mindfullness

One of the people i saw to help manage my anxiety when i was pregnant with cookie said i should try to practice mindfullness, live in the now and be thankfull. I never managed it while i was pregnant. The thoughts of ' my body is not a safe place for a baby' and 'this is not a fetus its my baby, doesn't anyone get what i could loose here' were very consuming. But maybe the time to start practising mindfullness is now when the waters are calm so that it can become a habit by the time the waters get rought again for whatever reason.
So what am I thankfull for right now:-
   Sleepless nights
Munchkin being jealous of Cookie ( she will probably never get how lucky she is to have a sister)
Munchkins obsession with sticking dinosour and dragon stickers all over her face and mine too for that matter. and then going to get pizza with daddy for dinner ( stickers still all over her face) She will get self consious soon enough but for now i love that she doesn't give too hoots how she looks when she leaves the house.
picking strawberries ( they always taste better picked from your own strawberry patch especially good if they are offered as a present from ur 3 yr old)
Thats probably enought for one day i need to leave something to be thankfull for tomorrow.

update

Life here is running relatively smoothly. Cookie is a delightful baby. who loves a good nights sleep (must take after her mummy). Munchkin has recently become jealous of Cookie and is having many more tantrums the moment my attention is diverted. be it a telephone call, or feeding and settling Cookie. she used to have time out in her room for bad behaviour but we have a 2 story house and i nearly fell down the stairs the other day whilst lugging her kicking, screaming, biting body up the stairs.  So we now have a naughty spot which is actually an old fold up car window shade it folds up small enough to fit in my nappy bag and when i pop it out its big enough for her to sit on. This way her time out can happen in the same spot as her tantrum. it is also good as i can give her a time out if she is misbehaving at the shops or someone Else's house.
We celebrated Hubby's 30th birthday last week munchkin and i made a London cheesecake ( it was really yummy) although not to munchkins taste which Hubby didn't mind at all. he gobbled up her piece in a flash. The weather is starting to warm up here which is great i can't wait to get to the beach this summer. I just need to shift the last 5 kgs of pregnancy weight they are being stubborn.

Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

Yeasterday October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day.
So yesterday I thought a lot about little Sparticus( our first angel), Peanut ( our second angel), and David (our third little angel) These three little souls have a very special place in my heart. I am a mummy to 5 and it will always feel that way. sending hugs and prayers to all those mums out there who have more children than the ammount of feet on the floor.

Welcome September IcomLeaveWe

Welcome to all those here from IcomLeaveWE, I am currently a stay at home mum to two little girls, Munchkin and Cookie. I suffered 3 miscarriages between them, and i still miss my angel babies terribly.
Here is a link to my treatment summary for Recurrent Pregnanct Loss that brought Cookie here.
If you are still looking for answers I truly hope you find them and soon. Right now I am enjoying the newborn days and having my Husband on Home soil ( he is in the airforce). it is nice to feel like a normal family for a bit no TTC stress and no defence stress. I look forward to reading your blogs as well. baby dust to all xxoo

Life with Cookie

(Note: To all those still struggling with TTC/ Loss, this blog will be now focused on parenting after loss and life in general. If you need to stop reading for a while I completely understand and i look forward to seeing you again soon. Sending baby dust to all xxoo)

The first two weeks with Cookie have been great She is a real snuggle bug and her favourite place to sleep is in someones arms. She is a champion feeder and didn't loose any weight in her birth week. The cardigan i knitted isn't going to fit for long.
 My guilty mummy secret is that I am co sleeping her as she hates her little bassinet. I also think i wouldn't be able to sleep without her close to me I love that i can just kiss her head to see if she is too hot or too cold, and i love that instead of crying she just makes funny noises and starts to look around for my nipple when she is hungry. I co slept with Munchkin  for 3 months as well. Cookie only wakes twice at night for a feed when she is in our bed. In the day she naps in the pram surrounded by noise. she likes to know where we are.
Recovery from birth for me this time has been a lot easier. I haven't been ravaged by hormonal crying like i did after munchkin was born. and we are getting more sleep this time round. Although i have never been so happy to be tired in my life.
I don't think i will ever understand why my Angels had to go or why Cookie is here today. all i know is that all of my babies have a special place in my heart.
Munchkin loves her little sister and i am not allowed to change a nappy or give her a bath without Munchkins help I hope this trend continues.
People have already been asking when number 3 will be coming and right now i can't answer that question. In an ideal world the answer would be soon. But we all know that the world is not ideal.
 and right now i have the lovely warm weight of a sleeping newborn in my arms and i feel blessed. and i am going to enjoy this feeling for a while before i even think about wanting to go through TTC again.

