Prayers for a friend

I recently found out that a friend of mine has suffered a miscarriage at 12weeks after her first ivf cycle ( and many many failed IUI's before hand) she is utterly devastated. she blogs at the land of Mel . She Doesn't post on infertility matters but if any other baby loss mums out there could give her a subtle virtual hug it would be much appreciated just to let her know that she isn't alone and is supported in her time of need
Thanks all.

not this month either, i think another visit to the fertility dr is in order. Fingers crossed  for 2013.

This journey to two pink lines seems to be taking ages. I am hopeing that there is some magic for me this Christmas we got Cookie on a Christmas cycle. So this year i am praying for a gift like that of the first Christmas, A child.

last cycle was not my cycle either. I just hope that like the first christmas my gift this year is a child.
It was the christmas cycle that we got Cookie so fingers crossed.

not this month

wow this cycle was long 36 days normaly good old aunt flo turns up exactly 10 days after my last Bhcg shot. but the last 2 cycles  its been more like 13 days. our second cycle of trying is normally the lucky one so i'm a tad bummed that this month hasn't worked. 17 more days till our next shot at it :)

waiting again

I am 7 days in to the 2 week wait. and i think my chances this month are slim i caught gastroenteritis ( novovirus) from a pt at work and with how violently ill i have been the last 24hrs i doubt anything will stick.  but i will  keep my fingers crossed anyway, and if all is well i will go and buy a lottery ticket :)

not this month 18 more days till we get another shot.

update and a pic of Cookies first Birthday Cake

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This is the cake I baked for Cookie's first birthday. its Little Bo Peep up on a hill looking for her Sheep, that are hiding in the bushes.
We had a lovely party in a park for her with lots of family and friends.

On a ttc note, i have one more week  left of the dreaded 2 week wait. gott thing i am insanely busy at the moment. and Munchkin Lost her attachment toy shopping last saturday. Hubby went and luckily found it this morning so i will have one VERY happy girl when Daddy gets home tonight. I am looking forward to the normal nights sleep as she hasn't slept well without her favourite toy.
It's just a pity its not one i can put a 'spare' of in the cupboard for such emergencies as she bought it at an op shop with her pocket money.

Cookie is 1 ( belated)

My wonderful little Cookie has celebrated her first birthday on the 21st Aug.
Where is the time going? I am still in awe that she is here let alone a toddler :)

Cookie you are such a delight to be around. and a real cuddle bug you love nothing more than to come in and mould your little body to mine for a good snuggly cuddle. You are walking now and charm anyone who meet you with your cheeky smile and stunning baby blue eyes.
you love your big sister munchkin as much as mummy and hearing the two of you laugh together is the best sound i have ever heard. Your favourite nursery rhymes are row your boat and humpty dumpty. and little bo peep.

Happy birthday Baby girl!!!

update

We had ther fertility appointment on monday and i am relieved to say  she has presccribed a repeat course of Cookies pregnancy. so folks we start this roller coaster again next cycle. fingers crossed everyone.

A why me? pity party

 Today, a good friend announces she is pregnant with twins. she already has 2 children.
all of her pregnancies are first month of trying.
and while i am thrilled that the babies are healthy and so is she. I must admit i came home from morning tea at her house and had 20 mins of why me tears?
why am i the less than 1% of women that will have 3 or more miscarriages in a row? I know these statistical bullets have to hit someone, but still why me?
Why is it that the feeling of infertility/sub fertility doesn't go away?
Why is it that just thinking about the appointment with the fert doc next Monday has the power to make me feel anxious.
Why even with Cookie here and healthy can't i think of myself as a survivor and not an infertility sufferer.

...I feel better already... everyone needs a pity party occasionally. thanks for comming. sorry i don't have party hats and whistles for everyone. :)

3 years ago today

 Three years ago today i heard the words for the first time that no pregnant woman wants to hear " I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat"  Three years ago i said goodbye to Sparticus, my first little angel before i got the chance to say hello.
and today its only I that remembers. Hubby doesn't remember. It seems only a mothers heart remembers these things.
And while i wouldn't trade cookie for the world i still wonder what if . What would life be like if I hadn't had my miscarriages? Different i know,  but better, worse, more fulfilling or less? would i have 3 by now planning number 4 instead of number 3. If i hadn't lost my babies would i still consider pregnancy and life the miracle that it is? or would my eye be blind? and would i think that baby making is something everyone can do with ease.
Even comming out the other side of RPL it still messes with my head.

Visited again :)

Yesterday i was feeling the need for some retail therapy. so i went shopping but on our current budget excessive spending is defiantly off the cards so I decided to update  my underwear. Some seems on my oh so comfy old ones were starting to fray.
It seems to tempt aunt Flo to come for  a visit all one needs to do is buy new underwear, especially white ones.
So now that AF is back and we are visiting the fertility specialist at the end of July i guess its time to start tracking my cycles again.
I am actually a tad apprehensive about starting this story all over again. I just hope we only get happy endings from here in.

