Feeling a tad lost

Today is one of those days. this morning in that blissful state between sleep and awake i rubbed my tummy, expecting to feel a 21 week bump. of course my tummy was flat and it shocked me.
I try so hard not to count how many weeks pregnant i should be. but my subconscious seems to automatically know. and now i just feel strange, sort of lost. I keep asking myself what this is. its not really a missing feeling, all I have to miss is early pregnancy nausea and going to the toilet every 20 Min's. My belly never got big. I never even felt those butterflies of a little baby swimming while it still has room to move.
And yet the grief is still so intense that when Munchkin is asleep and the house goes quiet, a knot slowly develops in my stomach, till sometimes i cant breathe.
I still feel that my body failed my baby. To not be able to protect your baby when its inside you is an awful feeling. I wonder if my Angel felt any pain as things went wrong for it before it died. I wish i could have given it a cuddle and whisper " shh Mummy's here, everything will be ok. mummy's here, and I love you".

Some days I hate myself so much that i don't know how hubby puts up with me.
I want to move with the rest of the world. 11 weeks have almost passed the ladies at playgroup have forgotten my emotional breakdown when my pain spectacularly erupted, and all was revealed. They are starting to talk babies, pregnancy etc around me. and yet my world still stands still. Enveloped by grief. I am beginning to think that some of these feelings won't go away till I get passed Angel's due date the 5th of Jan and there are no more weeks to count.
like i said feeling a tad lost.