Feeling a tad lost

Today is one of those days. this morning in that blissful state between sleep and awake i rubbed my tummy, expecting to feel a 21 week bump. of course my tummy was flat and it shocked me.
I try so hard not to count how many weeks pregnant i should be. but my subconscious seems to automatically know. and now i just feel strange, sort of lost. I keep asking myself what this is. its not really a missing feeling, all I have to miss is early pregnancy nausea and going to the toilet every 20 Min's. My belly never got big. I never even felt those butterflies of a little baby swimming while it still has room to move.
And yet the grief is still so intense that when Munchkin is asleep and the house goes quiet, a knot slowly develops in my stomach, till sometimes i cant breathe.
I still feel that my body failed my baby. To not be able to protect your baby when its inside you is an awful feeling. I wonder if my Angel felt any pain as things went wrong for it before it died. I wish i could have given it a cuddle and whisper " shh Mummy's here, everything will be ok. mummy's here, and I love you".

Some days I hate myself so much that i don't know how hubby puts up with me.
I want to move with the rest of the world. 11 weeks have almost passed the ladies at playgroup have forgotten my emotional breakdown when my pain spectacularly erupted, and all was revealed. They are starting to talk babies, pregnancy etc around me. and yet my world still stands still. Enveloped by grief. I am beginning to think that some of these feelings won't go away till I get passed Angel's due date the 5th of Jan and there are no more weeks to count.
like i said feeling a tad lost.

What to do now?

Now that my body isn't in shock from not being pregnant and isn't trying to make milk for a baby that's in Heaven. I'm left with the question of what now? all the things that made me want to get pregnant in the first place are still there. We want a large family, we want our Children close together, Hubby is on home soil for a couple of years, I want the baby days and nappy changing to not drag on for too long, babies are hard work. And i don't want to be pregnant past my early 30's. All of these things tell me to start trying for another baby now. it makes sense. it goes with the 5 year plan.
Then i look at the bracelet that i wear every day to remember my angel and i feel guilty. I feel like I'm trying to replace my angel, which i am not, Angel is gone and in my heart i will always have one more child than what is running around on the floor.
I feel conflicted, part of my spirit is in Heaven with Angel and some days the rest of it wants to go too. But life goes on, Munchkin and Hubby need and love me. So I am back to that question
What to do now?

Words for my Angel

Forever in a mother's heart

Remember me Mummy,
although I have no birthday.
Remember me,
although I have never cried.
Remember me,
although your arms will never hold me.
Remember me,
although your eyes will never see me.
Remember me,
although on this earth I leave no footprint.
Remember me Mummy,
because no one else will.

My darling Angel,
You have left me too soon,
And though my body can no longer hold you,
I will hold you forever in my heart.

Mummy xxo

Grief

The other night as i was sleeping.
I had a dream that i was holding you in my arms.
When I awoke you were no longer there,
so i cried and cried and cried.

Then tragedgy struck

Munchkin and i arrived at Mum's and were enjoying the attention. Mum was spoiling Munchkin and fussing and clucking over me.
that night, once munchkin was in toddler dream land. Ahappy place from all the little dreamy sighs coming from the baby monitor. Mum and i were enjoying a cup of tea. I decided to turn in early. And whilst getting ready for bed to my shock and horror discovered blood like i was having my period.
Mum took me to the hospital, who said they couldn't do anything at this hour and sent me home to rest with an ultrasound appointment for the morning. I didn't sleep at all. and the next morning at the ultrasound was given Shocking news. The baby had died.
Not only that but it would have happened at around 8 weeks as all that was left was the placenta and 2 yolk sacks. It was potentially twins, but they don't know for sure as my body had started to reabsorb the babies or I had accidentally flushed them down the toilet. A thought that still causes me much grief. the doctors said that because i was only 11 weeks along it could all happen naturally and it would be like having my period for 2 or 3 weeks. so back to mums i went with an empty body and a broken heart.
Thursday evening, the previous events happened on the Tuesday. I went to have a bath to try and relax. I pressed play on the CD player and closed my eyes still unable to process that i was no longer pregnant.
Maybe 10 mins later i started to feel giddy and nauseated. i opened my eyes and the bathwater was a dark red, I was bleeding and a lot. My toes were almost invisible in the bloody water. I called for mum and off to the Hospital we rushed. I had surgery to stop the bleeding that night, and spent the next day in a surgical post op high dependency ward with 6 other beds and sick people all around me. All i wanted was the privacy to have a good cry and my husbands arms around me.
My baby is an angel and i will always miss it.