Dear Aunt flo

Dear Aunt Flo,
                      I am ready to be friends with you again now  and invite you to visit once a month as you used to. I hope you had a nice time away. We have had a nice time here and the house is a little more crowded now.
I know you don't approve of breastfeeding, but i am only breastfeeding once a day now and I'm hoping to continue this while you visit. If you can't handle this can you let me know as i want to visit the fertility specialist in July to plan you next lot of long service leave and overseas holiday.

Thanks me

Am I flipping mental?

last night over a few too many glasses of wine I summed up the courage to ask hubby what he thought of another addition to our family. He was hesitant, and pointed out there could be "more fails" along the way. and i pointed out that i would really like one more shot at having a little boy. and that i would probably regret it if we didn't, and that at 30 my fertility is about to start a rapid downward decent.
 At the end of the conversation with a limit imposed by hubby (if after 3 more pregnancies we don't have another baby that's it). to which i think that is fair enough.

So this morning I rang the fertility clinic and booked an appointment for late July.. Am i mad? getting Cookie here nearly cost me my mental sanity.  And yet here i am willing to go though it again.
I do have one big hurdle to get over first i still don't have my period back yet. I am starting to wean her. she only gets breastfed twice a day now 10pm and 6am. so hopefully it will return soon. does anyone know any other remedies/ old wives tales to get you period back after having a baby?
So i guess its time to give up my beloved caffeine again and start exercising.

Munchkin's 4th birthday celebrations

Munchkin is obsessed about puppy dogs at the moment so to celebrate her 4th birthday we had a puppy party. I made a puppy dog birthday cake, 'dog bones' out of puff pastry and Parmesan cheese and a bone shaped cookie cutter. the party guests played pin the tail on the puppy and made themselves some puppy ears instead of party hats. we had a treasure hunt with milk bottle lids with paw prints drawn on them. A great time was had by all.

The puppy dog birthday cake

The party Guests with their puppy ears on
in front of pin the tail on the puppy

4 years :)

Four years ago on Monday I became a mummy. A little baby girl was delivered safely into my arms. And I was so excited at this next chapter in my life, I had so much i wanted to teach her. What i didn't realise was that it was she that was teaching me how to be a mummy.
 she has taught me that i in fact have a very short fuse,
that i enjoy quietness much more than i thought i did.
 She has taught me how to love unconditionally ( even when i resisting every urge to throttle her i still love her).
She has taught me that a clean house comes second to a happy one.
Happy fourth Birthday Munchkin!!! I wonder what you will teach me this year.

ANZAC DAY 25/04/2012

An officer and his Daughters all ready for the ANZAC Day dawn service.

 Munchkin was so proud that Daddy let her wear Great Grandma's medals this year.

how much to tell?

Tomorrow is ANZAC day. and whilst telling Munchkin what we will be doing tomorrow ( getting up whilst its dark and going to a dawn remembrance service ( Hubby is letting her wear her great Grandma's medals this year) followed by a hot shotgun breakfast(no whisky for her though) her favourite word kept popping up  'Why?'

me: " To remember all the soldiers that didn't come home from war"
Munchkin: " Daddy's job is air force is daddy a soldier?"
me: 'yes'
Munchkin: "daddy comes home every day"
me: "yes he does"
Munchkin: " does daddy do war?"
me: "Sometimes yes, but not right now"
Munchkin: " oh," ( pause) "Can i help you do the mummy jobs"

Where do I go from here? how much should i tell her about Anzac Day and its meaning to our Military family? Do i really want her to understand its significance? because if so how will she feel before her Daddy goes on future Deployments?

A world without sleep

at least that is my little world at the moment. Cookie used to be OK at sleeping she would wake briefly twice a night to feed and that was it. since 6 mths things have changed ( i blame teething) she now wakes every hour sometimes cries for up to 6 hrs a night. Munchkin who sleeps in the room right next to Cookie finds this incredibly stressful and often vomits after 2 hrs of Cookies night time screams. Hubby has taken to sleeping downstairs in the play room ( the only room with a door that can shut thanks to modern open plan housing) . Which leaves me upstairs with a screaming baby and a nearly 4 yr old vomiting with stress.  I put cookie to bed awake after dinner bath boobie stories and lullabies. she falls asleep quickly 5 to 10 minutes of grizzles.  but by an hour and a half later she is awake seeking the ultimate comfort of boobie. which she doesn't get between 10pm and 6 am and the screaming starts.
she is 8 months and way old enough to night wean and on a good solid dinner ( meat and 3 veg) as well. we have been controlled crying her for 6 weeks now and while it has worked in the day time i am at my whits end as to what to do at night I need more than 2 hrs sleep a night. I have tried sleeping her in bed with me she still won't sleep unless she is attached to boobie. i have tried staying in the room with her while she falls asleep calmly.  but then as soon as she stirs and I'm not there  she is screaming. so now i do my bedtime routine tuck her in and kiss her head before leaving the room to let her self settle. which as i said before works well in the daytime but not at night.
Has anyone got any suggestions for a good nights sleep. because the girls in this house are very sleep deprived.