A why me? pity party

 Today, a good friend announces she is pregnant with twins. she already has 2 children.
all of her pregnancies are first month of trying.
and while i am thrilled that the babies are healthy and so is she. I must admit i came home from morning tea at her house and had 20 mins of why me tears?
why am i the less than 1% of women that will have 3 or more miscarriages in a row? I know these statistical bullets have to hit someone, but still why me?
Why is it that the feeling of infertility/sub fertility doesn't go away?
Why is it that just thinking about the appointment with the fert doc next Monday has the power to make me feel anxious.
Why even with Cookie here and healthy can't i think of myself as a survivor and not an infertility sufferer.

...I feel better already... everyone needs a pity party occasionally. thanks for comming. sorry i don't have party hats and whistles for everyone. :)

3 years ago today

 Three years ago today i heard the words for the first time that no pregnant woman wants to hear " I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat"  Three years ago i said goodbye to Sparticus, my first little angel before i got the chance to say hello.
and today its only I that remembers. Hubby doesn't remember. It seems only a mothers heart remembers these things.
And while i wouldn't trade cookie for the world i still wonder what if . What would life be like if I hadn't had my miscarriages? Different i know,  but better, worse, more fulfilling or less? would i have 3 by now planning number 4 instead of number 3. If i hadn't lost my babies would i still consider pregnancy and life the miracle that it is? or would my eye be blind? and would i think that baby making is something everyone can do with ease.
Even comming out the other side of RPL it still messes with my head.

6wk post birth check results

I received a call from my dr to discuss my 6 wk post birth check results. and it turns out my Vit D  levels are quite low which surprised me as i am in Australia and spend a lot of time outside with munchkin who is addicted to climbing trees and playing in her paddling pool. I was looking on Dr google for implications for low vit D and it is not just for our bones it apparently helps our immune system function correctly and has a role in male and female fertility especially in females with poly cystic ovaries. and  here is the cruncher it has a link to first trimester miscarriages as well. my fertility dr as far as i know didn't test for low vit D.
my blood is boiling to think that a simple vitamin supplement that you can get over the counter could have potentially prevented my miscarriages.

Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

Yeasterday October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day.
So yesterday I thought a lot about little Sparticus( our first angel), Peanut ( our second angel), and David (our third little angel) These three little souls have a very special place in my heart. I am a mummy to 5 and it will always feel that way. sending hugs and prayers to all those mums out there who have more children than the ammount of feet on the floor.

Welcome September IcomLeaveWe

Welcome to all those here from IcomLeaveWE, I am currently a stay at home mum to two little girls, Munchkin and Cookie. I suffered 3 miscarriages between them, and i still miss my angel babies terribly.
Here is a link to my treatment summary for Recurrent Pregnanct Loss that brought Cookie here.
If you are still looking for answers I truly hope you find them and soon. Right now I am enjoying the newborn days and having my Husband on Home soil ( he is in the airforce). it is nice to feel like a normal family for a bit no TTC stress and no defence stress. I look forward to reading your blogs as well. baby dust to all xxoo

a little muddled

Sorry for the lack of meaningful posts lately, my head is all muddled up. Last Thursday marked one year since we found out our little jellybean was an angel. and some days I'd still give anything to be able to turn back the clock and have my angels with me. Which makes me feel terrible cause i do really love and want Cookie. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to what pregnancy should be. The baby car seats are still in the Garage. i don't want them in the cars until Cookie is safely here. Everything is washed but Cookies room still looks like the guest room and not a nursery. and the excited " my baby will be here soon" feeling that i had with munchkin is simply not there. I am really worried about something going wrong during the birth. which i know isn't good for natural labour as stress hormones can stop things progressing smoothly, a mum needs to feel safe and supported for a smooth labour.  All I feel is stress and worry. I just want Cookie safely in my arms pink and healthy, so maybe then i can relax.

Two years ago today

For my first little angel Sparticus,
 I miss you a lot today and always, it was two years ago that i found out you were not going to be mine to hold. Even though i have your sister wriggling in me now,  there will always be a little bit of my heart that belongs just to you. A mothers love never forgets.
I will see and hold you one day my darling
mummy xxoo

untilted

I am now 30 weeks, and I am so grateful; to have made it this far. I hope the next 10 weeks are smooth sailing. My last midwife visit was good I passed the glucose test so no diabetes and my blood pressure is good. the only slightly negative thing is that Cookie hasn't turned yet. I know there is still time I just wonder whether the low placenta is preventing Cookie from turning. I have a scan at 34 weeks to check the placental position  to see if i can deliver naturally. so i haven't been standing on my head yet as there is probably not too much point trying to turn the baby before i am told that i can deliver naturally. I really don't want a C section though. so lots of prayers that the placenta has stretched out of the way and that Cookie is head down at the 34 week scan.

