3 years ago today

 Three years ago today i heard the words for the first time that no pregnant woman wants to hear " I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat"  Three years ago i said goodbye to Sparticus, my first little angel before i got the chance to say hello.
and today its only I that remembers. Hubby doesn't remember. It seems only a mothers heart remembers these things.
And while i wouldn't trade cookie for the world i still wonder what if . What would life be like if I hadn't had my miscarriages? Different i know,  but better, worse, more fulfilling or less? would i have 3 by now planning number 4 instead of number 3. If i hadn't lost my babies would i still consider pregnancy and life the miracle that it is? or would my eye be blind? and would i think that baby making is something everyone can do with ease.
Even comming out the other side of RPL it still messes with my head.

6wk post birth check results

I received a call from my dr to discuss my 6 wk post birth check results. and it turns out my Vit D  levels are quite low which surprised me as i am in Australia and spend a lot of time outside with munchkin who is addicted to climbing trees and playing in her paddling pool. I was looking on Dr google for implications for low vit D and it is not just for our bones it apparently helps our immune system function correctly and has a role in male and female fertility especially in females with poly cystic ovaries. and  here is the cruncher it has a link to first trimester miscarriages as well. my fertility dr as far as i know didn't test for low vit D.
my blood is boiling to think that a simple vitamin supplement that you can get over the counter could have potentially prevented my miscarriages.

Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

Yeasterday October 15th was pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day.
So yesterday I thought a lot about little Sparticus( our first angel), Peanut ( our second angel), and David (our third little angel) These three little souls have a very special place in my heart. I am a mummy to 5 and it will always feel that way. sending hugs and prayers to all those mums out there who have more children than the ammount of feet on the floor.

To live in dream land

In my dreams my family is complete, I have my loving husband by my side and five beautiful children under my feet. I can touch, hug and laugh with them, I can comfort and rock them all to sleep. In my dreams I can watch all of them grow. 
But then the sun comes up and my eyes open and my family is different my loving Husband is still there by my side, but both of us wear the scars of loss, Munchkin is under our feet and Cookie is wriggling in my tummy.  letting myself truly love and enjoy this pregnancy leaves me feeling guilty. It is not possible to have the family i have in my dreams.If any of my angels were here then Cookie wouldn't be. and while i love and long for my angel babies,  i love Cookie too. and sometimes this seems to cause feeling i don't know how to put words to,  Some days it still causes me much pain that my family will never be complete anywhere but in my dreams.
It seems that loss and infertility leave a lot of us feeling incomplete.

David's Birthday

Today is the Day that my bubba boy should have been entering the world. Cookie should still be a distant dream. Today i should be counting tiny fingers and toes. and enjoying the smell of a freshly bathed newborn baby. but once again today my arms are empty. Instead of dressing my little boy in the colour of the heavens he is there already. I miss you, David and love you more than you will ever know.  xxoo

How i feel today

I feel that as a mother I failed my babies. They lived in my womb I was their lifeline, and yet when my babies were in trouble, when they were dying I couldn’t help them. I didn’t even know. Nobody wants to die alone it is most people’s worst fear. And yet my little babies died all alone, inside my body. I wanted to see them and hold them and tell them it would be ok. I couldn’t even offer my babies the comfort of a mother’s love when they needed me most. I wanted to tell them that i was Sorry, sorry that I couldn’t give them what they needed.

My body is once again empty and my heart is breaking yet again.
I was on the emergency operations list but right down the bottom so i had to wait 6 hrs by myself in the hospital before they did the surgery. I was a complete mess. they called a social worker for me to talk to. She was nice and understanding, helped me pass 30 mins of time. but ultimately didn't help me feel any better. to make it worse they were doing Cesarean sections that day and every hour or so i could hear the cries of a brand new baby. and i was wishing i was those women and not me. This time i saw the heartbeat and my perfect baby. I prayed so hard for it's life and still it was taken from me.

Feeling a tad lost

Today is one of those days. this morning in that blissful state between sleep and awake i rubbed my tummy, expecting to feel a 21 week bump. of course my tummy was flat and it shocked me.
I try so hard not to count how many weeks pregnant i should be. but my subconscious seems to automatically know. and now i just feel strange, sort of lost. I keep asking myself what this is. its not really a missing feeling, all I have to miss is early pregnancy nausea and going to the toilet every 20 Min's. My belly never got big. I never even felt those butterflies of a little baby swimming while it still has room to move.
And yet the grief is still so intense that when Munchkin is asleep and the house goes quiet, a knot slowly develops in my stomach, till sometimes i cant breathe.
I still feel that my body failed my baby. To not be able to protect your baby when its inside you is an awful feeling. I wonder if my Angel felt any pain as things went wrong for it before it died. I wish i could have given it a cuddle and whisper " shh Mummy's here, everything will be ok. mummy's here, and I love you".

Some days I hate myself so much that i don't know how hubby puts up with me.
I want to move with the rest of the world. 11 weeks have almost passed the ladies at playgroup have forgotten my emotional breakdown when my pain spectacularly erupted, and all was revealed. They are starting to talk babies, pregnancy etc around me. and yet my world still stands still. Enveloped by grief. I am beginning to think that some of these feelings won't go away till I get passed Angel's due date the 5th of Jan and there are no more weeks to count.
like i said feeling a tad lost.