The emotional rollercoaster begins

I have had so many blood tests from this doc its insane.
in the past week she has rung to say i'm ovulating. the next day she rings to tell me she thinks i'm pregnant. (I'm not). and the day after she rings to tell me to expect a big period in the next couple of days. she was only right on the last one. It seems she forgot my last miscarriage was so recent and she thought my beta HCG was on the way up instead of on the way down. Hopefully she will figure out what going on soon. as it has been a week of high emotions.

a tad anxious

Hubby and i went to see the miscarrage management/ fertility/gynacoligist doctor yesterday. She couldn't give us any reasons for the miscarriage. and has ordred lots of blood tests for me. and vitamin suppliments for hubby. she rang today to tell me she thinks i'm about to or have just ovulated. and to go for it if we want.
Am i ready yet? I know i want a large family and that getting pregnant again wont replace my Angels. It could also take a while. it took six months after my first miscarriage. I am just so scared of another miscarriage. But i don't want fear to rule my life and stop me from having what i have always wanted ( a large family and a happy home). I just wish she could tell me why and that it won't happen again. So we are back to that old question that i was asking myself after my first miscarriage "Where to from here?"

I have re made my memorial bracelet. Ironically it broke about 2 weeks before i miscarried again. and i hadn't rushed to remake it as i was looking for a special trinket box for it. now it is back on my wrist instead of tucked away in a little box. In memory of my first angel it has the gold angel wings charm. Garnets for January when it was due, and Pearls for June when i lost it. I added the silver angel wing charm for my second angel. the garnets are also for it as it was lost in Jan. and the green Peritdots are for August when it was to be due. The little flowers on the ceramic beads reminded me of forget me knots.

 A little visabe evidence that my Angels existed, I miss them so much.

Tired

Today I am tired.
 I am tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of not having enough motivation to get through the day. I'm tired of not being the mum I should be to my little girl. I'm tired of not sleeping properly. I'm tired of my reoccuring nightmare. I'm tired of the effect this is having on my marriage and how much effort it is to stay connected to my wonderful Hubby. And the thought of trying again makes me tired.
I am just plain tired and need a break, but the world keeps on turning and life keeps on going.

It feels as if the whole world is pregnant except me. Women friends around me have either just welcomed a new arrival, are about to drop, or are announcing they are pregnant. So i smile and say congratulations. But i wonder how may of those announcing that they are pregnant are aware of the cold hard truth that I am aware of and that my miscarriage blogging followers are also aware of. Just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you get to keep your baby. But, by the twinkle in their eyes I think these women are blissfully unaware of the truth and i truly hope they stay that way. I am just so insanly jelous of them. I have wanted to give my munchkin a brother or a sister for almost a year now.  And to have come so close twice. Only to have the hand of God reach into my womb and rip the life from within me is devastating.

This evening when I told Munchkin it was time for a bath, she got so excitied that she ran full speed into the corner of a sliding door. She hit her head hard enough for the door to cut into her head a little and for it to swell up instantly. I think i felt my heart stop when i heard the thud of her hittting it. and the seconds before she started crying felt like minutes. For a brief second all that ran through my head was "please God, don't let anything happen to my little girl." I wanted to take her to the Dr but my Hubby thinks i'm over reacting. she cheered up and was playing again 10 mins later. So now I am up checking her every hour to make sure she doesn't have concussion. She is not impressed at being disturbed every hour. But the egg on her head is concerning me. I think another sleepless night lies ahead for me.

My Angel,
It is two weeks since i found out you were not going to be mine to hold.
My whole body still aches for you immensly. I don't understand what made you have to go.
But i pray that you are in a better place, and i'm grateful that you won't have to experience the pain that this earth can bring us. Please remember your mummy, my angel. because i will never forget you.

Maintaining normality

Today Munchkin and i went to 'paint and play' in the park. I need to try and maintain some sort of normal. As this miscarriage is affecting her a lot. She sees how sad I am and doesn't know why. Its making my usually confident toddler, clingy and she cries a lot now, not just a grizzle but a heart wrenching cry. So for her sake out we went. there were two friends from playgroup there. I summoned up the courage to tell them that i had miscarried. They said how sorry they were and asked if there was anythng they could do. but 20 mins later  they were back to talking abut when they want their next baby etc. so I had to leave. I don't want them to be unhappy just because i am. Who wants to think about miscarriage when you are trying for another baby.

Today I hate my body for letting my babies die. I hate it so much i wish i could throw my body in the fires of Hell.

