progress update.... AF is late but because of the pregnyl injections i'm told i can't POAS till friday at the earliest or it will be positive just because of the pregnyl. Has anyone else used pregnyl for a short luteal phase. And can tell me how long after the injection AF arrived. it's driving me mad. AF has onlt been late 3 times and all 3 i was pregnant although only kept 1. The not knowing is driving me crazy as if i am pregnant they need to watch my progesterone to make sure its high enough to keep it. and i'm worried that not finding out till fri and then not getting bloods done till tues because of the Anzac day public holiday on mon. will mean that if i am pregnant and the pogesterone has started to drop that it will be too late to do anything about it. Like i said its driving me mad!!!!

I had a visit with the miscarriage/fertility doc yesterday and it seems i have been officially pushed into the realm of secondary infertility. turns out my luteal phase is short and i have low progesterone both of these have probaby contributed to my 2 miscarriages. So now i have Pregnyl injections to try and fix it up. fingers crossed it works.

I hope everyone had a nice easter. We had a quiet one. Church in the morning and an easter egg hunt in the backyard after Munchkin's nap. We caught up with some friends for a picnic on easter monday. I made some chickens and nests cup cakes to take along.

I am trying not to focus soely on TTC.  Even though it is at the back of my mind constantly. Munchkin is turning 2 soon and i'm trying to make her party and birthday preparations my focus. I'm due to ovulate over Easter which is annoying as i can't get bloods done  to tell exactly when i'm ovulating. things will have to be left to chance this cycle.

Aunt Flo arrived yesterday. punctual as ever. I am a little disapointed. But i am proud that i resisted the urge to pee on a stick early as seeing 2 lines and then having AF visit would be just as devastating as loosing my angels. At least its only 14 days till we get another shot at it. To all my followers thanks for your wonderfull support on this journey. you definatly help me get through a bad day.

2 week wait

I think i have convinced myself i have pregnancy symptoms. My nose is stuffy ( more due to my cold than my hormones) I think my areola are darker ( but mabey not) and i'm mildly neauseus. ( i think its all in my head though).
Aunt flo is due on sunday. and to make this a little more fun i have a game for us to play... Can everyone please toss a coin for me. Heads she arrives on Sunday and Tales she goes on a 9 month holiday. I'm going first..... Bugger Heads. what did you get? we will decide based on percentage if we get more tales than heads she goes on a holiday.
Thanks for playing.

Bad dreams

I've been having nightmares since my second miscarriage. and i really wish they would go away.
In one of these dreams i hurt myself. i don't understand why i keep having this dream as when i'm awake i don't want to do this. I always wake up before the end of the dream so i don't know how it ends. In one dream i'm pretty sure i would die. but as i wake up i'm not sure.
I really hate these dreams they wake me at night and make me feel really tired. I want to start functioning normally again. my whole focus of just getting through the day isn't working. the light at the end of the tunnell isn't bright enough to motivate me at the moment.  There has to be a way to make this rain cloud over my head go away. I want to see the sun and enjoy its warmth.

2 week wait

My doc thinks i've ovulated, So I guess the 2 week wait is here. All this sex by the book isn't the most fun way to make a baby. How do you girls on a long TTC journey keep the momentum up. this is My first cycle with a fert doc overseeing things. it isn't fun at all.

I'm really missing my Angels lots today.
and i'm praying for the energy to continue this journey.

one of those days

Today is one of those days. A good friend of mine from playgroup has just had her 2nd baby. I am really jelous and feeling a bit down. I really want to be happy for her though. She struggled with infertility for 7 years before her first daughter was born and she was lucky enough to fall naturally with this little bub just born. So i really want to share her joy but i just can't.
and to top it off the bills from this miscarriage management/ fertility doc are starting to roll in. I think i need to do some more shifts at work.

The emotional rollercoaster begins

I have had so many blood tests from this doc its insane.
in the past week she has rung to say i'm ovulating. the next day she rings to tell me she thinks i'm pregnant. (I'm not). and the day after she rings to tell me to expect a big period in the next couple of days. she was only right on the last one. It seems she forgot my last miscarriage was so recent and she thought my beta HCG was on the way up instead of on the way down. Hopefully she will figure out what going on soon. as it has been a week of high emotions.

a tad anxious

Hubby and i went to see the miscarrage management/ fertility/gynacoligist doctor yesterday. She couldn't give us any reasons for the miscarriage. and has ordred lots of blood tests for me. and vitamin suppliments for hubby. she rang today to tell me she thinks i'm about to or have just ovulated. and to go for it if we want.
Am i ready yet? I know i want a large family and that getting pregnant again wont replace my Angels. It could also take a while. it took six months after my first miscarriage. I am just so scared of another miscarriage. But i don't want fear to rule my life and stop me from having what i have always wanted ( a large family and a happy home). I just wish she could tell me why and that it won't happen again. So we are back to that old question that i was asking myself after my first miscarriage "Where to from here?"

