Why is it they my head won't let me sleep at night but as soon as the sun is up all i want to do is hide under the covers and forget that the world exists.

Mother of 4

I always wanted 4 kids. Never in my wildest dreams did i expect that after 4 pregnancies there would be only one pair of little feet on my floor and three pairs of tiny angel wings fluttering in heaven.
it is breaking my already shattered heart all over again.

insomnia returns

its 0230am. I went to bed at 930pm but when i was still awake after 1am i decided to get up and have a warm milk. my head keeps going over and over every tiny detail of  the last three months with one question at the front WHY???.

My body feels empty.... Oh so empty.

A Traumatic Day

I always find the day i have the D&C really traumatic. I am in tears constantly. My first experience with a general anaesthetic was terrible so i am always scared stiff of another horror tale and get really worked up.So far later experiences have been OK but it doesn't stop the fear. And i don't wake up well from generals either. Especially if its a D&C. Today i woke up in pain, dry retching, hyperventilating and screaming for my baby. To top it off the recovery room nurse was horrid.  she kept telling me to lie on my back. but i thought i was going to spew and kept trying to sit up. then after giving me some pain medication ( not enough) She said i couldn't have any more. even though i still had a horrid cramping pain in my belly. And she kept telling me to calm down as i was crying hysterically. I was still really groggy and dopey and i didn't understand half of what she wanted me to do at the time. all i knew was that i was in pain, about to be sick and desperately missing the little baby that had just been scraped out of my womb.
 Believe me if i could have calmed down i would have i had completely lost the plot. then after my hour in recovery was up she tersely said "I'm taking you to the other room" which was the day surgery post op ward. the staff here were lovely they got me a hot pack for my belly, more pain relief, a cup of tea and told me to cry if i needed to. Some nurses really need to quit their jobs. I hope i never treat any patient of mine how i was treated in that first hour of consciousness.

Complete and utter devastation

Today i had my follow up ultrasound there is no heartbeat and not blood flow to the baby. The baby measured 8wks 6days it all stopped a day after my last ultrasound when it had a heartbeat of 176.
 I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow. they are taking a sample for genetic testing this time. I am gutted. i have been here twice before and thought it might get easier. IT DOESN'T.

My progesterone levels dropped this week. So i have started the progesterone pessaries. Out of curiosity i looked them up in the computer database at work last night ( I am a nurse) and it turns out that when started after week 8 of pregnancy they can cause birth defects. So now i am insanely scared. and my Dr isn't back from her overseas trip till Monday. I tried my GP for more info but she couldn't help me. And even the Staff at my Dr's haven't been answering the phone this week.  It feels like a long way till Wednesday when i have my next ultrasound.

Progesterone level today is 81 which is good, down again from last time but still above 60 so i don't have to start the pessaries yet. I hate feeling this worried all the time i really want to keep this liitle one.

A little bit of good news

I went to pick up the official report from mondays ultrasound today. and it isn't as bad as the silly sonographer made out. Turns out bub was 8wk5days not 8&3 like she said. bub is 20.2mm long. this means we now only have a descrepency of one day from the first scan where bub was 4 days behind to now at 5 days behind. I am not so petrified that everything is on the way out now. There is hope and a lot of prayers.
Silly sonographers like her cause a lot of unnecessary worry. but at least i should sleep soundly tonight.

U/S #2 the good and the bad

I'll start with the good first: bub still has a heartbeat 176 which is good, there is no blood in my uterus which is good and my progesterone level yesterday was 92 up from 74 which is good.
and now to the not so good bub is further behind in growth. at the first scan at 7wk 5 days bub was 7wk 1 day 4 days behind. yesterday at 9wks 3 days bub was only 8wks 3 days a full week behind.  and this has me scared stiff and the actual number is just scary my second angel stopped at growing at  8 wks 3days. I really want to keep this baby. next ultra sound is the 14th july and i'm counting down the microseconds praying really hard  that bub is growing.

Progesterone today 74 YAY!!! its going up again. i am very relieved. cant wait to see bub again on monday my fingers and toes are crossed that it still has a heartbeat. I looked up foods that are high in progesterone and eggs and tumuric have a bit. so i have been eating curried egg for lunch all week. I'll turn in to a curried egg before too long.