Time to extend

When Munchkin was 11 months old my Husband and I decided it was time to extend our little family. So we started to try for another Baby. I really enjoy the spontaneity of wanting to get pregnant there are no thoughts of what if the condom breaks? or Did i remember to take the pill on time today? You throw all caution to the wind and keep your fingers crossed.
It felt like Hubby had winked at me from across the room and i was pregnant again. We had been busy. We had Celebrated Munchkin's first birthday. my period was due the weekend of her party but having a house full of family and friends i hadn't noticed that it was late. The following weekend was mother's day. I peed on a stick on mothers day and sure enough I was pregnant.
What a perfect mothers day, a expectant arrival, brekky in bed and a picnic at the Nature reserve.
The nest 8 weeks were smooth sailing, I had no morning sickness, just like with Munchkin. and i was feeling well. I was having strange vivid dreams but i put that down to pregnancy hormones. I kept having dreams it was twins. this didn't bother me though it would be an adventure, the only dream i had that bothered me was when i was 9 weeks pregnant and i dreamt my baby was an angel.
We were busy again Hubby had uni exams and to give him a good chance at passing Munchkin and i went to visit my mum in the country. I was feeling tired and thought a week of being looked after would be great. no housework :)

Survriving the First year of parenthood

I knew that having kids changed your life, but i was completely unprepared for the baptism of fire i received. In my arms was a hungry monster that didn't know how to, nor want to sleep, The first night at home together Munchkin screamed solid from midnight to eight am. with me breastfeeding her as often as i could to shut her up. by 2am Munchkin was screaming, i was sobbing and hubby was trying to comfort the two of us. funny in hindsight but what a night. and things weren't to improve any time soon. Munchkin didn't sleep through the night regularly till 10 months of age. and met all milestones early crawled at 5 months walking by 9 1/2 months I was so not ready. Where was my sleepy, cuddly baby? There are actually a lot of photos of her sleeping in our photo album as it was such a rare occasion that we always felt the need to get the camera out.

My next challenge came when munchkin was 12 weeks old and hubby had to go away for 3 months with work ( the joys of being a defence family) I had just started coping with him there to give me a break at night to have a shower and 30 minutes of me time. and now i was to discover what being a single mum was like for 3 months.
I became friends with my neighbour who happened to be an army defence family she had a 2 yr old boy. without that support and understanding i probably wouldn't have made it through.
We survrived the first year. Our Munchkin has developed into a beautiful ambitious toddler and we are now settled in to our new posting location with much help of Defence Force play groups. and Hubby is on Australian soil for a while to come, we almost feel like a normal civilian family.

Soon to be Three

It felt like as soon as i stopped taking the pill i was pregnant. I thought it was meant to take 3 months for your hormones to sort themselves out before you could get pregnant. But apparently not. I had a very easy pregnancy no nausea, and i felt well. Munchkin was in no hurry to arrive it must have been comfy in there. she eventually entered the world at 41 weeks. and while my pregnancy was easy my labour was not. Contractions started at 0200hrs one morning and she arrived at 0212 hrs the next morning with the assistance of a Vacuum cap on her head. like i said it must have been comfy in there.
and then we were three.

Just The Two of Us

We were married in a garden and function centre, aptly named 'Garden of Eden' Surrounded by all our Family and Friends.
5 minutes after we signed the register it started to rain, and rain it did, positively poured all through the reception. I think that rain on your wedding day can be a good thing. Washes away all the old and helps the new grow.
We had a lovely tropical island honeymoon. Sun and sand, Water skiing when we felt like it. and a few island tours, on the days we felt like being adventurous. These little birds lived in a tree just outside our room off the balcony. little love birds just like us.

We settled into married life very easily, we enjoy each others company and our chats on our Daily walks, His favourite topic is Finances one of his great passions in this world outside the Air Force which he loves and serves whole heartedly. we Hadn't been married long when the topic of Children came up. it was no secret that he wanted to be a Daddy and soon. I however had things i wanted to do the topmost on my list was a Safari in Africa. So the Africa holiday was planned and in June of that year off we went. It was Fantastic everything i had hoped it would be. We went on a budget and did a camping tour. i must admit i was more worried about Baboons breaking into the tent than lions.
Back in Australian soil we started family planning.

A Little History

Hi to all who are reading this,

I thought I'd start with a little history.

I met my Husband at a pub whilst out celebrating my Cousin's birthday. we were having dinner, when a group of RAFFies sat at the other end of the table. I had noticed him watching me. He finally managed to get drunk enough to ask me for a dance. We danced and kissed a bit and then exchanged phone numbers at the end of the night. as going home with a guy is not my thing.

We dated for ages He is very romantic. we had dinner on harbour cruises and picnic lunches in the mountains. The first test of our relationship was when he spent 5 months in the middle east. it was hard I couldn't watch the news because i worried too much that something might happen to him. which is when i realised that i had fallen truly in love not just infatuation and lust. We survrived the test, and it wasn't long after he returned that we moved in together.

It was my birthday and he said "be ready for lunch at 11". I was excited, I love surprises. 11 O'clock came and a Limousine pulled up out front. "where are we going?" i said even more excited. "You'll see " was the reply. we started to head for the city. This is fantastic i thought I'm being taken to lunch in a Limo, this is a great. I was still madly excited. We went over the Bridge and then headed away from the city. now i was confused " Where are we going?" I asked again once again "you'll see" was my reply. The suspense was killing me.

We turned into the Airport, I could barley contain myself. we were taken to a Helicopter. Fantastic!!! A Helicopter ride for my Birthday!!!! I gave him a big Kiss. we flew up and along the beaches, it was spectacular! a warm December day with crystal waters and white foam from the waves on the sand. We landed in Terrigal and had a lovely lunch overlooking the beach. I first knew something was up when he moved the Ice bucket for the wine during desert. He got down on bended knee and proposed. He had even written me a poem. Of course I said YES.
What a perfect Birthday.