I may be rushing things.

Today I went back to work. ( I am a nurse) all this was in an 8hr shift:-
I had a terrible shift.
One elderly lady died on me. And whilst it was expected, and it was a calm, peaceful passing with her family present, I found helping another family through the initial hours of their grief hard.
I had a very unwell man whom was having 3 units of blood plus other stuff.
I had one poor confused gentleman who kept trying to climb out of bed. he was too ill to stand and i was worried he would fall and hurt himself.
As well as 4 other patients requiring more care than i had time to give them.
Whilst also expecting a patient from theatre whose family were in the waiting room. she ended up going to a different ward and I wasn't told so her family endured hours of unnecessary worry waiting for her to return from theatre ( this i feel terrible about)
it was one of those shifts where as a nurse i feel i could have done more for my patients and i hate that feeling.
I'm unsure if I'm ready to return to work. I'm a bit of a mess. but we will see what tomorrow brings.

bumpy road

Today I summoned up the courage to take Munchkin to her swimming lesson. it is a magnet for pregnant women and tiny babies sleeping in prams. It reminds me of just how much i want a large family, and makes me miss my angels intensely. But i managed to hold it together for the 1/2 hour lesson. even if only to come to pieces in the car. travelling this road that Grief has laid out for me is like trying to go 4 wheel driving in my tiny barina. the road is rough and the bumps feel like mountains.

Today i am doing my best, and praying that it is enough.
I am trying to maintain routine for Munchkin. we ventured to the park down the street this morning. The short walk was good. But as soon as we got to the park (there was mums and kids and laughter. )I felt like a Vampire in the sun my body was screaming at me to go home and find a dark corner to hide in. But we stayed for a little bit so Munchkin could swing on the swings and go down the slide.
I pray that it is enough.

what to do with hurtful comments?

It is comments like these that make me not tell people I'm pregnant till after 12 weeks.
A friend of mine whose hubby is also in the defence force called out of the blue. she has had trouble with fertility. Tried for 3 yrs for her first who is an IVF baby. and is pregnant with her second who she had two near miscarriages with. I know she saw the same doctor that i have just been referred to so i asked her if she was any good. she got suspicious ( thinking i was pregnant and hadn't told her.) So i said i had just miscarried again( she knew about the first one). she said " life happens and you've got to stop being blue about it". hurtful comments like these are why women don't talk openly about miscarriage. My angel babies were wanted and are very much loved. I will always miss them.

Words for my Angels in Heaven

There are so many things that i wanted for you
I wanted to dress you in outfits of pink or blue
and give you a name that is special, just for you.
I wanted to sing to you sweetly as you fall asleep
and count the freckles upon your cheeks.
I wanted to watch you grow up big and tall
and kiss it all better when you fall.
I didn't want you to be gone so soon
I already love you up to the moon
I pray that you are safe and felt no pain
and that one day we will meet in a place filled with Sunshine, not rain.

So precious babes, please know this to be true Mummy really, really loves you.

I am up. ( if you call getting up moving from the bed to the couch) and munchkin has food in her belly. Today I think that's enough. mind you she is outside with no clothes on cause I don't have the energy to dress her and put a nappy on her ( she thinks its fantastic).
I need to get out of this hole. I have work on Saturday.

I feel like @#!$ today. Its 7:30 in the morning and I haven't had much sleep. I can hear Munchkin is awake in her cot. but i just don't have the energy to go and get her and start the day. I'm such a terrible mum right now.

I am finding things hard today. I thought i had some idea of what i was in for, thought i had been through it before and would recognise the feelings. I am wrong. Last time i cried enough to break the drought. And i thought i knew what the pits of despair were. this time I am crying very little ( in comparison) but i feel worse within myself. I am completely unmotivated, have spent most of the day on the couch watching terrible TV. and i have a hideous hollow feeling inside me. and sleep even with sleeping pills is impossible.
I just don't know what to do.

I hate this!

I have just finished cancelling my 12 week scan and appointments with the midwives.
this just sucks. I am so devastated

Feeling isolated

I was thinking in the wee small hours of the morning how my husband is handling this better than me and seemed to last time as well. I was actually feeling a tad jealous. Until i read a blog this morning that said something like there is an unwritten rule in marriages that says that both people can't fall apart at the same time. Whoever perceives themselves to be the least sad swallows their grief to keep dinner on the table etc. This can leave the other member feeling a tad isolated and confused. How true. My hubby is being strong for me and he was last time too. I love him so much and hope he realises it.