Holiday Time

Tomorrow we go on a much needed Holiday. Munchkin, Hubby and I are off to tropical north Queensland. I had thought this could be a baby making holiday. but i am no where near ready for TTC again yet. So there will be no BBT monitoring or icky fertility meds on holiday. and Hubby will use protection ( i don't think he is pleased with this bit) but at least we can enjoy ourselves without the stress of am i or am i not pregnant. since i will ovulate at the start of our holiday.
So with TTC off the agenda I can eat as much seafood, oysters, good coffee, soft cheese and deli meat as i like. and enjoy wine  with hubby after munchkin is in bed. ( this does sound Goood doesn't it :) )
Munchkin is excited about a " emmaplane" ride. My cousin P.e.r.r.y is taking us to the airport and munchkin is just as excited about seeing " anty Peffy " as she is about the aeroplane ride. So i will update with holiday snaps and news in about 2 weeks. hopefully this holiday will shake my bad mood away.
 take care all

not too sure where to start this post so bear with me, I had the hysteroscopy done and it looked normal, they also did another Currette and sent it off for analysis. it showed ' retained product'( although they didn't see it on the camera) and I'm still waiting on the endometrial NK cell test and other immunological testing to come back from it. So still no answers.
I still feel incredibly hollow daily activities seem to have no meaning or emotion attached. it is very much still a case of 'faking it'  fake smiles and emotion are portrayed to everyone including Munchkin. Even when she gives me a big bear hug i don't seem to feel its warmth. it seems when the grim reaper took David he also took much more. Sorry can't write any more.

It is  6 weeks since David became an angel. And it seems that that mysterious amount of time has passed, My friends no longer want to hear about my loss when they ask how I am and i answer honestly. One friend actually rolled her eyes at me the other day. Babies for her are easy. And i don’t want her to understand the way this feels. I just need a bit of understanding that some days are still really hard for me. It seems it is time to grieve in private and isolation.

A proper name

Jellybean has a proper name. And his name is David. This is not one of the original names we had picked. we chose it for its meaning, Beloved. I feel so terrible that i lost little David. Hubby has always wanted a son. And while he says it couldn’t be helped and is ok. I don’t feel like it’s ok. I want to give my husband a son!
I WANT DAVID!!!

Jellybean

The results from jellybeans genetic test are in. Jellybean was a little boy and genetically normal.
This news makes me so sad. mainly because i couldn't give my normal little boy what he needed most, a chance at life.

KAREN TAYLOR-GOOD 'PRECIOUS CHILD'

For every Mummy and Daddy missing an Angel.

not much

Hi all, not much is happening here. I am still missing all my little angels like mad but the feelings themselves haven't changed from my first and second miscarriage so i haven't been blogging as much this time. I'm feeling like I'm on a horrid merry go round and am struggling to find the way off. I am getting through the weekly routine, days pass, and the world turns  but i feel like my world doesn't. I'll update again when i have something new, or need to vent.

a lullaby for my angels

Every night ,since Munchkin was born i have sung her the same 2 lullaby's. But last night i sung them just for my angels (especially Peanut). here are the lyrics.

Brahm's Lullaby

lullaby and goodnight
may sleep softly surround you
while your dreams, fill your eyes
with the melody of love
may the moonlight embrace you
the starlight caress you
may the sunlight still sing you
this lullaby of love.

Baby Mine

baby mine, don't you cry
baby mine, dry your eyes
rest your head close to my heart
never to part, baby of mine

little one when you play
don't you mind what they say
let those eyes sparkle and shine
never a tear, baby of mine

From your head to your toes
your so sweet, goodness knows
you are so precious to me
 cute as can be, baby of mine

Peanut's birthday

My darling Peanut,
                     Today is the day that was supposed to be your birthday. The day i would work really hard to bring you into the world. And then whisper in your ear as you lay sleeping in my arms " you were worth every second sweetheart". But today my arms are empty. I watched the dawn break today. I was hoping to see the sunrise but it was cloudy and windy with a forecast of snow for the brindabella mountains. I lit a candle for your life today. it was lit before dawn in the dark and it is still burning as i write this to you.
I love you my darling.....wishing you were here
Mummy

How i feel today

I feel that as a mother I failed my babies. They lived in my womb I was their lifeline, and yet when my babies were in trouble, when they were dying I couldn’t help them. I didn’t even know. Nobody wants to die alone it is most people’s worst fear. And yet my little babies died all alone, inside my body. I wanted to see them and hold them and tell them it would be ok. I couldn’t even offer my babies the comfort of a mother’s love when they needed me most. I wanted to tell them that i was Sorry, sorry that I couldn’t give them what they needed.

Homework for my Counsellor my Angel's names.

