We are fine

This post is primarily for those who know me IRL. There is a wear house chemical fire in a nearby suburb to where we live. The smoke is potentially hazardous and we have been told to stay inside. So apart from being stuck in the house with a 3 yr old who wants to play in the sand pit we are fine. I just hope they can put the fire out soon.
love to all.

Life with Cookie

(Note: To all those still struggling with TTC/ Loss, this blog will be now focused on parenting after loss and life in general. If you need to stop reading for a while I completely understand and i look forward to seeing you again soon. Sending baby dust to all xxoo)

The first two weeks with Cookie have been great She is a real snuggle bug and her favourite place to sleep is in someones arms. She is a champion feeder and didn't loose any weight in her birth week. The cardigan i knitted isn't going to fit for long.
 My guilty mummy secret is that I am co sleeping her as she hates her little bassinet. I also think i wouldn't be able to sleep without her close to me I love that i can just kiss her head to see if she is too hot or too cold, and i love that instead of crying she just makes funny noises and starts to look around for my nipple when she is hungry. I co slept with Munchkin  for 3 months as well. Cookie only wakes twice at night for a feed when she is in our bed. In the day she naps in the pram surrounded by noise. she likes to know where we are.
Recovery from birth for me this time has been a lot easier. I haven't been ravaged by hormonal crying like i did after munchkin was born. and we are getting more sleep this time round. Although i have never been so happy to be tired in my life.
I don't think i will ever understand why my Angels had to go or why Cookie is here today. all i know is that all of my babies have a special place in my heart.
Munchkin loves her little sister and i am not allowed to change a nappy or give her a bath without Munchkins help I hope this trend continues.
People have already been asking when number 3 will be coming and right now i can't answer that question. In an ideal world the answer would be soon. But we all know that the world is not ideal.
 and right now i have the lovely warm weight of a sleeping newborn in my arms and i feel blessed. and i am going to enjoy this feeling for a while before i even think about wanting to go through TTC again.

Cookie's Birth Story

On Sunday 21st August i woke up at 05:00 with what i thought was pre labour contractions they were really irregular only 20 secs long and i could walk through them easily. So i paced the corridor in my house to see if they would strengthen. at 09:00hrs they did and by 11:15 a friend was picking up Munchkin and Hubby and i had a light lunch before heading to the Hospital we arrived at about 12:30 and i was 4 cms dilated. I was using Gas and a hot shower for pain relief and doing well. by 2pm i was having the urge to push so I had to get out of the shower and after a check i was told i was fully dilated and to follow my body. I pushed for 10 mins and the midwife said She would be here in another 15mins. But the i started vomiting and by contractions slowed so they put up some syntocin which increased my pain (A LOT) and i started getting pain in my pelvic  and pubic bone it felt as though with each contraction someone was sawing my pubic bone with a hacksaw. the midwives were telling me to push through it but i couldn't. I tried squatting, birthing stool, birthing ball, on all fours. by 5pm i was going out of my mind with pain. i had hubby and a midwife putting counter pressure on my hips which helped a tad but i still couldn't get her out. So at 5:40 they did a nerve block and pulled her out with the suction cap on her head. I only sustained a 1st degree tare that didn't require suturing.
 She is worth all of it but had i known how intense this labour would be i would have asked for an epidural when i was 4 cms.
Hubby brought Munchkin in and we had Pizza  dinner whilst i was still on the labour and delivery suite.
I only stayed in for 24hrs post delivery and up until tonight Cookie has been the model baby but tonight she is unsettled and hasn't slept a wink i am currently wearing her in a harness so hubby can get some sleep upstairs, we will swap soon.

Cookie is Cooked!!!!!

Cookie is here born 21/08/2011 at 5:40 pm weighing 3.67kg our beautiful little girl named K*A*T*E*L*Y*N. I am so pleased she is here Munchkin says "My baby" all the time. its very cute.
We are both well and home already.

Due date and nothing happening

OK, so today is "The Day" but nothing is happening yet. I went in for a check yesterday as anxiety got the better of me (my hands and feet went all puffy and i wanted to make sure everything was OK). Everything is great and i got to listen to Cookies heartbeat for 20 mins solid.
 It turns out Cookie is Posterior and this is probably preventing her from engaging properly and labour starting.  Does anyone have suggestions for how to turn a posterior baby ( without me standing on my head) Hopefully she turns soon and labour can start naturally.

