3 years ago today

 Three years ago today i heard the words for the first time that no pregnant woman wants to hear " I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat"  Three years ago i said goodbye to Sparticus, my first little angel before i got the chance to say hello.
and today its only I that remembers. Hubby doesn't remember. It seems only a mothers heart remembers these things.
And while i wouldn't trade cookie for the world i still wonder what if . What would life be like if I hadn't had my miscarriages? Different i know,  but better, worse, more fulfilling or less? would i have 3 by now planning number 4 instead of number 3. If i hadn't lost my babies would i still consider pregnancy and life the miracle that it is? or would my eye be blind? and would i think that baby making is something everyone can do with ease.
Even comming out the other side of RPL it still messes with my head.

Two years ago today

For my first little angel Sparticus,
 I miss you a lot today and always, it was two years ago that i found out you were not going to be mine to hold. Even though i have your sister wriggling in me now,  there will always be a little bit of my heart that belongs just to you. A mothers love never forgets.
I will see and hold you one day my darling
mummy xxoo

David's Birthday

Today is the Day that my bubba boy should have been entering the world. Cookie should still be a distant dream. Today i should be counting tiny fingers and toes. and enjoying the smell of a freshly bathed newborn baby. but once again today my arms are empty. Instead of dressing my little boy in the colour of the heavens he is there already. I miss you, David and love you more than you will ever know.  xxoo

Written just for David

Dear David,

Although I loved you dearly,
I couldn't make you stay.
A tiny heart stopped beating,
little hands at rest, not play.
God broke my heart to prove to me,
he only takes the best.
My little son, an Angel one.
My heart is breaking, yet i am blessed.

I will see and hold you one day my Angel
Mummy xxoo

a lullaby for my angels

Every night ,since Munchkin was born i have sung her the same 2 lullaby's. But last night i sung them just for my angels (especially Peanut). here are the lyrics.

Brahm's Lullaby

lullaby and goodnight
may sleep softly surround you
while your dreams, fill your eyes
with the melody of love
may the moonlight embrace you
the starlight caress you
may the sunlight still sing you
this lullaby of love.

Baby Mine

baby mine, don't you cry
baby mine, dry your eyes
rest your head close to my heart
never to part, baby of mine

little one when you play
don't you mind what they say
let those eyes sparkle and shine
never a tear, baby of mine

From your head to your toes
your so sweet, goodness knows
you are so precious to me
 cute as can be, baby of mine

Peanut's birthday

My darling Peanut,
                     Today is the day that was supposed to be your birthday. The day i would work really hard to bring you into the world. And then whisper in your ear as you lay sleeping in my arms " you were worth every second sweetheart". But today my arms are empty. I watched the dawn break today. I was hoping to see the sunrise but it was cloudy and windy with a forecast of snow for the brindabella mountains. I lit a candle for your life today. it was lit before dawn in the dark and it is still burning as i write this to you.
I love you my darling.....wishing you were here
Mummy

Love

My newest little Angel,
I loved you the moment you formed in my belly, I love you now, and I'll love you always. Missing you so much, and thinking of you constantly. May the angels look after you now. Sweet dreams my darling.
Mummy xxoo

Words for my Angels in Heaven

There are so many things that i wanted for you
I wanted to dress you in outfits of pink or blue
and give you a name that is special, just for you.
I wanted to sing to you sweetly as you fall asleep
and count the freckles upon your cheeks.
I wanted to watch you grow up big and tall
and kiss it all better when you fall.
I didn't want you to be gone so soon
I already love you up to the moon
I pray that you are safe and felt no pain
and that one day we will meet in a place filled with Sunshine, not rain.

So precious babes, please know this to be true Mummy really, really loves you.

I found this on a support site and wanted to share it as is it very much how i feel.

Dear God,

Please hold my unborn child in your ever loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine and not rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with you.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
withing my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine grace.
And when you call me home to your kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby that I never held but always loved.
Amen
Ellen Dubois Miscarriagehelp.com

Words for my Angel

Forever in a mother's heart

Remember me Mummy,
although I have no birthday.
Remember me,
although I have never cried.
Remember me,
although your arms will never hold me.
Remember me,
although your eyes will never see me.
Remember me,
although on this earth I leave no footprint.
Remember me Mummy,
because no one else will.

My darling Angel,
You have left me too soon,
And though my body can no longer hold you,
I will hold you forever in my heart.

Mummy xxo

Grief

The other night as i was sleeping.
I had a dream that i was holding you in my arms.
When I awoke you were no longer there,
so i cried and cried and cried.