Please hold my unborn child in your ever loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine and not rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with you.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
withing my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine grace.
And when you call me home to your kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby that I never held but always loved.
Amen
Ellen Dubois Miscarriagehelp.com

talking

I was chatting to a friend about how i am feeling. I thought she was someone i could sound to.
It turns out she thinks that that amount of time has passed and i should be OK. Sympathy is gone, and science has replaced it. but my grief for my angel is still so raw. instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. and feeling rather isolated.

tests

it seems all I am doing at the moment is having tests I have lost track of the amount of blood tests they have done. They are monitoring my hormone levels to make sure they are high enough to maintain a pregnancy. so far they are "borderline normal" so as far as i know its just scraping through. I'm off to my doctors this evening to get the latest results and my stomach is a knot of nerves. The viability ultra sound is on Monday I'm praying really hard that there is a heartbeat and everything will be OK. Id really like some good news for Christmas.

Courage

Today I plucked up enough courage to pee on a stick..... 2 lines.
I should be happy this is what i want......... but I am scared..........really terrified.
Please pray with me that i get to keep this little baby. its inside me and yet i can do nothing to help it if it is in trouble.
And to my little Angel baby "Mummy will never forget you"

I start my new job on Wednesday. I'm quite excited about returning to work and feeling a little like my old self again. I am taking a maths study break at the moment i had forgotten how difficult all the medication maths was. you forget it so quick when you don't use it every day. and I'm digging it out of the back of my brain after 20 months off work.
It is doing a good job of distracting my head from the fact that my period is a couple of days late. I just don't have the courage to go and pee on a stick. maybe tomorrow will bring me more courage. I don't want to know too early just in case i loose it. if i don't know i can just think that my period was late. Trust me to get pregnant 2 days before starting a new job though :). Hopefully i have more courage tomorrow.