Scary Firsts

Last night we had to take Munchkin to the emergency room for the first time, i was hoping not to have this experience for a couple more years yet and for something like a broken bone, not because she was struggling to breathe. Munchkin has always been prone to Croup she has had it 4 times before but last night when i went to see why she was coughing she was sitting in bed looking terrified and struggling to suck any air in at all in between coughs. and her trachea and intercostal muscles were all sucked in with each breath as well. I may be a nurse but seeing your kid struggling for air is still terrifying. So off we went to the hospital and she settled a bit on the way. the Hospital gave her a dose of anti inflammatory steroids and we stuck around for it to kick in. it worked well and we were home by midnight. But everyone is tired in this house today as munchkin slept in our bed last night but didn't sleep much as the steroid dose was keeping her awake. She is still a little bit Croupy this morning I am hoping tonight is better.
On the pregnancy front, Cookie seems to be quite happy where she is. I really hope she decides to make her entrance into the world soon.

Knitting for Cookie

this is Cookie's coming home outfit, knitted by me. just don't look too close at the embroidery, I had never attempted to embroider before, but i am happy with the result. I knitted a simpler one for Munchkin when i was pregnant with her. Its a 0000 pattern I like having one tiny outfit to remind me of just how small they once were.

37 weeks

Its 37 weeks and i really want Cookie in my arms and pink and healthy. My belly is causing me trouble sleeping ( along with my bladder). and my pelvis is sore. I would really like Cookie to make her appearance in the next 2 weeks. Munchkin was 2 weeks late ( 3weeks from my dates)  and those weeks after the due date were some of the longest and most uncomfortable weeks I have experienced.
does anyone have any ways to safely give Cookie the Hurry up message? One thing i do need to do is take a photo of my belly I have some video of cookie moving inside my belly but no photos.

a little muddled

Sorry for the lack of meaningful posts lately, my head is all muddled up. Last Thursday marked one year since we found out our little jellybean was an angel. and some days I'd still give anything to be able to turn back the clock and have my angels with me. Which makes me feel terrible cause i do really love and want Cookie. Pregnancy after loss is such a different experience to what pregnancy should be. The baby car seats are still in the Garage. i don't want them in the cars until Cookie is safely here. Everything is washed but Cookies room still looks like the guest room and not a nursery. and the excited " my baby will be here soon" feeling that i had with munchkin is simply not there. I am really worried about something going wrong during the birth. which i know isn't good for natural labour as stress hormones can stop things progressing smoothly, a mum needs to feel safe and supported for a smooth labour.  All I feel is stress and worry. I just want Cookie safely in my arms pink and healthy, so maybe then i can relax.

34 week scan

Scan went well. Cookie is head down and it looks like the Placenta is out of the way. I see the obstetrician next wed for the final green light but it looks good :)

still here

Hi just a quick post to let you know that Cookie and I are still here. I have a scan tomorrow to check that Cookie has turned and that my placenta has stretched far enough away to allow a natural delivery fingers crossed everyone.

Two years ago today

For my first little angel Sparticus,
 I miss you a lot today and always, it was two years ago that i found out you were not going to be mine to hold. Even though i have your sister wriggling in me now,  there will always be a little bit of my heart that belongs just to you. A mothers love never forgets.
I will see and hold you one day my darling
mummy xxoo

untilted

I am now 30 weeks, and I am so grateful; to have made it this far. I hope the next 10 weeks are smooth sailing. My last midwife visit was good I passed the glucose test so no diabetes and my blood pressure is good. the only slightly negative thing is that Cookie hasn't turned yet. I know there is still time I just wonder whether the low placenta is preventing Cookie from turning. I have a scan at 34 weeks to check the placental position  to see if i can deliver naturally. so i haven't been standing on my head yet as there is probably not too much point trying to turn the baby before i am told that i can deliver naturally. I really don't want a C section though. so lots of prayers that the placenta has stretched out of the way and that Cookie is head down at the 34 week scan.

Tomorrow is 2 years since i lost our first angel, Sparticus and was plunged into a world of recurrent pregnancy loss. I truly hope that I am now leaving that dark place but i still get very anxious about anything going wrong from here in. I really hope that my arms are filled in august with the sleepy weight of a healthy newborn.  Some days i still find it hard to believe that Cookie is healthy and wriggling in my belly.

To live in dream land

In my dreams my family is complete, I have my loving husband by my side and five beautiful children under my feet. I can touch, hug and laugh with them, I can comfort and rock them all to sleep. In my dreams I can watch all of them grow. 
But then the sun comes up and my eyes open and my family is different my loving Husband is still there by my side, but both of us wear the scars of loss, Munchkin is under our feet and Cookie is wriggling in my tummy.  letting myself truly love and enjoy this pregnancy leaves me feeling guilty. It is not possible to have the family i have in my dreams.If any of my angels were here then Cookie wouldn't be. and while i love and long for my angel babies,  i love Cookie too. and sometimes this seems to cause feeling i don't know how to put words to,  Some days it still causes me much pain that my family will never be complete anywhere but in my dreams.
It seems that loss and infertility leave a lot of us feeling incomplete.