I have re made my memorial bracelet. Ironically it broke about 2 weeks before i miscarried again. and i hadn't rushed to remake it as i was looking for a special trinket box for it. now it is back on my wrist instead of tucked away in a little box. In memory of my first angel it has the gold angel wings charm. Garnets for January when it was due, and Pearls for June when i lost it. I added the silver angel wing charm for my second angel. the garnets are also for it as it was lost in Jan. and the green Peritdots are for August when it was to be due. The little flowers on the ceramic beads reminded me of forget me knots.

 A little visabe evidence that my Angels existed, I miss them so much.

Tired

Today I am tired.
 I am tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of not having enough motivation to get through the day. I'm tired of not being the mum I should be to my little girl. I'm tired of not sleeping properly. I'm tired of my reoccuring nightmare. I'm tired of the effect this is having on my marriage and how much effort it is to stay connected to my wonderful Hubby. And the thought of trying again makes me tired.
I am just plain tired and need a break, but the world keeps on turning and life keeps on going.

It feels as if the whole world is pregnant except me. Women friends around me have either just welcomed a new arrival, are about to drop, or are announcing they are pregnant. So i smile and say congratulations. But i wonder how may of those announcing that they are pregnant are aware of the cold hard truth that I am aware of and that my miscarriage blogging followers are also aware of. Just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you get to keep your baby. But, by the twinkle in their eyes I think these women are blissfully unaware of the truth and i truly hope they stay that way. I am just so insanly jelous of them. I have wanted to give my munchkin a brother or a sister for almost a year now.  And to have come so close twice. Only to have the hand of God reach into my womb and rip the life from within me is devastating.

This evening when I told Munchkin it was time for a bath, she got so excitied that she ran full speed into the corner of a sliding door. She hit her head hard enough for the door to cut into her head a little and for it to swell up instantly. I think i felt my heart stop when i heard the thud of her hittting it. and the seconds before she started crying felt like minutes. For a brief second all that ran through my head was "please God, don't let anything happen to my little girl." I wanted to take her to the Dr but my Hubby thinks i'm over reacting. she cheered up and was playing again 10 mins later. So now I am up checking her every hour to make sure she doesn't have concussion. She is not impressed at being disturbed every hour. But the egg on her head is concerning me. I think another sleepless night lies ahead for me.

My Angel,
It is two weeks since i found out you were not going to be mine to hold.
My whole body still aches for you immensly. I don't understand what made you have to go.
But i pray that you are in a better place, and i'm grateful that you won't have to experience the pain that this earth can bring us. Please remember your mummy, my angel. because i will never forget you.

Maintaining normality

Today Munchkin and i went to 'paint and play' in the park. I need to try and maintain some sort of normal. As this miscarriage is affecting her a lot. She sees how sad I am and doesn't know why. Its making my usually confident toddler, clingy and she cries a lot now, not just a grizzle but a heart wrenching cry. So for her sake out we went. there were two friends from playgroup there. I summoned up the courage to tell them that i had miscarried. They said how sorry they were and asked if there was anythng they could do. but 20 mins later  they were back to talking abut when they want their next baby etc. so I had to leave. I don't want them to be unhappy just because i am. Who wants to think about miscarriage when you are trying for another baby.

Today I hate my body for letting my babies die. I hate it so much i wish i could throw my body in the fires of Hell.

I may be rushing things.

Today I went back to work. ( I am a nurse) all this was in an 8hr shift:-
I had a terrible shift.
One elderly lady died on me. And whilst it was expected, and it was a calm, peaceful passing with her family present, I found helping another family through the initial hours of their grief hard.
I had a very unwell man whom was having 3 units of blood plus other stuff.
I had one poor confused gentleman who kept trying to climb out of bed. he was too ill to stand and i was worried he would fall and hurt himself.
As well as 4 other patients requiring more care than i had time to give them.
Whilst also expecting a patient from theatre whose family were in the waiting room. she ended up going to a different ward and I wasn't told so her family endured hours of unnecessary worry waiting for her to return from theatre ( this i feel terrible about)
it was one of those shifts where as a nurse i feel i could have done more for my patients and i hate that feeling.
I'm unsure if I'm ready to return to work. I'm a bit of a mess. but we will see what tomorrow brings.