Last weeks homework was to write down my anger. it helped after not knowing where to start i filled 3 A4 pages of type. this week is negative thoughts but She keeps asking me if it would help to name my Angels and while they don't have proper names all  of my 'baby bumps' had a name I just handn't felt able to share them with you before. So before i share them with her next week i thought I'd share them with all of you. here is an exert from this weeks Homework:-

"You have asked me at both our chats whether I have named my Angel babies. And the answer is no I haven’t given them a proper name not one that they should have been christened with.  But all of my baby ‘bumps’ had a name even before they grew big enough to be a bump. Munchkin when she was in my belly was ‘Junior’. It was actually a surprise when she came out as she wasn’t what I expected my ‘Juniour’ to be. My first Angel was ‘Sparticus’ Hubby named this bump as he said junior kicked like a Spartan warrior. And we both thought this one would be the same. Sadly I never got to feel a good kick in the diaphragm from my little Sparticus. Hubby didn’t want to name the next bumps so early he wanted to wait till after the 12 week scan. But i secretly still named them. My second little Angel was “Peanut” and the 16th of August is Peanut’s due date. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant with Peanut when it was Sparticus’s due date. And it helped to ease the pain of this day as there was life in my body again. I thought I had already taken the statistical bullet and that lightning wouldn’t strike twice. But strike it did.
My latest little Angel is ‘Jellybean’ and while my time with Jellybean was full of anxiety( about the food I ate, and environmental Chemicals and hazards I didn’t garden at all because i was scared of bacteria in the soil harming jellybean. My poor cat George thought he had been disowned i didn’t pat him once). I still had hope that Jellybean would be mine to hold. I was having hormone monitoring and regular ultrasounds I was sure that Nikki ( fert Doc) would find any problem and that we could treat it. But Jellybean became an angel and now i don't know where to find hope."

another week

Another week has passed since i said goodbye to my latest little angel. I am trying so hard to return to normality. i went back to work, I took Munchkin to paint and play. The whole thing of faking it till you make it is leaving a hollowness inside again. I wonder if Munchkin knows I'm still sad even though i haven't cried in front of her in a week. I know she likes having her play dates again so for her sake i soldier on. but i can't help but wonder what happens when the tank runs dry?

Back at work ( mabey a tad too soon)

I have been back at work the last 3 days ( we need the money). I thought i was ready. ( apart from my immediate boss no one knows) and if i was just doing my work i was OK. but then things would happen and i would fall to pieces. like today when i went to send a blood gas to pathology. i was standing at the pneumatic tube ( which is right next to the main operating room doors) and i suddenly heard the cries of a bran newborn baby. obviously just delivered by C- section. I was a mess in a microsecond luckily the tube is in an alcove of the corridor and i could turn around and no one saw me in tears. it was a struggle to calm my self and get back to work i had 2 high dependency Pt's to look after so i couldn't be away for more than 5 mins. This is such a hard journey at the moment. 

A Quick Update

I had an appointment with a Psychologist yesterday. My GP's phone call must have made all the difference. It wasn't as scary as i had thought. Faye is nice and has her own story of infertility too. She has had one child. and then developed secondary infertility and couldn't have any more. Since i think she is in her early 60's Her options were probably more limited than mine.
I spent most of our hour in tears. she has given me some strategies to help me sleep but i think i need more practice at them. and she thinks I'm angry and my homework this week is to " Get my anger out" on paper and hand it in next Thurs. I don't quite know where to start at the moment.

isolation

When i had my first miscarriage all of my family knew. i had shared the news that i was pregnant and i didn't expect the hurtful comments and lack of support that followed from my own family. So i didn't tell anyone when i fell pregnant again.When i miscarried again it was only those who read my blog that knew. i am truly grateful for the blogging world. With the loss of another of my babies becoming an angel. i decided to share it with a few close friends that i thought would understand. When i first told them. they all said how sorry they were and said if there was anything they could do to let them know. I was talking to one friend on facebook on Monday ( she lives 5 mins from my house) and once again she asked if there was anything she could do. I asked if it would be alright if i popped in for a cuppa and a chat instead of impersonally chatting on facebook. she hesitated but said yes so Munchkin and i went around. when i got there it was clear she was uncomfortable. she changed the topic of conversation quickly at any pauses so as not to discuss my miscarriage. and today i had arranged to meet up with another friend, (Munchkin and her little girl are best friends). but she has cancelled on me without an excuse. No one wants to be around me at the moment. i admit I'm not good company. I could just do with a bit of support right now.
A few months ago my hubby lost a good friend to cancer. the outpouring of support at the funeral and wake was overwhelming. He was the topic of conversation as everyone shared memories. nobody expected his family to be 'ok'  tears flowed freely and were understood by everyone.
How different it is when a baby is miscarried. I am expected to be OK  and functional ( I am not) even hubby i think is getting frustrated at the state of our house at the moment.
Miscarriage is truly an isolating experience.

update

I saw my GP yesterday and got a referral to a bulk billing psychologist but the waiting list at this clinic is 8 weeks long! I'm going to be flipping mental in 8 weeks.  My GP has called them to try to hurry things along. but she couldn't do much. I am on some sort of cancellation list but even then its still about a month.
once again feeling as if the medical profession is failing me.

