Knitting for Cookie

this is Cookie's coming home outfit, knitted by me. just don't look too close at the embroidery, I had never attempted to embroider before, but i am happy with the result. I knitted a simpler one for Munchkin when i was pregnant with her. Its a 0000 pattern I like having one tiny outfit to remind me of just how small they once were.

37 weeks

Its 37 weeks and i really want Cookie in my arms and pink and healthy. My belly is causing me trouble sleeping ( along with my bladder). and my pelvis is sore. I would really like Cookie to make her appearance in the next 2 weeks. Munchkin was 2 weeks late ( 3weeks from my dates)  and those weeks after the due date were some of the longest and most uncomfortable weeks I have experienced.
does anyone have any ways to safely give Cookie the Hurry up message? One thing i do need to do is take a photo of my belly I have some video of cookie moving inside my belly but no photos.

a little muddled

Sorry for the lack of meaningful posts lately, my head is all muddled up. Last Thursday marked one year since we found out our little jellybean was an angel. and some days I'd still give anything to be able to turn back the clock and have my angels with me. Which makes me feel terrible cause i do really love and want Cookie. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to what pregnancy should be. The baby car seats are still in the Garage. i don't want them in the cars until Cookie is safely here. Everything is washed but Cookies room still looks like the guest room and not a nursery. and the excited " my baby will be here soon" feeling that i had with munchkin is simply not there. I am really worried about something going wrong during the birth. which i know isn't good for natural labour as stress hormones can stop things progressing smoothly, a mum needs to feel safe and supported for a smooth labour.  All I feel is stress and worry. I just want Cookie safely in my arms pink and healthy, so maybe then i can relax.

34 week scan

Scan went well. Cookie is head down and it looks like the Placenta is out of the way. I see the obstetrician next wed for the final green light but it looks good :)

still here

Hi just a quick post to let you know that Cookie and I are still here. I have a scan tomorrow to check that Cookie has turned and that my placenta has stretched far enough away to allow a natural delivery fingers crossed everyone.

Two years ago today

For my first little angel Sparticus,
 I miss you a lot today and always, it was two years ago that i found out you were not going to be mine to hold. Even though i have your sister wriggling in me now,  there will always be a little bit of my heart that belongs just to you. A mothers love never forgets.
I will see and hold you one day my darling
mummy xxoo

untilted

I am now 30 weeks, and I am so grateful; to have made it this far. I hope the next 10 weeks are smooth sailing. My last midwife visit was good I passed the glucose test so no diabetes and my blood pressure is good. the only slightly negative thing is that Cookie hasn't turned yet. I know there is still time I just wonder whether the low placenta is preventing Cookie from turning. I have a scan at 34 weeks to check the placental position  to see if i can deliver naturally. so i haven't been standing on my head yet as there is probably not too much point trying to turn the baby before i am told that i can deliver naturally. I really don't want a C section though. so lots of prayers that the placenta has stretched out of the way and that Cookie is head down at the 34 week scan.

Tomorrow is 2 years since i lost our first angel, Sparticus and was plunged into a world of recurrent pregnancy loss. I truly hope that I am now leaving that dark place but i still get very anxious about anything going wrong from here in. I really hope that my arms are filled in august with the sleepy weight of a healthy newborn.  Some days i still find it hard to believe that Cookie is healthy and wriggling in my belly.

To live in dream land

In my dreams my family is complete, I have my loving husband by my side and five beautiful children under my feet. I can touch, hug and laugh with them, I can comfort and rock them all to sleep. In my dreams I can watch all of them grow. 
But then the sun comes up and my eyes open and my family is different my loving Husband is still there by my side, but both of us wear the scars of loss, Munchkin is under our feet and Cookie is wriggling in my tummy.  letting myself truly love and enjoy this pregnancy leaves me feeling guilty. It is not possible to have the family i have in my dreams.If any of my angels were here then Cookie wouldn't be. and while i love and long for my angel babies,  i love Cookie too. and sometimes this seems to cause feeling i don't know how to put words to,  Some days it still causes me much pain that my family will never be complete anywhere but in my dreams.
It seems that loss and infertility leave a lot of us feeling incomplete.

