A why me? pity party

 Today, a good friend announces she is pregnant with twins. she already has 2 children.
all of her pregnancies are first month of trying.
and while i am thrilled that the babies are healthy and so is she. I must admit i came home from morning tea at her house and had 20 mins of why me tears?
why am i the less than 1% of women that will have 3 or more miscarriages in a row? I know these statistical bullets have to hit someone, but still why me?
Why is it that the feeling of infertility/sub fertility doesn't go away?
Why is it that just thinking about the appointment with the fert doc next Monday has the power to make me feel anxious.
Why even with Cookie here and healthy can't i think of myself as a survivor and not an infertility sufferer.

...I feel better already... everyone needs a pity party occasionally. thanks for comming. sorry i don't have party hats and whistles for everyone. :)

In Detest of Shopping Centres

On Saturday we needing to grab a few things my husband needing a specific DVD for a military ethics assignment plus we needed a few incidentals. I told hubby to take Munchkin and leave me at home. He thought it would be better for me to get out of the house. So along i went.....
NOT GOOD, within 3 minutes i had seen 3 mums to be with  bellies swollen big with life. There were tiny babies in prams crying, mums breastfeeding whilst enjoying a cuppa in the cafe and large families out shopping with misbehaving kids( Everything I want) Its weird how even the negative aspects of parenthood can reduce you to tears.
 I hate feeling this way, I hate not wanting to go out because i can't control when i am going to burst into tears. Hate denying Munchkin her playgroup and paint and play outings just cause i don't want people asking "How are you?" even thinking about how to answer that question has the power to make me cry. and the most scary question of all asked by acquaintances at these children's activities is "So, when are you planning number 2" This question either sends me into panic mode. or makes my blood boil.  Which leaves the acquaintance feeling dumbfounded as i make up a quick excuse to exit conversation eg " Sorry i think munchkin has done a poo" just so i can go and hide and regain control of myself.
I can pinpoint one of the last times i was truly happy and that was Munchkin's first birthday party when i was 6 weeks pregnant with my first Angel baby. I wish i could go back and change things.

No I am not "OK". if you don't like the answer stop asking "how are you?"

(Excuse this post i need to vent)
"How are you?" everyone asks this question. and i mean EVERYONE. Most of my closest friends are still shocked and don't know what to do with my answers to this question, My work friends and colleagues ask it and then are shocked by the answer and don't know what to do. the 14yr old at the checkout at the supermarket asks this question even though he doesn't want an honest answer. people i pass walking their dogs ask this question and they don't want the answer either. NO I'M NOT OK. my hormones are crashing, my belly is crampy, AF is here and its not even a week since i found out my baby died in my body. none of this is OK. there would be something wrong with me if i was OK.
Why do we as a society ask such a personal question when first meeting someone? . Why are we always expected to be 'ok' or "fine thanks"? Why are we expected to lie instead of telling the truth?
 Because I  for one am sick of lying.