Feeling a ted Robbed

I was thinking about when i was pregnant with Munchkin or our first little angel Sparticus, and how different pregnancy felt compared to now. Pregnancy used to be filled with a fantastic amount of nervous excitement. and the fear and anxiety that has replaced it isn't nice, Miscarriage has robbed me of those feelings. they briefly flicker back after an ultrasound where all is well, but it only takes a couple of days for the fear and doubt to creep back in. I thought that after the 12 week scan i would be feeling better about this pregnancy. But the couple of scares i have had, have made it hard to relax and enjoy things. My next scan is the 7th of march at 16 weeks and it can't come soon enough.

Cookie is still going ok

I had a lot of pain last night so today i went to the ed for a scan ( i told them i had some spotting as well so they would do a scan) and they did a quick check of cookie he/she was wriggling and we could see the heartbeat. I am relieved i had been worrying that my belly wasn't big enough for 14 weeks. but Cookie is tucked in there.  The anxiety that goes with pregnancy after loss isn't pleasant and trying to get scans to reassure yourself is really hard i feel a bit bad for fibbing to the ed staff. But at least i know that Cookie is OK.

Way too cute!

Munchkin has just started drawing people. I love the big heads and tiny arms and legs coming from the head( she hasn't added the body yet). this morning i noticed she had added a scribble to just under the head thinking it could have been a beard i asked her what it was. he response was" A bottom mummy, everyones gots a bottom." I couldn't help myself but laugh. Two year olds can drive you mental, but they are very funny.

my dream

This is my dream ( i thought is was time i posted something positive) this picture is the christening cake that i have been wanting to make ( or attempt to make) for soooo long. its a Maisie Parrish design. I would just be putting in the little girl to represent Munchkin, and the baby for Cookie. The toys down the bottom will represent my angels. for my other cake decorating attempts/creations see here and here . Fingers crossed everyone that i get to make this cake for Cookie.

Anxiety

I thought getting to the nuchal scan was going to be the hard bit emotionally, I was wrong. i find the waiting now that the fert doc doesn't want to do scans and  my next U/S is the 19 week one really hard. They say that the pregnancy should be self sustaining now but I'm so scared. I don't want to tell anyone I'm pregnant in case Cookies heart has stopped and i don't know like with my previous miscarriages. I went to my GP and begged her for another scan she has booked one in for me for week 16 ( this feels like AGES away). How do people get through this waiting game. I was looking at the home Doppler's. but then i stumbled across 4 articles strongly advising against them as they can pick up placental blood flow even when the baby's heart has stopped. So i don't think i will be buying one. plus i don't know how good the cheap ones are when hospital grade ones cost over $600 and EBay sells them for $60. I also need to return to work soon but i really don't want to til after the next scan. I really want Cookie to be mine.

Cookie is OK !!!

I spent most of yesterday at the hospital waiting to get a scan. I originally went to a different GP who had a fetal heart Doppler only for her not to be able to find the heartbeat. so she sent me to the early pregnancy clinic at the hospital. The midwife there found the heartbeat with a Doppler but they wanted me to stay for a scan to see if they could find where the blood is comming from. Which they didn't.  But because it took so long i had to miss my appointment with the Counsellor and can't get in to see her till next week now. But at least Cookie is OK.

Bleeding

I have more bleeding again today. This is doing my head in I had the Nuchal yesterday and Cookie was fine so why do I Have bleeding Today. I don't know what to do and paying for all these ultrasounds at $170 a go is sending me broke. I am meant to be seeing my counsellor at 11 and it took me ages to get the appointment. so i really don't want to sit in emergency for the next 4 hrs. I am waiting on a medical centre to get back to me on whether they have a doppler and can check Cookies heart rate.

Cookie's Nuchal

Cookie is still going well heart rate 167. no photo yet i have to collect the official result in a couple of days. Do I dare allow myself to breathe now?

Today

Today i have the Nuchal scan I can't believe its today and I'm so close to the end of the first trimester. I am still a bit scared that today will deliver bad news, but hopefully not. I can't wait till i can feel cookie move.
Mum is on the mend she is out of the neuro ICU and on a ward now with any luck she will be home in a week or two. thank you to all for you prayers.

Cookie!

cookie is good, they have no idea where the blood is comming from. doc is taking me off clexane and starting me on baby aspirin as clexane can start bleeds but aspirin acts on platlets and is less likely to start a bleed while still providing anti coagulation.

What a week

OK this post is probably going to end up all over the place. my mum had an accident this week and is in neuro ICU with a bleed in her brain. she is awake and hopefully it wont continue to bleed. so we did  a drive to go See her when we got there i was busting to pee  only to discover than when i did i was bleeding. so now we are back home and i have a scan at 1020.  none of the family knows about cookie so i think they are a bit perplexed i used munchkin and feeding the cat as an excuse to come home. So prayers for my mum please and prayers for cookie.

David's Birthday

Today is the Day that my bubba boy should have been entering the world. Cookie should still be a distant dream. Today i should be counting tiny fingers and toes. and enjoying the smell of a freshly bathed newborn baby. but once again today my arms are empty. Instead of dressing my little boy in the colour of the heavens he is there already. I miss you, David and love you more than you will ever know.  xxoo

Cookie!!!

Cookie is good. heart rate 160. and growing ok i'm just worried about my BhCG's as they are down to 88000 now from 146000 a couple of weeks ago the doc says this can happen and isn't worried I'm just worried as i didn't think they plateaued till after 12 weeks not 9 weeks. but so long as Cookie is good i guess it doesn't matter.

Scared stupid

Last night i noticed a brown discarge form me. it is like old blood brown. and now i'm petrified that cookie is gone already. It is a long wait to 12:20 when you are counting microseconds. prayers please everyone.

The pain returns

Last friday afternoon the low abdominal pain returned and has done every afternoon since. I am just praying that everything is ok. next scan is on Thursday. I really want Cookie to be mine to hold.

Cookie!!!

Cookie is Good! measuring 9wks 5days I'm 9wks 3days. and heart rate 167. please pray that i get to keep Cookie all my other miscarriages were between 9 and 10 weeks.

Cookie might be in trouble

today's bloods weren't glowing progesterone thanks to the pessaries was 107 but BhCg was 147388 which is a high number but it almost hasn't budged from last wed. and i have to wait till wed for another scan it is a very anxious wait. please pray with me that Cookie is OK.

Cookie!!!!

Cookie is good! i am 8 wks 3 days and little Cookie is measuring 8 wks 5 days with a heart rate of 180bpm. Fingers crossed things stay good everyone i'm dreading wk 10 already.

The pain stopped 2 days ago but now I'm worried that everything else has stopped too. U/S is tomorrow it can't come fast enough. fingers crossed everyone.

a little concerned

I have been having bad lower abdominal pain lately i'm worried Cookie might be ectopic. except the pain goes away with rest. It is also only in the evening starts around 4-5 in the evening and continues till bedtime. which is terrible as that is when we need dinner cooked munchkin bathed and in bed it is impossible for me to put my feet up for 4 hrs at this time of day. Hubby has been cooking dinner and bathing munchkin but i still have to climb the stairs and read the stories for her to sleep. I have had some cramping and pain with all my miscarriages but not munchkin so it is doing nothing to make me think that cookie will be mine to keep. and my counsellor is on holiday till feburary.(right on time to pick up the peices if we find out in wk 10 that Cookie is gone) hopefully my first scan next wed will be some good news.