Tomorrow is 2 years since i lost our first angel, Sparticus and was plunged into a world of recurrent pregnancy loss. I truly hope that I am now leaving that dark place but i still get very anxious about anything going wrong from here in. I really hope that my arms are filled in august with the sleepy weight of a healthy newborn.  Some days i still find it hard to believe that Cookie is healthy and wriggling in my belly.

To live in dream land

In my dreams my family is complete, I have my loving husband by my side and five beautiful children under my feet. I can touch, hug and laugh with them, I can comfort and rock them all to sleep. In my dreams I can watch all of them grow. 
But then the sun comes up and my eyes open and my family is different my loving Husband is still there by my side, but both of us wear the scars of loss, Munchkin is under our feet and Cookie is wriggling in my tummy.  letting myself truly love and enjoy this pregnancy leaves me feeling guilty. It is not possible to have the family i have in my dreams.If any of my angels were here then Cookie wouldn't be. and while i love and long for my angel babies,  i love Cookie too. and sometimes this seems to cause feeling i don't know how to put words to,  Some days it still causes me much pain that my family will never be complete anywhere but in my dreams.
It seems that loss and infertility leave a lot of us feeling incomplete.

recurrent pregnancy loss / recurrent miscarriage

I have been delaying this post for some time mainly because i don't know how to start it. And because i was worried that by sharing this i would be jinxing Cookie. But i want to share what has enabled this pregnancy after enduring three successive losses. So here is a treatment summary of this pregnancy.
step one : a course of Doxycycline ( antibiotic)
Step two: Prednisone 5mg (immunosuppressive steroid) from day 1 of cycle
step three: Clexane (lovonox) injections from ovulation + 1
step four: Pregnyl (beta HCG) injections on ovulation+4 and ovulation+7 for a luteal phase deficit.
step 5 : Progesterone pessaries 200mg morning and night from ovulation plus 7 through to 14 weeks pregnancy.
It goes without saying that i was taking a pregnancy multivitamin and on the advice of a gynae registrar i added High dose folic acid 5mg tablets. as he said a woman with my history should be taking it as a precaution and it won't do any harm. It was on Cycle #2 of this regime that we got Cookie.
the fert doc swapped the Clexane to baby aspirin at 10 weeks pregnant due to me bleeding.
Everything here is empiric treatment with the exception of the Pregnyl for the LPD. as i didn't test positive to an immune disorder or a clotting disorder. but she decided to treat me as if i did test positive to both and for some reason it has worked.
It is my hope that anyone who stumbles across this post after recurrent pregnancy loss may find an unexplored option.

Feeling a ted Robbed

I was thinking about when i was pregnant with Munchkin or our first little angel Sparticus, and how different pregnancy felt compared to now. Pregnancy used to be filled with a fantastic amount of nervous excitement. and the fear and anxiety that has replaced it isn't nice, Miscarriage has robbed me of those feelings. they briefly flicker back after an ultrasound where all is well, but it only takes a couple of days for the fear and doubt to creep back in. I thought that after the 12 week scan i would be feeling better about this pregnancy. But the couple of scares i have had, have made it hard to relax and enjoy things. My next scan is the 7th of march at 16 weeks and it can't come soon enough.

David's Birthday

Today is the Day that my bubba boy should have been entering the world. Cookie should still be a distant dream. Today i should be counting tiny fingers and toes. and enjoying the smell of a freshly bathed newborn baby. but once again today my arms are empty. Instead of dressing my little boy in the colour of the heavens he is there already. I miss you, David and love you more than you will ever know.  xxoo

Written just for David

Dear David,

Although I loved you dearly,
I couldn't make you stay.
A tiny heart stopped beating,
little hands at rest, not play.
God broke my heart to prove to me,
he only takes the best.
My little son, an Angel one.
My heart is breaking, yet i am blessed.

I will see and hold you one day my Angel
Mummy xxoo

How i feel today

I feel that as a mother I failed my babies. They lived in my womb I was their lifeline, and yet when my babies were in trouble, when they were dying I couldn’t help them. I didn’t even know. Nobody wants to die alone it is most people’s worst fear. And yet my little babies died all alone, inside my body. I wanted to see them and hold them and tell them it would be ok. I couldn’t even offer my babies the comfort of a mother’s love when they needed me most. I wanted to tell them that i was Sorry, sorry that I couldn’t give them what they needed.

Homework for my Counsellor my Angel's names.

