I feel like @#!$ today. Its 7:30 in the morning and I haven't had much sleep. I can hear Munchkin is awake in her cot. but i just don't have the energy to go and get her and start the day. I'm such a terrible mum right now.

I am finding things hard today. I thought i had some idea of what i was in for, thought i had been through it before and would recognise the feelings. I am wrong. Last time i cried enough to break the drought. And i thought i knew what the pits of despair were. this time I am crying very little ( in comparison) but i feel worse within myself. I am completely unmotivated, have spent most of the day on the couch watching terrible TV. and i have a hideous hollow feeling inside me. and sleep even with sleeping pills is impossible.
I just don't know what to do.

I hate this!

I have just finished cancelling my 12 week scan and appointments with the midwives.
this just sucks. I am so devastated

Feeling isolated

I was thinking in the wee small hours of the morning how my husband is handling this better than me and seemed to last time as well. I was actually feeling a tad jealous. Until i read a blog this morning that said something like there is an unwritten rule in marriages that says that both people can't fall apart at the same time. Whoever perceives themselves to be the least sad swallows their grief to keep dinner on the table etc. This can leave the other member feeling a tad isolated and confused. How true. My hubby is being strong for me and he was last time too. I love him so much and hope he realises it.

I went back to my Doctor this morning, turns out I have an infection in my uterus. no wonder i have been feeling so physically crap as well as an emotional train wreck. Fingers crossed the antibiotics work quick.

Why me?

There is supposed to be only a five percent chance of miscarriage if you get to see the heart beating. I saw my little baby's heartbeat. but it was one of those 5 percent. they say your chances of 2 miscarriages is 1 in 25. and it was me. my Dr says the chances of 3 miscarriages is 1 in 250 i hope that isn't me. But in reading so many blogs it is so many women. I am in the pits of despair, it is 1am and sleep is impossible. I am constantly thinking about everything I've done in the last 3 months and if it could have hurt my baby.
This was not meant to happen again. It is shaking my faith to the core. My hubby is atheist and the world seems so much easier through his eyes at the moment. I hope i don't loose my faith it used to bring me much comfort.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I say to you whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

my problem with this is i prayed, I believed, i saw my baby's heartbeat and i was so greatful and then it was taken from me. And now i am so angry and broken.

Today is a bad day. My hair is starting to fall out, my breasts are leaking milk, i have pain in my belly and i don't have my baby. I know all these are from the sudden change in hormones from being pregnant to not pregnant. Its worth it when you have a baby in your arms. It is just so devastating when you don't.

My body is once again empty and my heart is breaking yet again.
I was on the emergency operations list but right down the bottom so i had to wait 6 hrs by myself in the hospital before they did the surgery. I was a complete mess. they called a social worker for me to talk to. She was nice and understanding, helped me pass 30 mins of time. but ultimately didn't help me feel any better. to make it worse they were doing Cesarean sections that day and every hour or so i could hear the cries of a brand new baby. and i was wishing i was those women and not me. This time i saw the heartbeat and my perfect baby. I prayed so hard for it's life and still it was taken from me.

I am booked in to have a D&C tomorrow. I don't like the idea of having surgery but I don't want to risk another big bleed like last time. The idea of my baby being mushed up and sucked out is causing me much heartache especially as this time i have seen it. Life is so unfair at the moment.

Lightening Has struck twice :(

Today i am devastated. I had some spotting this morning and went to the doctors, They ordered an ultrasound and my baby no longer has a heartbeat :(. It had not grown since my last ultrasound at 8 weeks. everything looked the same just no heartbeat. I feel Devastated, Cheated and oh so angry.

Slightly anxious

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant..... I was 11 weeks when I lost my Angel.
I am feeling really scared and anxious about the coming weeks. I pray every day that History won't repeat itself.

My first scan at 6 weeks, that tiny circle is my baby.

My second scan at 8 weeks 3 days what a difference 2 weeks makes! it still looks like a fish, but you can make out the head and it has a heart beat of 130bpm!!

lots has happened since my last post. Christmas, new year and my Angel's due date has passed. I am grateful that we were on holidays visiting family for all of it. or i think i would have retreated to my bed for 2 weeks. Christmas was nice Munchkin could open presents by herself and was very excited by the day. we were in QLD for new year it rained but it at least gave me an excuse to go to bed early i really didn't want to watch fireworks ( bright happy festive things) not my mood at all. My Angel's due date was spent in the car on the way home. i felt completely numb. not even capable of tears. A very small part of me is relived that it has passed i should no longer be pregnant with my Angel and i might have a small chance at processing it now. i am refraining form using the term 'moving on' as i don't like it thing are different and always will be. I pray one day it won't hurt so much.
But I do have some good news i had my repeat ultra sound today and i am pleased to tell you all that there is a 16mm long tiny bub in my belly with a heart beat of 130 beats per minute :) please pray with me that this little bub grows big and strong. I am still fearful as i lost my Angel at11 weeks.

Not such good news today. I Had the Viability scan done and there was no heartbeat. I am praying that I ovulated late and it is just too little.
I now have to wait till the 11th of Jan for another scan. This is one of the worst forms of torture ever :(. Please pray with me that my little baby is OK.

I found this on a support site and wanted to share it as is it very much how i feel.

Dear God,

Please hold my unborn child in your ever loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine and not rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with you.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
withing my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine grace.
And when you call me home to your kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby that I never held but always loved.
Amen
Ellen Dubois Miscarriagehelp.com

talking

I was chatting to a friend about how i am feeling. I thought she was someone i could sound to.
It turns out she thinks that that amount of time has passed and i should be OK. Sympathy is gone, and science has replaced it. but my grief for my angel is still so raw. instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. and feeling rather isolated.

tests

it seems all I am doing at the moment is having tests I have lost track of the amount of blood tests they have done. They are monitoring my hormone levels to make sure they are high enough to maintain a pregnancy. so far they are "borderline normal" so as far as i know its just scraping through. I'm off to my doctors this evening to get the latest results and my stomach is a knot of nerves. The viability ultra sound is on Monday I'm praying really hard that there is a heartbeat and everything will be OK. Id really like some good news for Christmas.

Courage

Today I plucked up enough courage to pee on a stick..... 2 lines.
I should be happy this is what i want......... but I am scared..........really terrified.
Please pray with me that i get to keep this little baby. its inside me and yet i can do nothing to help it if it is in trouble.
And to my little Angel baby "Mummy will never forget you"

I start my new job on Wednesday. I'm quite excited about returning to work and feeling a little like my old self again. I am taking a maths study break at the moment i had forgotten how difficult all the medication maths was. you forget it so quick when you don't use it every day. and I'm digging it out of the back of my brain after 20 months off work.
It is doing a good job of distracting my head from the fact that my period is a couple of days late. I just don't have the courage to go and pee on a stick. maybe tomorrow will bring me more courage. I don't want to know too early just in case i loose it. if i don't know i can just think that my period was late. Trust me to get pregnant 2 days before starting a new job though :). Hopefully i have more courage tomorrow.