Cookie's Birth Story

On Sunday 21st August i woke up at 05:00 with what i thought was pre labour contractions they were really irregular only 20 secs long and i could walk through them easily. So i paced the corridor in my house to see if they would strengthen. at 09:00hrs they did and by 11:15 a friend was picking up Munchkin and Hubby and i had a light lunch before heading to the Hospital we arrived at about 12:30 and i was 4 cms dilated. I was using Gas and a hot shower for pain relief and doing well. by 2pm i was having the urge to push so I had to get out of the shower and after a check i was told i was fully dilated and to follow my body. I pushed for 10 mins and the midwife said She would be here in another 15mins. But the i started vomiting and by contractions slowed so they put up some syntocin which increased my pain (A LOT) and i started getting pain in my pelvic  and pubic bone it felt as though with each contraction someone was sawing my pubic bone with a hacksaw. the midwives were telling me to push through it but i couldn't. I tried squatting, birthing stool, birthing ball, on all fours. by 5pm i was going out of my mind with pain. i had hubby and a midwife putting counter pressure on my hips which helped a tad but i still couldn't get her out. So at 5:40 they did a nerve block and pulled her out with the suction cap on her head. I only sustained a 1st degree tare that didn't require suturing.
 She is worth all of it but had i known how intense this labour would be i would have asked for an epidural when i was 4 cms.
Hubby brought Munchkin in and we had Pizza  dinner whilst i was still on the labour and delivery suite.
I only stayed in for 24hrs post delivery and up until tonight Cookie has been the model baby but tonight she is unsettled and hasn't slept a wink i am currently wearing her in a harness so hubby can get some sleep upstairs, we will swap soon.

Scary Firsts

Last night we had to take Munchkin to the emergency room for the first time, i was hoping not to have this experience for a couple more years yet and for something like a broken bone, not because she was struggling to breathe. Munchkin has always been prone to Croup she has had it 4 times before but last night when i went to see why she was coughing she was sitting in bed looking terrified and struggling to suck any air in at all in between coughs. and her trachea and intercostal muscles were all sucked in with each breath as well. I may be a nurse but seeing your kid struggling for air is still terrifying. So off we went to the hospital and she settled a bit on the way. the Hospital gave her a dose of anti inflammatory steroids and we stuck around for it to kick in. it worked well and we were home by midnight. But everyone is tired in this house today as munchkin slept in our bed last night but didn't sleep much as the steroid dose was keeping her awake. She is still a little bit Croupy this morning I am hoping tonight is better.
On the pregnancy front, Cookie seems to be quite happy where she is. I really hope she decides to make her entrance into the world soon.

A proud Mummy Moment

I don't normally post photos but we got these back today and i was having a proud mummy moment Munchkin is growing so fast. her last professional photos were taken at 6 weeks. She has come a long way and i'm very proud of her.

Defence life

Hubby is away this week on a military leadership challenge exercise. and whilst he has been away for far longer whilst Munchkin was a baby this one is the toughest for her by far. We were up early to drop him off Munchkin was fine with this, and remained fine all the way up until dinner time when i was confronted with a complete refusal to eat dinner, which flawed me as she is having a growth spurt at the moment and eating everything in site. I thought she was sick until she blurted out "  No eating Mummy,wait for Daddy." She only ate dinner when i told her that as a special treat she could sit in Daddy's chair at the table. It seems while she has adjusted to me being at work 3 nights a week her stability at night comes from Daddy.  and i have been up to her room countless times tonight. she went to bed at 7 and has only just fallen asleep at 9. using every excuse under the sun, wanting water, to do a wee wee or a poo. Wanting me to tuck in all her stuffed toys ( in the correct order) needing another kiss or another lullaby.  realising she missed out on a sticker ( toilet training reward) and the list goes on. the real issue is that Daddy normally makes shadow puppets for her with his hands at bedtime( a duck, a dog and a butterfly are the favourites) and she is having trouble settling with a missing link in her bedtime routine.  Hopefully she will be more settled tomorrow.
 Defence life is hard on little ones.

How i feel today

I feel that as a mother I failed my babies. They lived in my womb I was their lifeline, and yet when my babies were in trouble, when they were dying I couldn’t help them. I didn’t even know. Nobody wants to die alone it is most people’s worst fear. And yet my little babies died all alone, inside my body. I wanted to see them and hold them and tell them it would be ok. I couldn’t even offer my babies the comfort of a mother’s love when they needed me most. I wanted to tell them that i was Sorry, sorry that I couldn’t give them what they needed.

Mother of 4

I always wanted 4 kids. Never in my wildest dreams did i expect that after 4 pregnancies there would be only one pair of little feet on my floor and three pairs of tiny angel wings fluttering in heaven.
it is breaking my already shattered heart all over again.

Survriving the First year of parenthood

I knew that having kids changed your life, but i was completely unprepared for the baptism of fire i received. In my arms was a hungry monster that didn't know how to, nor want to sleep, The first night at home together Munchkin screamed solid from midnight to eight am. with me breastfeeding her as often as i could to shut her up. by 2am Munchkin was screaming, i was sobbing and hubby was trying to comfort the two of us. funny in hindsight but what a night. and things weren't to improve any time soon. Munchkin didn't sleep through the night regularly till 10 months of age. and met all milestones early crawled at 5 months walking by 9 1/2 months I was so not ready. Where was my sleepy, cuddly baby? There are actually a lot of photos of her sleeping in our photo album as it was such a rare occasion that we always felt the need to get the camera out.

My next challenge came when munchkin was 12 weeks old and hubby had to go away for 3 months with work ( the joys of being a defence family) I had just started coping with him there to give me a break at night to have a shower and 30 minutes of me time. and now i was to discover what being a single mum was like for 3 months.
I became friends with my neighbour who happened to be an army defence family she had a 2 yr old boy. without that support and understanding i probably wouldn't have made it through.
We survrived the first year. Our Munchkin has developed into a beautiful ambitious toddler and we are now settled in to our new posting location with much help of Defence Force play groups. and Hubby is on Australian soil for a while to come, we almost feel like a normal civilian family.