The ultrasound went well. bub has a heartbeat of 120bpm. it is measuring 4 days behind dates which is concerning me a little.  Betas today were greater than 225,000 and progesterone was 66. the progesterone has me worried as on last tues it was 75. i have more bloods on thurs. if it drops below 60 i start the progesterone pessaries. and my doc tells me the danger zone is below 30. I have another scan on monday and i'm counting the seconds. both my angels hit trouble in week 8 and i am scared stiff this week.

Beta's today were 124,000 and progesterone is 75 it is finally starting to go up instead of down yay! I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. Tomorrow is also the one year mark since my first miscarriage. so i have lots of mixed emotions about tomorrow. My doc is also cranky that i haven't booked in to the hospital to have the baby. It sounds silly but i'm scared i'll jinx it. and cancelling the appointments with the midwives after my miscarriages was one of the hardest things i had to do.So i have been putting it off. I really hpoe i get to see a good heartbeat tomorrow.
        On other things this week has been a rather sad one A good friend of ours lost their battle with cancer this week. So we are taking a 5 hour trip tomorrow to attend the funeral on thurs. Young people's funerals are always so Sad. I will be glad to see some of our old friends, but i would far rather be meeting them on happeir circumstances.

Beta's today are 34454 and progesterone is 72 which has got me a little freaked as it is still going down. my doc is happy with anything above 40. but all i can see is the numbers going down first it was 91,89,83and now 72. i really don't want this trend to continue. I am due another set of bloods on next tues and then a scan on wed. and i see my doc on wed too. i really want to keep this baby.  Prayers please everyone.

Beta's this morning were 8000 and progesterone was 83 which my doctor says is good. but i am worried that it is lower than the 89 of last week. being pregnant afer miscarriages is such a worrying experience. all the excited expectation is gone and if i dare to daydream of what could be in 9 months time. i scold myself with things like "don't think that yet it could all come crashing down". I really hope i get to hear this baby cry.

the real deal???????

my betas were 518 yesterday which in in range for 4-5 weeks (4wks 2 days) and my progesterone was 89 which is good. So i guess this could be the real deal. next betas/progesterone are on monday. I am really hoping that we can cellar the bottle of Green ginger wine for 8 months.
I am so happy to have another shot at another baby, I am so terrified of what i now have to loose and whether i can cope with another miscarriage. and being pregnant again makes me miss my angels like mad. My second angel should not have been and this pregnancy shouldn't be either because i should have a 4 month old. but reality sucks sometimes, and unfortunatly we have no choice but to live with reality.
Prayers please everyone.

Progress update

It seems Mr Murphy has been a little tempted Aunt Flo is a day late. I peed on a stick this am and it was positive. So now i'm off to get bloods done to see if its a chemical pregnancy or the real deal.
For those of you that read my blog that are also my friends in the real world. please keep this a secret. if it is the real deal i'm not announcing it to the general public till after the 12 week scan.
Fingers crossed everyone.

Today i'm half way through the dreaded 2ww. Hubby and i have convinced ourselves it won't work he has even gone and bought a bottle of green ginger wine ( we haven't had it before and thought it sounded interesting) to share with AF when she arrives. i'm secrety hoping it will tempt murphy's law enough to keep her away.

Progress Update

Sorry for the delay in this post i haven't had a spare moment to update untill now.
Aunt flow paid a belated visit. she took a detour it turns out i had a chemical pregnancy. I'm unsure as to whether it was caused by the Pregnyl injections or not. i had positive betas but they only got to 30 instead of 200 and then started to go down. I had to take progesterone pessaries just in case it was the real deal but AF arrived anyway. So i'm feeling pretty diaspointed and a tad cross that it has delayed this cycle. i'm just trying to put it behind me and get back on the horse.  it feels like i was just being teased with the idea of being pregnant, to have it fizzle in my face.

Munchkin is 2

My beautiful little girl is 2 we have been surrounded by family and friends and she had a great party with a treasure hunt. I have been reflecting on how i had just found out i was pregnant with my first angel on her first birthday party day. and i'm not pregnant now. for me it was a day of mixed emotion. But munchkin loved every second of the festivities so all the effort of putting on her party whilst feeling a tad blue was worth it. I made her a Jemima puddle duck birthday cake.