I went back to my Doctor this morning, turns out I have an infection in my uterus. no wonder i have been feeling so physically crap as well as an emotional train wreck. Fingers crossed the antibiotics work quick.

Why me?

There is supposed to be only a five percent chance of miscarriage if you get to see the heart beating. I saw my little baby's heartbeat. but it was one of those 5 percent. they say your chances of 2 miscarriages is 1 in 25. and it was me. my Dr says the chances of 3 miscarriages is 1 in 250 i hope that isn't me. But in reading so many blogs it is so many women. I am in the pits of despair, it is 1am and sleep is impossible. I am constantly thinking about everything I've done in the last 3 months and if it could have hurt my baby.
This was not meant to happen again. It is shaking my faith to the core. My hubby is atheist and the world seems so much easier through his eyes at the moment. I hope i don't loose my faith it used to bring me much comfort.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I say to you whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

my problem with this is i prayed, I believed, i saw my baby's heartbeat and i was so greatful and then it was taken from me. And now i am so angry and broken.

Today is a bad day. My hair is starting to fall out, my breasts are leaking milk, i have pain in my belly and i don't have my baby. I know all these are from the sudden change in hormones from being pregnant to not pregnant. Its worth it when you have a baby in your arms. It is just so devastating when you don't.

My body is once again empty and my heart is breaking yet again.
I was on the emergency operations list but right down the bottom so i had to wait 6 hrs by myself in the hospital before they did the surgery. I was a complete mess. they called a social worker for me to talk to. She was nice and understanding, helped me pass 30 mins of time. but ultimately didn't help me feel any better. to make it worse they were doing Cesarean sections that day and every hour or so i could hear the cries of a brand new baby. and i was wishing i was those women and not me. This time i saw the heartbeat and my perfect baby. I prayed so hard for it's life and still it was taken from me.

I am booked in to have a D&C tomorrow. I don't like the idea of having surgery but I don't want to risk another big bleed like last time. The idea of my baby being mushed up and sucked out is causing me much heartache especially as this time i have seen it. Life is so unfair at the moment.

Lightening Has struck twice :(

Today i am devastated. I had some spotting this morning and went to the doctors, They ordered an ultrasound and my baby no longer has a heartbeat :(. It had not grown since my last ultrasound at 8 weeks. everything looked the same just no heartbeat. I feel Devastated, Cheated and oh so angry.

Slightly anxious

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant..... I was 11 weeks when I lost my Angel.
I am feeling really scared and anxious about the coming weeks. I pray every day that History won't repeat itself.

My first scan at 6 weeks, that tiny circle is my baby.

My second scan at 8 weeks 3 days what a difference 2 weeks makes! it still looks like a fish, but you can make out the head and it has a heart beat of 130bpm!!

lots has happened since my last post. Christmas, new year and my Angel's due date has passed. I am grateful that we were on holidays visiting family for all of it. or i think i would have retreated to my bed for 2 weeks. Christmas was nice Munchkin could open presents by herself and was very excited by the day. we were in QLD for new year it rained but it at least gave me an excuse to go to bed early i really didn't want to watch fireworks ( bright happy festive things) not my mood at all. My Angel's due date was spent in the car on the way home. i felt completely numb. not even capable of tears. A very small part of me is relived that it has passed i should no longer be pregnant with my Angel and i might have a small chance at processing it now. i am refraining form using the term 'moving on' as i don't like it thing are different and always will be. I pray one day it won't hurt so much.
But I do have some good news i had my repeat ultra sound today and i am pleased to tell you all that there is a 16mm long tiny bub in my belly with a heart beat of 130 beats per minute :) please pray with me that this little bub grows big and strong. I am still fearful as i lost my Angel at11 weeks.

Not such good news today. I Had the Viability scan done and there was no heartbeat. I am praying that I ovulated late and it is just too little.
I now have to wait till the 11th of Jan for another scan. This is one of the worst forms of torture ever :(. Please pray with me that my little baby is OK.

I found this on a support site and wanted to share it as is it very much how i feel.