antenatal appointments and anxiety

My antenatal appointments are going well, my blood pressure is good, my belly is growing but the thing that makes me dread them is that whenever the midwife tries to find Cookie's heartbeat with the doppler, all she or I can hear is static. after about 2 minutes my anxiety skyrockets. I normally have to endure this anxiety for another five minutes before they go and get the tiny ultrasound machine to check the heartbeat that way. its a low quality U/S machine and doesn't tell us any more info than seeing cookie wriggle and seeing the heartbeat. The midwife last time said that it could be my moisturizing cream (i only use a basic sorbelene cream) that is making the static. but this doesn't make sense as i used a moisturizing creme when pregnant with munchkin and never had this problem. Has anyone else heard of this? I am starting to worry that cookie has something wrong with her heart and that is why they can never find it on the doppler. I have a level 2 ultrasound at 34 weeks to see if my placenta has stretched away from my cervix. i will definatly be asking them to check cookies heart.

Munchkin is Three !

My beautiful munchkin is now 3 . This is a picture of her Miffy birthday cake, she loves the books by Dick Bruna that this little rabbit is from. We had a small party with her closest friends.  We had a bubble machine and lots of bubble blowing, which was a big hit with all the little party guests, We had a treasure hunt around the backyard which was a lot of fun. She got a bike for her birthday which she is already fairly good at riding. A great day was had by all.

Easter Break

Our little Family had a lovely Easter break with my Mum in the Country, We went to the Zoo, went to my old church for Easter Sunday Service They had a big gold Easter Egg on the Altar. Munchkin was absolutely obsessed with it, she did get a little bit of it during the Children's sermon.
The weather was beautiful and we went down to the river. Munchkin had a lovely time trying to copy Daddy skimming stones across the river, She didn't stay dry for very long at all.
The Easter bunny brought some little Easter eggs and a peter rabbit plush toy. and she got more Chocolate from Nanna, all were demolished by Anzac Day.
Hubby and I got to leave Munchkin with Nanna and attend the Anzac Day Dawn service by ourselves which was lovely. We then went back to the returned Services Club and Joined the Shotgun breakfast, Hubby was in full active dress uniform and we were invited to share a table with a lot of old Diggers, Hubby and the Diggers were talking about where they had earned their medals and other places they had seen during War. It was  a great morning.  We took Munchkin to watch the March through town
at midday Hubby didn't march this year He and Munchkin had a great time Cheering on the Diggers.
Now that we are Home again everything is a bit busy Munchkin is 3 on Saturday and I'm busy baking and getting the house in order for her little party She wants a Miffy Cake. So today I'm baking two large white chocolate mud cakes to make Miffy from.
Take care all

Happy Easter!! & ICLW

Hello to all who are here from ICLW, My days are currently filled with taking care of our almost 3yr old girl , Munchkin, doing a little casual nursing work where i can. and progressing through this pregnancy after RPL, and while I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety, my lovely little Cookie seems to be on track to arrive in August.
We are going to the Country to visit my Mum for Easter so I will be having a shor blogging break but i will catch up on my commenting when we return.
I hope you all have a lovely Easter.
take care

recurrent pregnancy loss / recurrent miscarriage

I have been delaying this post for some time mainly because i don't know how to start it. And because i was worried that by sharing this i would be jinxing Cookie. But i want to share what has enabled this pregnancy after enduring three successive losses. So here is a treatment summary of this pregnancy.
step one : a course of Doxycycline ( antibiotic)
Step two: Prednisone 5mg (immunosuppressive steroid) from day 1 of cycle
step three: Clexane (lovonox) injections from ovulation + 1
step four: Pregnyl (beta HCG) injections on ovulation+4 and ovulation+7 for a luteal phase deficit.
step 5 : Progesterone pessaries 200mg morning and night from ovulation plus 7 through to 14 weeks pregnancy.
It goes without saying that i was taking a pregnancy multivitamin and on the advice of a gynae registrar i added High dose folic acid 5mg tablets. as he said a woman with my history should be taking it as a precaution and it won't do any harm. It was on Cycle #2 of this regime that we got Cookie.
the fert doc swapped the Clexane to baby aspirin at 10 weeks pregnant due to me bleeding.
Everything here is empiric treatment with the exception of the Pregnyl for the LPD. as i didn't test positive to an immune disorder or a clotting disorder. but she decided to treat me as if i did test positive to both and for some reason it has worked.
It is my hope that anyone who stumbles across this post after recurrent pregnancy loss may find an unexplored option.