In Detest of Shopping Centres

On Saturday we needing to grab a few things my husband needing a specific DVD for a military ethics assignment plus we needed a few incidentals. I told hubby to take Munchkin and leave me at home. He thought it would be better for me to get out of the house. So along i went.....
NOT GOOD, within 3 minutes i had seen 3 mums to be with  bellies swollen big with life. There were tiny babies in prams crying, mums breastfeeding whilst enjoying a cuppa in the cafe and large families out shopping with misbehaving kids( Everything I want) Its weird how even the negative aspects of parenthood can reduce you to tears.
 I hate feeling this way, I hate not wanting to go out because i can't control when i am going to burst into tears. Hate denying Munchkin her playgroup and paint and play outings just cause i don't want people asking "How are you?" even thinking about how to answer that question has the power to make me cry. and the most scary question of all asked by acquaintances at these children's activities is "So, when are you planning number 2" This question either sends me into panic mode. or makes my blood boil.  Which leaves the acquaintance feeling dumbfounded as i make up a quick excuse to exit conversation eg " Sorry i think munchkin has done a poo" just so i can go and hide and regain control of myself.
I can pinpoint one of the last times i was truly happy and that was Munchkin's first birthday party when i was 6 weeks pregnant with my first Angel baby. I wish i could go back and change things.

Miscarriage through Munchkins eyes

12 months ago, my little girl was extremely outgoing. Today She is shy, introverted,clingy and defiantly a Mummy's girl. What Happened? between the ages of 14months and 2and 2months she has watched her Mummy go through 3 miscarriages. Even though i never told her about the pregnancies or miscarriages she has suffered and like her mummy and daddy is now changed. This one has been rough on her already.
I cannot put on the same clothes as what i was wearing on the day i had the ultrasound that confirmed my miscarriage. if i do Munchkin starts saying over and over " No Mummy Cry, No Mummy Cry" and "Take Jacket Off". When i told her we were going to see Nicki ( my fert Doc) last wed, and that she could play with the train there.  She instantly got very upset and started saying " No Niki, No Mummy Cry". and she plays with her toys differently too. she puts her little people in the car drives them to the " big house" ( which is what munchkin calls the hospital) drops off the mummy doll saying " Mummy sick mummy cry" and then takes the other dolls shopping which is what my hubby does with her while i am having the D&C.
She is waking at night again for no reason other than she wants a cuddle. and she is my constant shadow.
It is so hard to watch your child suffer through something they don't understand.

Where to form here?

I thought a post was in order on whats going on now.
I saw my Fertility doc again last wed. at first i thought she didn't want to do any further testing. but I've talked her into doing genetic karyotyping on hubby and i as well as what was sent off from bub. she has given me a referral for a hysterscoppy and uterine natural killer cell test. which will have to wait till about 6 weeks after my D&C to do to let everything settle down. When we are ready ti start TTC we have more progesterone treatment they are putting me on a low dose steroid. and when i fall pregnant again I have to take anti clotting needles. Hubby and i aren't trying again until we have the results from the testing. even though i know that your fertility increases that first cycle after a miscarriage. and my fertility doc says there is no reason to wait if you don't want to.  OK so that's the game plan.
Here is what i didn't like from our meeting. My fertility doc has openly said that the treatment for recurrent miscarriage is "all voodoo" and yes she used those words. it only works on a very small percentage of people undergoing treatment. and for the rest it does nothing. And on those that it does work on they don't know why. Why miscarriages and recurrent miscarriages occur is a hugely under researched area. the other thing i didn't like about our meeting is that i think she has put me in the too hard basket. when she came out to call in another pt. she picked up a file looked at it and said to the girl at the desk " this one is too hard I'll see this one first" and put the file down picked up another one and called a couple into her office. when this couple came out she picked up that original file and called my husband and i into the office. I don't want to be in the "Too hard" basket. i want to know why my Angels died and i want more Children. I used to feel a glimmer of hope and my Fertility Docs office. When i walked in on Wednesday the air felt heavy and all i could feel was death.

Love

My newest little Angel,
I loved you the moment you formed in my belly, I love you now, and I'll love you always. Missing you so much, and thinking of you constantly. May the angels look after you now. Sweet dreams my darling.
Mummy xxoo