Dear God,

Please hold my unborn child in your ever loving embrace.
Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.
Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.
please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine and not rain.
Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.
Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with you.
Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.
Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-
withing my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine grace.
And when you call me home to your kingdom up above-
Please let me hold the baby that I never held but always loved.
Amen
Ellen Dubois Miscarriagehelp.com

talking

I was chatting to a friend about how i am feeling. I thought she was someone i could sound to.
It turns out she thinks that that amount of time has passed and i should be OK. Sympathy is gone, and science has replaced it. but my grief for my angel is still so raw. instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. and feeling rather isolated.

tests

it seems all I am doing at the moment is having tests I have lost track of the amount of blood tests they have done. They are monitoring my hormone levels to make sure they are high enough to maintain a pregnancy. so far they are "borderline normal" so as far as i know its just scraping through. I'm off to my doctors this evening to get the latest results and my stomach is a knot of nerves. The viability ultra sound is on Monday I'm praying really hard that there is a heartbeat and everything will be OK. Id really like some good news for Christmas.

Courage

Today I plucked up enough courage to pee on a stick..... 2 lines.
I should be happy this is what i want......... but I am scared..........really terrified.
Please pray with me that i get to keep this little baby. its inside me and yet i can do nothing to help it if it is in trouble.
And to my little Angel baby "Mummy will never forget you"

I start my new job on Wednesday. I'm quite excited about returning to work and feeling a little like my old self again. I am taking a maths study break at the moment i had forgotten how difficult all the medication maths was. you forget it so quick when you don't use it every day. and I'm digging it out of the back of my brain after 20 months off work.
It is doing a good job of distracting my head from the fact that my period is a couple of days late. I just don't have the courage to go and pee on a stick. maybe tomorrow will bring me more courage. I don't want to know too early just in case i loose it. if i don't know i can just think that my period was late. Trust me to get pregnant 2 days before starting a new job though :). Hopefully i have more courage tomorrow.

Hubby had to go away today for a leadership training week. I miss him already. its the first time he has been away since officer training school. and being by myself with my little hurricane of a munchkin is challenging. My house is a mess and i have been cleaning all day. I've just run out of energy to finish it off. I started preparing dinner at one o'clock this afternoon so it wouldn't take long at hungry monster hour. Flying solo is hard.

The ultrasound went OK. at least I think it did anyway, there was nothing left over and that's good. The sonographer did say there were a few "Variances on normal" nut didn't sound overly concerned so i hope its nothing. I have blood tests in a week and a bit and then i go back to my GP for results. Thanks to all for your prayers and keep praying with me. I really want Munchkin to have a little brother or sister.

Uncertain

It has been 5 months since I lost my Angel. And I still miss my Angel terribly.
Hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant again for 4 months now, and I'm worried my body has been damaged by the surgery . My cycles are different now, I have a lot more pain with my period than I used to, and my periods are really light, sometimes they only last for a day or so. I am worried my uterus is Scarred or that they removed too much lining and it can't regenerate itself. I have been to my GP and she has ordered some tests the first is an ultrasound tomorrow and then hormone level bloods on day 20 of my cycle. Please pray with me that it is all OK and that we will be blessed with another baby soon.

Busy, busy, busy

our family has been busy lately. We decided to get out of defence housing and buy a house for us to live in whilst we are in our current location. with the plan of turning it into an investment property when we are posted on. We found an ideal property and made an offer. we would need a loan of 350k for the property as we have a large deposit. the main defence bank knocked us back on the basis of $100 a month in income we didn't have. But another bank came through and gave us pre approval for 350k. Everything was running smoothly and we were soon to be mortgage ee's or so I thought. A couple of days later the bank contacted us and informed us they would only lend us around 250k. the rotten financial crisis has made banks tighten up their lending again. so we are back at looking at houses in a lower price range and not finding what we are looking for. we are also thinking of whether we will be better off buying an investment property instead. but we loose a lot of government and defence benefits if we do this. Deciding what to do with money is a hard thing. bring back the barter system :)

Stumbling blocks

I have been doing well lately,
We have been busy, I have been doing a bit of sewing and we have been away the last 2 weekends in a row. one for my High School renunion ( I'm getting old) and one to visit family in Sydney. Life is feeling good...
Today Munchkin and i went shopping for a birthday pressie for Hubby, we raced around and found a nice one and then went to play in the kids play area, I bumped into a friend who has just had a little girl. it was the first time i'd seen her since the birth of her baby, The sight of her little newborn caught me completly off gard. The bandaid was ripped off and there was that intense longing for my little Angel again. I hope she wasn't offended when i didn't want a cuddle.