20 week scan :)

Here is cookies photo from the 20 week scan. everything looked really good, with one exception my placenta is still really low so they may scan again at 30 weeks to see if i can deliver naturally or if Cookie will have to come out the sun roof.  I really don't want a C section but if it end up being the safest way then i guess I'll just have to do it.

Cookie is having a nice big yawn in the photo too cute :)
And for those who are wondering it looks as though cookie is a pinkie :)
Take care

update

Hi all, Thanks for all your comments on my last post, they were greatly appreciated, I went to a different GP who ordered bloods. turns out I'm anaemic a HB of 100 it needs to be 110 and above. previous level in early preg was 146, so that could be an easy fix for the hair loss, Thyroid function came back normal which is great. the only other one that has come back abnormal was cholesterol level which was 7, high i know but could be linked to the prednisone and progesterone and she suggests a re check after Cookie is born. and i can always endevour to reduce fats in my diet untill then. So it looks like i'm off to get iron tablets this arvo any suggestions on ones that won't make me insanly constipated.

Hair Loss During Pregnancy

Has anyone else experienced this? My hair has been falling out since about wk14, in clumps, i am cleaning out my hairbrush twice a week. I asked the midwife about it and she shrugged it off, it is a major cause of my anxiety at the moment. I thought hair was meant to grow thick and lush when you are pregnant and fall out after you had the baby, at least that is what it did with Munchkin. My GP is away for 2 weeks so i might have to see someone else. I just hope its not a symptom of something that might hurt cookie.

18weeks

I had my first midwife appointment today, and i am totally relieved to have gotten this far, they Found Cookie's heartbeat easily and then to reassure me found my abdominal pulse as well, Cookie is defiantly going strong, Because of my history my next visit is with the public obstetrician and then depending on that i either keep seeing the obstetrician or go back to the midwives. I am feeling less in limbo now it was a long wait from fert doc discharging me at 13 weeks till now being picked up by the hospital. I feel like i am being looked after properly again and that is a HUGE relief. only 2 weeks till my 20 week scan :)

funny ways to releive anxiety ( alternate title how to make Cookie kick)

I decided against renting a doppler to reasure myself cookie was ok. but i have found a few ways that always seem to produce a kick or wriggle when i am feeling anxious,
if sitting quietly for a while fails to produce a kick i try moving my tummy muscles in and out to gently shake Cookie awake, I often get a sharp kick from this method as if Cookie is saying "oi mum, what was that for I'm sleeping here."
If this doesn''t work a large glass of cold orange juice will often do the trick (as well as boosting vitC and folate levels)
Cookies favourite however is a row of white chocolate and a warm drink (caffene free). This is also my favourite and a frequent after dinner treat Cookie will normally kick for 30 minutes after this.
If i haven't felt Cookie for what I think is ages ( in reality probably not that long) I find a teaspoon of brown sugar, two if necessary will produce a few kicks in about 5 to 10 minutes.
Typing this it all sounds rather silly and i will probably end up with a child with a massive sweet tooth as a result,
but i haven't found anything as good for releiving pregnancy anxiety as feeling bub move.
What do or did you do to releive pregnancy anxiety and or make your baby move?

16 week US photos

 

Here are cookies 16 week ultrasound photos. See if you can guess pink or blue?

Cookie can Kick!

I have been feeling that butterfly in the stomach feeling for a couple of days. but last night while watching TV i felt a strong kick. it startled me so much i jumped and nearly fell off my chair. Cookie hasn't repeated the performance but sometimes i feel a soft little tap. It is lovely to feel this little one move, makes me sad at times that i didn't get to feel it with my angels.
I also find i feel rather anxious if i don't feel Cookie for about 4 hrs. I need for find a way to relax and not to worry unless i know i have something to worry about, but that is easier said than done sometimes.