antenatal appointments and anxiety

My antenatal appointments are going well, my blood pressure is good, my belly is growing but the thing that makes me dread them is that whenever the midwife tries to find Cookie's heartbeat with the doppler, all she or I can hear is static. after about 2 minutes my anxiety skyrockets. I normally have to endure this anxiety for another five minutes before they go and get the tiny ultrasound machine to check the heartbeat that way. its a low quality U/S machine and doesn't tell us any more info than seeing cookie wriggle and seeing the heartbeat. The midwife last time said that it could be my moisturizing cream (i only use a basic sorbelene cream) that is making the static. but this doesn't make sense as i used a moisturizing creme when pregnant with munchkin and never had this problem. Has anyone else heard of this? I am starting to worry that cookie has something wrong with her heart and that is why they can never find it on the doppler. I have a level 2 ultrasound at 34 weeks to see if my placenta has stretched away from my cervix. i will definatly be asking them to check cookies heart.

Munchkin is Three !

My beautiful munchkin is now 3 . This is a picture of her Miffy birthday cake, she loves the books by Dick Bruna that this little rabbit is from. We had a small party with her closest friends.  We had a bubble machine and lots of bubble blowing, which was a big hit with all the little party guests, We had a treasure hunt around the backyard which was a lot of fun. She got a bike for her birthday which she is already fairly good at riding. A great day was had by all.

Easter Break

Our little Family had a lovely Easter break with my Mum in the Country, We went to the Zoo, went to my old church for Easter Sunday Service They had a big gold Easter Egg on the Altar. Munchkin was absolutely obsessed with it, she did get a little bit of it during the Children's sermon.
The weather was beautiful and we went down to the river. Munchkin had a lovely time trying to copy Daddy skimming stones across the river, She didn't stay dry for very long at all.
The Easter bunny brought some little Easter eggs and a peter rabbit plush toy. and she got more Chocolate from Nanna, all were demolished by Anzac Day.
Hubby and I got to leave Munchkin with Nanna and attend the Anzac Day Dawn service by ourselves which was lovely. We then went back to the returned Services Club and Joined the Shotgun breakfast, Hubby was in full active dress uniform and we were invited to share a table with a lot of old Diggers, Hubby and the Diggers were talking about where they had earned their medals and other places they had seen during War. It was  a great morning.  We took Munchkin to watch the March through town
at midday Hubby didn't march this year He and Munchkin had a great time Cheering on the Diggers.
Now that we are Home again everything is a bit busy Munchkin is 3 on Saturday and I'm busy baking and getting the house in order for her little party She wants a Miffy Cake. So today I'm baking two large white chocolate mud cakes to make Miffy from.
Take care all

Happy Easter!! & ICLW

Hello to all who are here from ICLW, My days are currently filled with taking care of our almost 3yr old girl , Munchkin, doing a little casual nursing work where i can. and progressing through this pregnancy after RPL, and while I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety, my lovely little Cookie seems to be on track to arrive in August.
We are going to the Country to visit my Mum for Easter so I will be having a shor blogging break but i will catch up on my commenting when we return.
I hope you all have a lovely Easter.
take care

recurrent pregnancy loss / recurrent miscarriage

I have been delaying this post for some time mainly because i don't know how to start it. And because i was worried that by sharing this i would be jinxing Cookie. But i want to share what has enabled this pregnancy after enduring three successive losses. So here is a treatment summary of this pregnancy.
step one : a course of Doxycycline ( antibiotic)
Step two: Prednisone 5mg (immunosuppressive steroid) from day 1 of cycle
step three: Clexane (lovonox) injections from ovulation + 1
step four: Pregnyl (beta HCG) injections on ovulation+4 and ovulation+7 for a luteal phase deficit.
step 5 : Progesterone pessaries 200mg morning and night from ovulation plus 7 through to 14 weeks pregnancy.
It goes without saying that i was taking a pregnancy multivitamin and on the advice of a gynae registrar i added High dose folic acid 5mg tablets. as he said a woman with my history should be taking it as a precaution and it won't do any harm. It was on Cycle #2 of this regime that we got Cookie.
the fert doc swapped the Clexane to baby aspirin at 10 weeks pregnant due to me bleeding.
Everything here is empiric treatment with the exception of the Pregnyl for the LPD. as i didn't test positive to an immune disorder or a clotting disorder. but she decided to treat me as if i did test positive to both and for some reason it has worked.
It is my hope that anyone who stumbles across this post after recurrent pregnancy loss may find an unexplored option.

20 week scan :)

Here is cookies photo from the 20 week scan. everything looked really good, with one exception my placenta is still really low so they may scan again at 30 weeks to see if i can deliver naturally or if Cookie will have to come out the sun roof.  I really don't want a C section but if it end up being the safest way then i guess I'll just have to do it.

Cookie is having a nice big yawn in the photo too cute :)
And for those who are wondering it looks as though cookie is a pinkie :)
Take care