Last weeks homework was to write down my anger. it helped after not knowing where to start i filled 3 A4 pages of type. this week is negative thoughts but She keeps asking me if it would help to name my Angels and while they don't have proper names all  of my 'baby bumps' had a name I just handn't felt able to share them with you before. So before i share them with her next week i thought I'd share them with all of you. here is an exert from this weeks Homework:-

"You have asked me at both our chats whether I have named my Angel babies. And the answer is no I haven’t given them a proper name not one that they should have been christened with.  But all of my baby ‘bumps’ had a name even before they grew big enough to be a bump. Munchkin when she was in my belly was ‘Junior’. It was actually a surprise when she came out as she wasn’t what I expected my ‘Juniour’ to be. My first Angel was ‘Sparticus’ Hubby named this bump as he said junior kicked like a Spartan warrior. And we both thought this one would be the same. Sadly I never got to feel a good kick in the diaphragm from my little Sparticus. Hubby didn’t want to name the next bumps so early he wanted to wait till after the 12 week scan. But i secretly still named them. My second little Angel was “Peanut” and the 16th of August is Peanut’s due date. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant with Peanut when it was Sparticus’s due date. And it helped to ease the pain of this day as there was life in my body again. I thought I had already taken the statistical bullet and that lightning wouldn’t strike twice. But strike it did.
My latest little Angel is ‘Jellybean’ and while my time with Jellybean was full of anxiety( about the food I ate, and environmental Chemicals and hazards I didn’t garden at all because i was scared of bacteria in the soil harming jellybean. My poor cat George thought he had been disowned i didn’t pat him once). I still had hope that Jellybean would be mine to hold. I was having hormone monitoring and regular ultrasounds I was sure that Nikki ( fert Doc) would find any problem and that we could treat it. But Jellybean became an angel and now i don't know where to find hope."

another week

Another week has passed since i said goodbye to my latest little angel. I am trying so hard to return to normality. i went back to work, I took Munchkin to paint and play. The whole thing of faking it till you make it is leaving a hollowness inside again. I wonder if Munchkin knows I'm still sad even though i haven't cried in front of her in a week. I know she likes having her play dates again so for her sake i soldier on. but i can't help but wonder what happens when the tank runs dry?

Miscarriage through Munchkins eyes

12 months ago, my little girl was extremely outgoing. Today She is shy, introverted,clingy and defiantly a Mummy's girl. What Happened? between the ages of 14months and 2and 2months she has watched her Mummy go through 3 miscarriages. Even though i never told her about the pregnancies or miscarriages she has suffered and like her mummy and daddy is now changed. This one has been rough on her already.
I cannot put on the same clothes as what i was wearing on the day i had the ultrasound that confirmed my miscarriage. if i do Munchkin starts saying over and over " No Mummy Cry, No Mummy Cry" and "Take Jacket Off". When i told her we were going to see Nicki ( my fert Doc) last wed, and that she could play with the train there.  She instantly got very upset and started saying " No Niki, No Mummy Cry". and she plays with her toys differently too. she puts her little people in the car drives them to the " big house" ( which is what munchkin calls the hospital) drops off the mummy doll saying " Mummy sick mummy cry" and then takes the other dolls shopping which is what my hubby does with her while i am having the D&C.
She is waking at night again for no reason other than she wants a cuddle. and she is my constant shadow.
It is so hard to watch your child suffer through something they don't understand.

Where to form here?

I thought a post was in order on whats going on now.
I saw my Fertility doc again last wed. at first i thought she didn't want to do any further testing. but I've talked her into doing genetic karyotyping on hubby and i as well as what was sent off from bub. she has given me a referral for a hysterscoppy and uterine natural killer cell test. which will have to wait till about 6 weeks after my D&C to do to let everything settle down. When we are ready ti start TTC we have more progesterone treatment they are putting me on a low dose steroid. and when i fall pregnant again I have to take anti clotting needles. Hubby and i aren't trying again until we have the results from the testing. even though i know that your fertility increases that first cycle after a miscarriage. and my fertility doc says there is no reason to wait if you don't want to.  OK so that's the game plan.
Here is what i didn't like from our meeting. My fertility doc has openly said that the treatment for recurrent miscarriage is "all voodoo" and yes she used those words. it only works on a very small percentage of people undergoing treatment. and for the rest it does nothing. And on those that it does work on they don't know why. Why miscarriages and recurrent miscarriages occur is a hugely under researched area. the other thing i didn't like about our meeting is that i think she has put me in the too hard basket. when she came out to call in another pt. she picked up a file looked at it and said to the girl at the desk " this one is too hard I'll see this one first" and put the file down picked up another one and called a couple into her office. when this couple came out she picked up that original file and called my husband and i into the office. I don't want to be in the "Too hard" basket. i want to know why my Angels died and i want more Children. I used to feel a glimmer of hope and my Fertility Docs office. When i walked in on Wednesday the air felt heavy and all i could feel was death.

Mother of 4

I always wanted 4 kids. Never in my wildest dreams did i expect that after 4 pregnancies there would be only one pair of little feet on my floor and three pairs of tiny angel wings fluttering in heaven.
it is breaking my already shattered heart all over again.

Complete and utter devastation

Today i had my follow up ultrasound there is no heartbeat and not blood flow to the baby. The baby measured 8wks 6days it all stopped a day after my last ultrasound when it had a heartbeat of 176.
 I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow. they are taking a sample for genetic testing this time. I am gutted. i have been here twice before and thought it might get easier. IT DOESN'T.